A Man to Fix Everything

Thank you for coming today. It’s great to see all you guys in the press pool. Even you, Tucker. How’s your head from last night? Too much of the good stuff, huh? Well, I have some very important news about policies that we’ll soon be implementing. But first, I will confirm that I will not be seeking a fourth term. I know, I know, we’ve had a wonderful time these past eight years but, to be honest, I’m getting older and I don’t get to golf nearly as much as I would like. No one thought I would get a third term, kept saying it was unconstitutional, well we showed them. Just like with that birthright citizenship thing. Never should have been in there, don’t know what those guys were thinking or drinking. You know what I mean? Anyway. I know that I’ll be leaving this country in good hands. Sure, sure, there’s an election later, but really, who doesn’t want four more years of this administration? And who’s going to vote against such an amazing man as our Vice President, Vladamir Putin? He was great, really helped get my agenda through this past term. Wonderful guy. JD was nice, too, but Putin really showed us what the right man can get done. Such a patriot to take a step back from running his own country to help run ours. And who knew that he’d been born on an American Military Base. Such an amazing story. Did you see that documentary? So real. What was that? You still want to see his birth certificate? Why would you ask that? That’s just rude. You saw the documentary. Then you know there was a fire on the base. Don’t ask stupid questions. Take that guy’s pass after this. He doesn’t need to be in the room. Anyway, the real reason I’m here is to announce a new policy that is going to revolutionize our country and finally fix our broken Social Security and Medicaid system.

They always said it was the third rail of politics, but I’m going to grab it with my own two hands and get ready to supercharge this country. You know, Vlad, I call him Vlad sometimes, even he thought I couldn’t get this bill put together, but I did it. I’m a deal maker; I make deals, and I make the best deals for this country. The Social Security and Medicare Solvency Act of 2032, is an amazing piece of legislation. The best! Not a sexy title, but it’s going to do some sexy things. Despite all the money we pour into them, Social Security and Medicare, they’re not doing enough sexy things for this country. But after this, we’ll be able to do a lot, because this country will have so much money. You think I have a lot of money? This is going to be a lot of money. Why haven’t you heard of this? Well, we just got it done last night and we really didn’t want anyone misconstruing our words or intentions so we just got in and got it done, sitting in the backrooms of the capitol like the good old days. Great scene. So, here it goes.

The retirement age will remain at 67. A gift to you all. But, and here’s the important bit, all benefits end at the age of 85. Yes, yes, I know, a brilliant idea. Look, at 85, you’ve had a good run, but the taxpayers don’t need to fund your little trips to the coasts of Orlando or your next hip surgery. This will save our country billions a year. Yes, even me. I will no longer be allowed Social Security and Medicare. I am giving that up for the American people. I know, I know, I’m so magna-manimous. My Secret Service detail? No, I’m not giving that up. What are you nuts? Take that guy’s pass, too. Bunch of stupid people in here today. Pay attention to the amazing gifts I am giving our country. I’m about to leave office and I have made America greater than it has ever been and I’m making it even greater on my way out. I fixed immigration. You want to come here, you pay your life’s savings. You cross illegally, you pay with your life. Man, that was a great T.V. spot. I fixed our housing crisis by mandating cremations for all. No more cemeteries, that land is too valuable. Sure, some religions didn’t like it, but they don’t like it, they could leave, who needs ‘em? Go, Christ! All the way!

Anyway, back to why we’re here. What it comes down to, is if you can’t handle your expenses, medical or otherwise, after 85, you need to go. Now, I’m not saying you have to, you know…GO, because my lawyers said I can’t, but you can’t stay here. This country is for those who can take care of themselves or pay to have others take care of them. In fact, in order to stay in this country after 85, you have to be able to pay one million dollars a year, half going to Social Security and the other going to Medicare. We thought about making it five million, but we figured out that there wasn’t much difference in how many people could do one or the other. Who knew? Oh, we’ll also be tackling Social Security Disability. The working plan is you get ten years and then we’re done. I wanted five, but I’ve been convinced ten is better. Then you have to go. Not, GO per se which again is something our lawyers want to make sure I state, but you can’t stay here.

We’re taking these actions now to make our country stronger in the future, both fiscally and physically. This is my gift to you, along with the amazing leadership of one Vladamir Putin. A great man who knows exactly what he wants to do with this country, and he’s going to give it to us. As long and hard as he can. Thank you, and good night.