Truly Criminal Relaxtion

For a moment I can’t tell if the connection is poor or if my therapist is concentrating on keeping a “neutral” face. Even I know that a neutral face in response to a personal interest you share with your therapist is not a good sign. My words are slowing down and I get quiet. “ I’m listening, go on” my therapist fishes for the rest of the concerning details. “You’re gonna tell me that I have to stop huh?” I wait on the other end of the video call bracing myself for impact. “I will say that this could be contributing to your night terrors and to rule it out… you should probably take a break.” Now logically I know she’s right but I can’t be the only one who loves to grab a snack, some wine, and deep dive into true crime. I know that I’m not.

An article from The New York Times reports that about 80% Of true crime watchers are women. Dr. Scott A. Bonn found this to also be true as he toured with his road show “The Psychology of Serial Killers and Why They Captivate Us.” He reported that during his tour his audience was always more than 80% female. He shares his findings with us in his article “Why the true crime audience is predominantly female”. In his article, he tries to reason with the ideas behind what has women so comfortable and cozy with a topic that is typically deemed as unsettling and disturbing. As a woman who is particularly obsessed with true crime, I have a few reasons of my own; magical thinking, curiosity, and bracing for impact.

Magical Thinking- When I watch true crime there is a sense of familiarity and simpleness. I think this might be more of a “me” thing. During my lifetime, especially as a child, I grew up watching trauma on TV. The most popular shows in my home were ”60 Minutes” “First 48 Hours” “Unsolved Mysteries” and “Snapped”. If that wasn’t on we were watching the news; the frantic news reports on 9/11 are very vibrant and early memories in my brain. I remember watching them with my parents and feeling out of control of the world around me but feeling safe in the world my parents had created for me. It provided the sense that as long as I am watching it on the screen it can’t touch me in real life. It made all the scary things, the diabolical things feel far away. Magical thinking is when a person believes their words, thoughts, emotions, or rituals can influence the external world. Is any of this familiar to you? Is it just me?

Curiosity- When I was young we took a trip to Florida. The purpose was to take a trip to one of the happiest places on earth but instead, my innocence was obliterated. My eyes grew wide with horror as my father and his friend casually discussed the untimely demise of a little boy my age. He met an alligator while playing in his yard and all that they had found was his arm. I was beside myself. How is it that kids die? I held this thought and when I shared it with my brother, who was 7 years older and loved to mess with me, he grinned and decided to share more gruesome relics of reality I had yet to discover. He told me about serial killers and how adults hurt and kill kids and other adults. The shift in me was irreversible and I just wanted to know all I could about death and how it was caused.

Bracing myself- I accepted from an early age that violence can happen and will more than likely happen to me if I don’t pay attention. So I paid attention; to the guy staring a little too long at me, the hooded individual across the street that I couldn’t quite make out. I studied every true crime content I came across making myself hyperaware of my surroundings and wanting to always be ten steps ahead. Something about knowing the stories and their patterns gave me confidence in my precautions.

I have to say that I might want to cut back on more positive thoughts occurring more often. However, the truth is that the world is a dangerous place and the crimes are true. A little awareness about them whether you want to remain informed or intrigued can’t be too awful…right?