recovery
Your illness does not define you. It's your resolve to recover that does.
How using Mindfulness Meditation has put my incessive racing thoughts to rest permanently!
For the sake of keeping this article from becoming to lengthy with my mental health diagnoses and hospitilizations, I am only going to share my last episode including treatments and therapy that has occured within the past 6 years. I have a 23 year history of being diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder with Agoraphobia and Severe Panic Disorder. Approximately 7ish years ago I became excessively manic to the point that I lost touch with reality, a psycotic break if you will. I was taking my psychiatric medication as prescribed but the problem was it just stopped working efficiently on me and I developed severe insomnia to the point that I was only sleeping for about an hour and a half in a total weeks time period. I quickly lost touch with reality and I was taken by ambulance to the Mental Health facility closest to my home for treatment. I was admitted for about 8 1/2 weeks inside the hospital as they tried one medication after another to try to bring me back to my old self again. At this point before I became ill, I had been collecting Disability from Social Security for my disorder. I hired a government agency within my state to take care of my finances (a payee) due to the fact I had lost both my parents when I was in my early twenties and I don't have other family members that were willing to take the time to help me with my affairs. I lived in a 2 bedroom apartment that I absolutely loved up until this point and had occupied the apartment for 4 1/2 years before my hospitalizaiton. My rent and other responsibilities were being paid while I was sick by the agency that I paid monthly to handle my affairs. Unfortunately, my landlord heard from one of my neighbors that I had a diagnosis of Bi-Polar disorder and that I was in the mental hospital. He then at that point drew up eviction paperwork for me to vacate the premises even though he was still collecting my monthly rental payments through the mail. When I came home from the hospital to recover as i was now a lot more stable and rested, I was given 2 weeks notice that I had to leave my home because I had an illness. My case worker put me into a Day program for 2 weeks while she made arrangements for my new living situation to come once the 2 weeks expired. It was a very sad day for me when I came home on that last day to my 2 bedroom apartment. One of my really good friends came over to my apartment to help me out as I was put into an adult group home to keep me from having to sleep on the streets. He put two large boxes in the middle of my living room floor and told me I had 15 minutes to decide what meant the most to me and that he would store those two boxes in his basement until I got on my feet again. I just sat down and started crying. I had a large two bedroom apartment that was full of my personal belongings. I lost just about everything I owned that day, minus what I chose to keep in those boxes. I was then given a ride to my new home at an adult group home setting. I wasn't very strong at the time of losing my place of residence or I probably would have contacted a lawyer and sued my landlord for an illegal eviction. I should have been protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act. In the 7 months that followed this event, I moved around to 4 different homes trying to get back on my feet and attempting to regain my independence. The unhealthy lack of security caused me to slip right back into another psychotic episode and once again I was put back into the mental institution as a result of severe insomnia which eventually caused me to lose touch with reality. I wasn't aware that I was hospitilized for 3 straight months this time non-stop and I was transferred to 3 different hospitals during that time for potential treatment. I was not responding to any of the medications or group therapy offered in the hospital for the first time in my life. I became catatonic and I was petitioned by the doctor of the hospital for a court hearing to mandate Electric Shock Therapy treatments as a final resort. My prognosis was grim sadly to say. The third and final hospital I was transferred to is where I received 7 bi-lateral rounds of ECT treatments. I do remember every other morning going into the operating room and being put under anastasia. I went from being clinically depressed and catatonic to laughing uncontrollably and hyper after each treatment. The doctors do not give patients any type of medication while undergoing ECT treatments. After my 7 rounds were complete, my doctor put me on a medication cocktail to stabilize me. At that time, I was a patient at a clinic called Easter Seals. I was put on a team named ACT Case Management, which is reserved for extensive therapy of extreme cases. Many case workers on the ACT team came to visit me in the hospital for observation and to determine how they could assist me once I was released. When I was released from the hospital 5 1/2 years ago, my ex-husband begged me to move in with him so he could help care for me and nurture me back to health. On the ACT team at Easter Seals, I was assigned a personal nurse and many therapists. Somebody would come to my home 3-4 days per week to either check on me in my environment, or to drive me to group therapy. The group therapy was Cognitive Therapy and the foundation of the group was centered on learning to practice Mindfulness Meditation. Just to make sure I make this clear, after my 7 ECT treatments, the largest side effect was severe amnesia. I couldn't remember a conversation I would have from one day to the next. I attended this Mindfulness group for approximately 3 years with the group starting over every 6 months. They let me keep coming back because my therapist knew I didn't remember what I had learned the prior 6 months. I'll be the first to admit, I hated therapy with a passion but I went every time because at that time in my life that was my only job. They would tell us to observe our thoughts without judgement, and the act of actively observing our thoughts would cause the racing thoughts to cease. I could only hold this silence in my mind for 2 to 3 minutes tops for the longest time before the racing thoughts would return. It was exhausting. Eventually, I was told I was being taken off of the ACT Team at Easter Seals because I was making such great strides in improvement, and also the therapists no longer believed that I had any unresolved issues that needed to be dealt with. It was around a year and 1/2 ago that everything came together for me like some type of miracle. I was doing my dinner dishes in the kitchen and tips and tricks that I had picked up in therapy were going through my mind. It was like a lightbulb went off above my head, all of a sudden my thoughts ceased, and not just for a couple of minutes but for hours at a time! In that moment I realized how much I actually retained from therapy and it wasn't a waste of time! Now this silence in my mind felt like a miracle from GOD himself, my entire life, even as a young child I always had racing thoughts. There was never a time that I could remember just being still in my head. I imagine this is what Nirvana or what they call Zen is like. I'm so excited to share with you and everybody that this peaceful feeling has remained with me still a year and 1/2 later from the first time I felt true mental peace. I find I can lay down and fall asleep naturally for a nap now, which I could never do before. My quality of life has changed in epic proportions from relationships with others and myself. The true wisdom here is to stay present as much as possible! The past no longer exists and the future is not promised. Now is all we have!!!! I choose to make the most out of my now moments and find with my newfound mental peace, I work smarter not necessarilly harder. In tandem with this, I have found the courage to face my fears no matter how big or small head on to destroy them. My faith in my higher power is stronger than ever and I truly believe that faith is the absence of fear. My marriage has been restored along with many other thngs in my life once lost have been restored to new. I've been through decades of suffering in my life, but, now that I am 46 years old and I have found enlightenment, I would go through all of it again to reach the magical place I find my soul in today in this moment.
By Cheryl Dow5 years ago in Psyche
The Silent Monster
As I lie here staring at the fan as it spins in circles, I couldn't help but realize how the mental abuse was spinning around and around and around in my head all these years without knowing. I had that moment of just lying here in silence staring at this fan spinning like the words that has haunted me all these years.
By Thanh Vuong5 years ago in Psyche
Improve your body language
When a person deals with drug, alcohol or any other substance addiction they might end up in bad personality and find difficult to communicate with other people verbally as well as through their body language. This can lead patients to be more dangerous and less possibility to have a desire to get recovery. But this barrier must be removed from an addict life in order to make them feel more accepting in the society and less embarrassed by their selves.
By James Charles5 years ago in Psyche
Love Shouldn't Hurt
I wrote this during a VERY dark time in my life. I was only 18. I was in my first serious relationship (or... what I thought was my first serious relationship anyways). I was young. I was stupid. I was a "recovering" self mutilator. I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to share this with the world, as it doesn't really send a positive message. It's about giving up, which at this point in my life was all I wanted to do. I'm not really sure why I keep anything from this time in my life. Maybe to remind myself that no matter what I'm facing now, I have come a very long way and though I still face some crazy things (who doesn't?) Absolutely nothing has compared to the darkness I was cloaked in at this time.
By Sara Wilson5 years ago in Psyche
Become More
I have reached a point in my life where I want to…Become more. I want to help. Someone, anyone just not a boyfriend, I have tried and failed one too many times to try that again. I have always loved writing, I think I have a diary for every phase of my life starting in Grade 5 (I still have it), Jr high, every year of high school, my 1st love, my 2nd love, my 3rd love, to my 1st born daughter and all the craziness that came with that. Then the next 4 years I am sure I have at least 100 Notes to self, begging and pleading that this will be the last time, telling myself all the horrible things I was doing and how much I was hurting all the people that loved me. Telling myself it was not going to be like this forever, I was not going to be doing these stupid pills forever, stealing and lying to my parents, my family, my friends forever. I knew it, I could feel it, but it went on for what felt like forever, I had Bella a month before I turned 23, I was addicted to oxy-cotton by the time she was one.
By Laurie Chambers5 years ago in Psyche
Wei Stark?
"Wei stark?" "How strong?" "How strong is the desire to use?" Her German grandmother asked. Curen had just arrived home from a nine-month stay at the Gwinnett County Jail. Her grandmother, that she hadn't seen in five years, came from Germany to welcome her back home. She had tried to visit her granddaughter multiple times throughout the years, but each time Curen was either locked-up or missing. Now, they set on the front porch, discussing future travel plans together. Tears stream down Curen's face as her grandmother invites her to visit her in Germany. Her grandmother can see the pain in her eyes, and quickly switches the conversation from the future to the past. She asks her why she always turns to drugs. "Is the desire to use that powerful?" "Tell me...please!" She pleads as the tears begin to fall from her eyes. No words are spoken as her grandmother tries to conceptualize how a simple drug could hold a power greater than all the possible good in the world. She can't understand how using could be so important, that it would be worth losing everything else you hold so dear to your heart. Curen continues to cry, close-lipped, wishing it was as simple as her grandmother sees it. Her desire to use, and her desire not to ever use again, grew with each tear that ran down her face. She could not push out of her head the thought that using would make this conversation so much easier. Curen finally breaks the silence with a familiar line, "Oma, I promise you I'll stay sober." "For good this time." Her grandmother wrestles with the thought of asking her why this time would be any different, but instead just grabs onto Curen's hands with her own, and squeezes tightly. Fingers intertwined, Oma looks into Curen's eyes, as she gazes at her feet.
By Danny Phillips5 years ago in Psyche
Counseling And RecoveryCenter
If you’re dealing with mental illness or some and of addiction which is holding you back from a fine present and a bright future then you should seek some help. Synergy in recovery facilitates counseling and recovery center where you can get expert counselors and medical team which will help you get out of your misery.
By James Charles5 years ago in Psyche
Staying Sober While Social Distancing for the Holidays
This year hasn’t been easy for most of us. If you’re in early recovery, you’ve not only faced the hardships related to a pandemic during an election year, but you’ve also overcome one of the most difficult challenges there is - getting sober. Now, the last thing you have to do to make it through 2020 is stay sober during the holidays. Being a time of year that is usually full of alcohol-filled celebrations and family gatherings, spending this holiday season sober and possibly away from your family may prove to be extra difficult. Here are 5 suggestions that may help you stay sober during the holiday season if you are social distancing and unable to see your family this year.
By Hailey Parks5 years ago in Psyche
Sobriety.
So yesterday I hit 70 days sober. I am very proud and feel amazing. I feel great physically and mentally more each day I wake up. If you know you know. My anxiety and depression has eased and calmed down, somedays I feel "normal". I've struggled for years and with COVID this year my drinking became out of control. I'm not ashamed of it but not proud, and hopefully I'm able to help someone someday that has gone throught the same situation. It was to where I wouldn't even eat or drink water in the morning I would just start drinking. Some days more and heavier than others. I have gone through a crazy amount of life events in the past year which lead up to the drinking I'm talking about. Personal events that I'd rather not mention because it's too painful to remember them but I got through it.My last night of drinking though I fell on my face and fractured my nose, that was a scary wake up call. I'm still here, healthy and happy. I thank God, the universe and my willpower. I honestly don't know what would happen if I had continued and it's not something I would want to know either. My partner, family and friends have been supportive big time. I did lose a couple friends but clearly they were not friends but 'drinking buddies' and I'm totally fine with that. I don't need negative people in my life when I want nothing but positivity. The new path I'm on is super exciting and has so many new surprises and doors opening. Unexplainable feeling. It's almost as if I feel everything is perfect! I have everything I ever wanted in life and that's what's a bit scary because not many people can say that or will recieve that. I never want to be that person again now that I've escaped. I was such a sad, lost and angry person. I wanted to give up but I knew there was more to life. More happiness and freedom just waiting for me to find it. I had to be strong. I am strong. You really have to want it in order to succeed. I find for me anyway that's the only way it works. I love the fact that I inspire others, puts a smile on my face. I have people who inspire me, it's a great circle. Being sober is something I'll forever be proud of. Now I am able to focus on the good things, all the things that were there the whole time. Little things that I forgot I liked. Painting, puzzles, word searches, taking pictures, etc. Waking up knowing what I did last night is a plus too. Not hurting people with words, not hurting myself, or losing touch with family. I promise myself I will never let that happen. It's not always easy but I got this. And if this is something familiar to you then I'm cheering you on 100 percent. Don't let yourself fall.
By Jennie Fontaine5 years ago in Psyche
Giving thanks to my darkness
Darkness, I am most thankful for you this year. Why you ask? I finally have found an answer. I am thankful for you.... Not because you sucked me down deeper and into your hole that filled with thoughts of no longer wanting to wake up and face he tomorrow that will continue to come even when your at your lowest of lows, not because you laughed at the sight of my tears after losing the only parent I had left to a non curable evil.... cancer. Not because you’ve introduced yourself into the homes of my fellow neighbors during this time of deadly virus, not because I have lost so much as many of us have, my home, my steady income.... and the one thing that led me to you, my mind.
By Alannah Cruz5 years ago in Psyche
