A Man to Fix Everything
Thank you for coming today. It’s great to see all you guys in the press pool. Even you, Tucker. How’s your head from last night? Too much of the good stuff, huh? Well, I have some very important news about policies that we’ll soon be implementing. But first, I will confirm that I will not be seeking a fourth term. I know, I know, we’ve had a wonderful time these past eight years but, to be honest, I’m getting older and I don’t get to golf nearly as much as I would like. No one thought I would get a third term, kept saying it was unconstitutional, well we showed them. Just like with that birthright citizenship thing. Never should have been in there, don’t know what those guys were thinking or drinking. You know what I mean? Anyway. I know that I’ll be leaving this country in good hands. Sure, sure, there’s an election later, but really, who doesn’t want four more years of this administration? And who’s going to vote against such an amazing man as our Vice President, Vladamir Putin? He was great, really helped get my agenda through this past term. Wonderful guy. JD was nice, too, but Putin really showed us what the right man can get done. Such a patriot to take a step back from running his own country to help run ours. And who knew that he’d been born on an American Military Base. Such an amazing story. Did you see that documentary? So real. What was that? You still want to see his birth certificate? Why would you ask that? That’s just rude. You saw the documentary. Then you know there was a fire on the base. Don’t ask stupid questions. Take that guy’s pass after this. He doesn’t need to be in the room. Anyway, the real reason I’m here is to announce a new policy that is going to revolutionize our country and finally fix our broken Social Security and Medicaid system.
