So You Decided To Become a Nurse Practitioner:

So you decided to become an "Advanced Practice" nurse. Congratulations!... is what I would say if this was a good idea. Grad school? In this economy? What were you thinking? Likely it was something along the lines of either 1) “I've seen these other chucklefucks do it— Why can't I?” or even 2) “I've got a nice career, I should shake it up. I miss feeling like I have no clue what I'm doing.”

Regardless what your motivation was, you're in it. What follows is a guide for how to survive it— or at least make it a little more tolerable.

**Although this guide is specifically written for those attempting to "further" their nursing career. Many of the points can be generalized and applied to anyone attempting grad school. Good luck!**

Step 1: Master the art of performative bullsh-- Scholarly writing.

Discussion board after discussion board: "Minimum 250 words, 2-3 sources cited in APA format. Please contribute to the discussion in a meaningful way.”

By the end of the program you will likely have written 15,000+ discussion board posts using such canned phrases as "Excellent point! I agree with your post. Have you considered [insert the academic equivalent of empty calories]." By the end of the program you will marvel at your ability to respond and say quite literally nothing— But hey, at least you cited it.

My recommendation at this point is to keep a word document (Mine is titled "NP School Mad Lib") that you can use to to pre-populate the page and limit the busy work.

Speaking of busy work, somewhere along the way, probably on your 5th or 6th, 25-page paper on diabetes/hypertension/healthcare inequity you'll reach a flow state writers DREAM of. Sadly, only three people will ever read your papers (and those people are contractually obligated). Persevere nonetheless, intrepid scholar!

Step 2: Embrace Indentured Servitude!

Alan Lightman wrote for The Atlantic on how America is headed for the Dark Ages in regard to academic freedom (https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2025/04/trump-academic-freedom/682648/).

While his article was more an indictment of the current president's regime; I'd argue this piece is a bit more on the nose than he imagined when factoring in medical training and its unpaid clinical hour requirements.

It starts innocently enough; 100 hours in the first semester (roughly one, unpaid 12 hour day a week). But exponentially grows until your final semester when it becomes 3, full 12 hour unpaid clinical days followed by 3, full 12 hour days at your full-time RN job (unless you’re independently wealthy— and if you are, why are you going to NP school??).

Unfortunately, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is real and one requires basics such as: food, clothing, and shelter to fuel the academia.

Step 3: Embrace Solitude!

The natural conclusion one must draw from the above heading is: forget everything you enjoy and say goodbye to everyone you love. With such limited free time hobbies and “work-family” balance become a punchline.

On the odd occasion you’re able to appear at a family function or friendly gathering you’ll be met with the same “holy shit how have you been?” That greets soldiers coming home from war! Coincidentally you’ll fix your loved ones with the same thousand yard stare and offer up a halfhearted “Fine. Just… busy.”

Sadly, few will understand the sacrifices and time away that you’ll be taking to learn how to treat the same five patients for recurrent chronic disease management. Unfortunately, the American healthcare system lacks in preventive care but provides abundant support for chronic illnesses— I guess pharmaceutical companies would lose money if people prevented diseases before they happened. Womp. Womp.

Step 4: Substance Abuse!

Maybe a slightly misleading header, but caffeine is a hell of a drug and will serve you well. Whether its chugging it, snorting it, or gifting it to preceptors (your indentured servitude masters), caffeine will become your best friend.

Another suggestion for those that, up till now have been “raw dogging” life, explore an anti-anxiety or antidepressant! As a nurse, if something went wrong it fell on the shoulders of the providers one rung above you. Ascending that clinical ladder means you’re the person on that rung! Exciting!… and terrifying.

Step 5: Never forget, you can do it!

Just keep your head down and soldier on. The time will pass anyway and, as mentioned in the intro, if those other chucklefucks can do it— so can you!

Assuming the mantle of responsibility is not easy, you never thought it would be. You’re one courageous, badass motherfucker for trying. You’re going to bring that cup of black coffee to your lips while clotheslining the grim reaper someday. Mark Reid said it best: “Student, you do not study to pass the test. You study to prepare for the day when you are the only thing between a patient and the grave.”

You can fucking do it.