The Power of "And"

I spent most of my life being a person of extremes. If I deemed a coworker lazy it meant that I couldn't like them. After all, if I liked someone how could I dare acknowledge a negative trait in them? If I was homesick on a trip it meant that I wasn't enjoying myself. I felt foolish during the recent pandemic when I wanted people to wear masks but found myself feeling irritated that I had to wear one. I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to stuff away that irritation and just embrace that masks were good. I was passed over for a promotion that I felt I was the best candidate for and I found myself committed to disliking my new boss even though he was a nice guy -- because, if I had been wrongly passed over then it must mean that I could not like my boss. These were my struggles. I felt one way about a certain subject and therefore stuffed away any other feeling or emotion or thought process that seemed to contradict my original one. That is until a friend of mine, a licensed psychologist shared with me a little known fact. A fact that would seem so simple, but certainly was not widely known or understood: the power of and.

That's right. This was the year that I learned the true magnificence of the word "and." I discovered that I could I like my coworker AND think they were lazy. I discovered that I could be having fun on a vacation AND still be homesick. I found out that I could want society to mask up AND I could find the fact that I had to wear one irritating. I could feel disappointed that I hadn't gotten a promotion AND like my boss. Two seemingly opposing items, much to my surprise, did not need to be mutually exclusive of one another.

This phenomenon is the basis of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy defines dialectics as "a synthesis or integration of opposites." It means that two opposing things can be true at the same time. This therapy approach teaches patients that they can be mad at their husband AND still love him. They can love being a mother AND find the role extremely challenging. They can be stressed out by work AND be thankful they have a job. These are all examples of simultaneous but opposing truths.

Where this comes in most beneficial is when self-reflecting. You can acknowledge that you are trying your best AND that you want to be even better. This dialectic, and one of the cores of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, is one of acceptance and change. You can accept yourself as you are AND work toward change.

For most people, like me, who are not involved in the delivery of or the receiving end of Dialectical Behavior Therapy these concepts are new and little known. My entire life had consisted of thinking that if I found someone burdensome it must mean that I secretly didn't like them. Or if I was content with my life that it must mean I didn't want better for myself. Learning this obscure fact that "and" was perhaps the most powerful word I had ever encountered and may ever encounter was simply mind boggling.

I can acknowledge that I am a busy working mom who understandably has a messy house AND want my house to be cleaner. I can cherish every waking moment my children give me AND breathe a sigh of relief when they are tucked in safely for the night in their beds while I kick my feet up for a bit and relax. Feeling one way does not negate the other.

How liberating such a simple word - AND - can be!