Word of the Day: 電波

I don't think I can afford to write right now but I feel like, since I am not taking medication and also self medicating with weed, I need to take journaling seriously as a form of therapy. Since I am feeling very odd, even if it isn't "dangerous" I still feel I need to treat it as if I was in a full blown bad mood right now. I am not sure what I am upset about, I guess because everything feels pointless and I am not sure what I am going to do in my future. I mean that is something to complain about for now to take me out of the moment, but I really don't know what is going on. I am really thinking the celestial placements are causing this turbulence. My only solution though is to just ignore it until tomorrow, which... I mean, I have no better option in front of me at the moment.

I actually had a pretty good day despite the start. Japanese club went pretty well and Japanese class also went well. James is trying to recruit me for the club and I learned more about Andrea and her boyfriend.

I am very stressed, I have to write right now despite needing to do homework. I think the club is going to affect me mentally too much, I might need to keep listening to this tarot reading right now... I keep timing myself with videos.. " Just one more video, just one more video ". I know I am addicted to Youtube videos and it is not healthy but, I just feel sick.

It is now the next day, the last day of my weekend. I need to do my homework regardless. I probably going to ah, I did a poll in the discord. I don't know if it was a good thing. I don't know what to do with my Secretary powers or what they're really wanting.

Sebastian wants to come and visit. I mean, I do need to clean my house anyway, like that is a thing that needs to happen regardless, but I don't know if I want to pressure myself to do that just to entertain someone.

It is Monday anyway, I just... I feel annoyed actually right now, I feel I didn't do anything this weekend but rest. I guess I really needed it but I feel like it is just annoying. I think I need to hustle a lot today. I think I'll try cleaning today after school if I don't have any homework. I also need to tell my math teacher that I have an IEP.

I am just trying to keep it together. I don't even know if I will have Sebastian over this weekend. A part of me sort of wants him over because I am lonely, and he is really the softest person in my life right now. I guess it wouldn't hurt. If it is shit this time, then I just don't have him over again.

I guess that is the thing with friends with benefits, it is really whatever you want to make it. I guess I am so disappointed in what I don't have at the moment, I am not appreciating what I have right now.

I also know what I don't want it to turn into. Any fantasy of us hanging out normally is sort of... too ridiculous. I am also annoyed at Yuuichirou for no reason, or thinking of him, but it is out of annoyance so, I really need to stop since he isn't even in the picture anymore.