Alarm Clocks Are Gaslighting Me...

Good morning, dear readers! Or should I say “bad morning,” because if you’re reading this, you probably woke up to the soul-piercing shriek of your alarm clock. You know the one. The device you trusted to gently usher you into consciousness, but instead ambushes you like a SWAT team breaking down your door at 6:00 a.m.

This week, The Pompous Post™ takes a bold stand against the world’s greatest psychological manipulator: the alarm clock.

Exhibit A: The Broken Trust

It starts simply enough. You set the alarm. You tuck yourself in. You whisper, “Tomorrow will be different.”

Then:

• You wake up groggy, confused, and somehow more tired than when you went to bed.
• You swear you set it.
• It swears it went off.
• Neither of you have proof.

It’s like a toxic relationship. You want to leave, but deep down you know you’ll come crawling back because you “need it.” At least you don't have to share this shame with your friends... Or do you?

Exhibit B: The Snooze Button Scam

Ah yes, the snooze button... the greatest con job in human history. It promises nine extra minutes of heavenly sleep. In reality, it delivers:

1. Two minutes of real sleep.
2. Three minutes of bargaining with God.
3. Four minutes of lying awake in pure dread, waiting for the next shriek.

You don’t snooze. You time-travel between pockets of misery and regret. It beckons you; daring you to hit it again. Like a train wreck you know you shouldn't look at, but you turn anyway.

Exhibit C: The Types of Alarm Clock Gaslighting

Alarm clocks come in many flavors, each with its own strategy of psychological warfare.

1. The Digital Demon

Glowing red numbers that burn into your soul. Always looks a little too smug. When you wake up late, it sits there on the nightstand like, “Don’t look at me. You did this...”

2. The Smartphone Alarm

Supposed to be convenient, but instead:

• Requires you to solve math at 6 a.m. (“If I hit snooze four more times, will I still make my train?”)
• Knows too much. Has tracked your REM cycles. Knows you watched cat videos until 2:00 a.m. but still screams at you like you’re the problem.

3. The Old-School Bell Clock

The metal twin-bell beast. Doesn’t just wake you, it convinces you you’re under attack in World War II. You leap out of bed like you’ve been drafted to save Private Ryan. Congratulations, you’re awake… and now have PTSD.

4. The Sunrise Simulation Lamp

Advertised as “gentle” and “natural.” In practice, it slowly blinds you to death. You wake up sweaty, squinting, and whispering, “Am I in heaven? Did I die in my sleep?”

Exhibit D: The Psychological Warfare

Let’s break down some alarm clock behaviors that prove they are gaslighting us.

• Always Rings Too Soon: You fall asleep at midnight. Blink. It’s 6 a.m. Alarm’s ringing. You swear you just closed your eyes.
• Always Louder When You’re Late: On the rare occasion you oversleep, the alarm somehow compensates by sounding like an air raid siren.
• Mysteriously Silent on Important Days: That one time you had an interview? Alarm just… “forgot.”

It’s like they have meetings at night. “Okay team, tomorrow’s Tuesday. Let’s really mess with him. Who wants to glitch?”

Exhibit E: The Snooze Spiral

Scientists call it “sleep inertia.” I call it “alarm clock revenge.” Every time you snooze, your brain restarts the Windows 95 loading screen, then crashes before reaching the desktop. You tell yourself, “Five more minutes won’t hurt.” Five minutes later, you’re in a parallel universe where time has no meaning, and suddenly it’s noon. Dread washes over you like someone peed your bed. You check your phone and work has tried calling 37 times. Text messages are no longer working because your boss, co-workers and that weird neighbor that called for a "wellness" check, used all your data even though it's unlimited.

Exhibit F: Alarm Clock Evolution (a History of Trauma)

1. Sundials: You woke up when the sun rose. Peaceful. Gentle. Humane.
2. Roosters: Annoying, but at least they didn’t pretend to care about your dental appointment.
3. Mechanical Bells: The dawn of auditory assault.
4. Smartphones: Added shame notifications and “bedtime reminders” you ignore.
5. Smart Home Devices: Alexa now gaslights you directly: “Good morning! You’ve had seven and a half hours of restful sleep!” (You did not.)

Exhibit G: Fake Viewer Mail

Q: “Dear Pompous Post, my alarm went off at 5 a.m. even though I set it for 7. Am I haunted?”

A: Yes. By Time Itself. And also maybe by Steve Jobs.

Q: “My alarm clock didn’t go off, but I still woke up at 6:59. How?”

A: That’s the final stage of Stockholm Syndrome: your body learns to love the torture schedule.

Q: “I set five alarms. I slept through all of them. Am I dying?”

A: No, but congratulations... you’ve unlocked Boss Mode Sleep.

Exhibit H: Coping Mechanisms (That Don’t Work)

• Multiple Alarms – Just creates a symphony of regret.
• Alarm Across the Room – Now you’re awake, angry, and walking barefoot across Legos.
• Novelty Alarms (wheels, drones, puzzle clocks) – Nothing says "restful" like solving a Rubik’s Cube while delirious at 6 a.m.
• “No Alarm, I’ll Wake Naturally” – Sure, Janet... Enjoy waking up at noon and losing your job.

Exhibit I: Pompous Predictions™

We stared into the Time Vortex and saw the following future of alarm clocks:

• 2030: Alarms use AI to scream in your boss’s voice.
• 2035: Snooze buttons charge $0.99 per tap (subscription required).
• 2040: Alarms not only wake you up, they also start your Zoom meeting whether you’re ready or not.
• 2050: Humanity collectively decides to “cancel mornings.” Productivity plummets. Happiness skyrockets.

Exhibit J: The Existential Crisis

The alarm clock isn’t just a device. It’s a metaphor for life itself. You never feel ready. You never feel rested. And when it rings, all you can do is stumble into another day, pretending it was your choice.

One day, we’ll look back on alarm clocks the way we look at bloodletting or leeches. Barbaric. Cruel. And somehow still used by people on TikTok.

Closing Thoughts from the Snooze Zone

Alarm clocks have gaslit us long enough. They pretend they’re helpful, but they’re really just tiny tyrants sitting smugly on our nightstands.

So the next time your alarm rings, remember:

• It’s lying to you.
• It’s manipulating you.
• And it will never, ever let you win.

But also… don’t turn it off completely. Because being late to work is worse.

– The Pompous Post™, proudly awake, confused, and fifteen minutes late since 2004.