Cheryl Dow

How using Mindfulness Meditation has put my incessive racing thoughts to rest permanently!

For the sake of keeping this article from becoming to lengthy with my mental health diagnoses and hospitilizations, I am only going to share my last episode including treatments and therapy that has occured within the past 6 years. I have a 23 year history of being diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder with Agoraphobia and Severe Panic Disorder. Approximately 7ish years ago I became excessively manic to the point that I lost touch with reality, a psycotic break if you will. I was taking my psychiatric medication as prescribed but the problem was it just stopped working efficiently on me and I developed severe insomnia to the point that I was only sleeping for about an hour and a half in a total weeks time period. I quickly lost touch with reality and I was taken by ambulance to the Mental Health facility closest to my home for treatment. I was admitted for about 8 1/2 weeks inside the hospital as they tried one medication after another to try to bring me back to my old self again. At this point before I became ill, I had been collecting Disability from Social Security for my disorder. I hired a government agency within my state to take care of my finances (a payee) due to the fact I had lost both my parents when I was in my early twenties and I don't have other family members that were willing to take the time to help me with my affairs. I lived in a 2 bedroom apartment that I absolutely loved up until this point and had occupied the apartment for 4 1/2 years before my hospitalizaiton. My rent and other responsibilities were being paid while I was sick by the agency that I paid monthly to handle my affairs. Unfortunately, my landlord heard from one of my neighbors that I had a diagnosis of Bi-Polar disorder and that I was in the mental hospital. He then at that point drew up eviction paperwork for me to vacate the premises even though he was still collecting my monthly rental payments through the mail. When I came home from the hospital to recover as i was now a lot more stable and rested, I was given 2 weeks notice that I had to leave my home because I had an illness. My case worker put me into a Day program for 2 weeks while she made arrangements for my new living situation to come once the 2 weeks expired. It was a very sad day for me when I came home on that last day to my 2 bedroom apartment. One of my really good friends came over to my apartment to help me out as I was put into an adult group home to keep me from having to sleep on the streets. He put two large boxes in the middle of my living room floor and told me I had 15 minutes to decide what meant the most to me and that he would store those two boxes in his basement until I got on my feet again. I just sat down and started crying. I had a large two bedroom apartment that was full of my personal belongings. I lost just about everything I owned that day, minus what I chose to keep in those boxes. I was then given a ride to my new home at an adult group home setting. I wasn't very strong at the time of losing my place of residence or I probably would have contacted a lawyer and sued my landlord for an illegal eviction. I should have been protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act. In the 7 months that followed this event, I moved around to 4 different homes trying to get back on my feet and attempting to regain my independence. The unhealthy lack of security caused me to slip right back into another psychotic episode and once again I was put back into the mental institution as a result of severe insomnia which eventually caused me to lose touch with reality. I wasn't aware that I was hospitilized for 3 straight months this time non-stop and I was transferred to 3 different hospitals during that time for potential treatment. I was not responding to any of the medications or group therapy offered in the hospital for the first time in my life. I became catatonic and I was petitioned by the doctor of the hospital for a court hearing to mandate Electric Shock Therapy treatments as a final resort. My prognosis was grim sadly to say. The third and final hospital I was transferred to is where I received 7 bi-lateral rounds of ECT treatments. I do remember every other morning going into the operating room and being put under anastasia. I went from being clinically depressed and catatonic to laughing uncontrollably and hyper after each treatment. The doctors do not give patients any type of medication while undergoing ECT treatments. After my 7 rounds were complete, my doctor put me on a medication cocktail to stabilize me. At that time, I was a patient at a clinic called Easter Seals. I was put on a team named ACT Case Management, which is reserved for extensive therapy of extreme cases. Many case workers on the ACT team came to visit me in the hospital for observation and to determine how they could assist me once I was released. When I was released from the hospital 5 1/2 years ago, my ex-husband begged me to move in with him so he could help care for me and nurture me back to health. On the ACT team at Easter Seals, I was assigned a personal nurse and many therapists. Somebody would come to my home 3-4 days per week to either check on me in my environment, or to drive me to group therapy. The group therapy was Cognitive Therapy and the foundation of the group was centered on learning to practice Mindfulness Meditation. Just to make sure I make this clear, after my 7 ECT treatments, the largest side effect was severe amnesia. I couldn't remember a conversation I would have from one day to the next. I attended this Mindfulness group for approximately 3 years with the group starting over every 6 months. They let me keep coming back because my therapist knew I didn't remember what I had learned the prior 6 months. I'll be the first to admit, I hated therapy with a passion but I went every time because at that time in my life that was my only job. They would tell us to observe our thoughts without judgement, and the act of actively observing our thoughts would cause the racing thoughts to cease. I could only hold this silence in my mind for 2 to 3 minutes tops for the longest time before the racing thoughts would return. It was exhausting. Eventually, I was told I was being taken off of the ACT Team at Easter Seals because I was making such great strides in improvement, and also the therapists no longer believed that I had any unresolved issues that needed to be dealt with. It was around a year and 1/2 ago that everything came together for me like some type of miracle. I was doing my dinner dishes in the kitchen and tips and tricks that I had picked up in therapy were going through my mind. It was like a lightbulb went off above my head, all of a sudden my thoughts ceased, and not just for a couple of minutes but for hours at a time! In that moment I realized how much I actually retained from therapy and it wasn't a waste of time! Now this silence in my mind felt like a miracle from GOD himself, my entire life, even as a young child I always had racing thoughts. There was never a time that I could remember just being still in my head. I imagine this is what Nirvana or what they call Zen is like. I'm so excited to share with you and everybody that this peaceful feeling has remained with me still a year and 1/2 later from the first time I felt true mental peace. I find I can lay down and fall asleep naturally for a nap now, which I could never do before. My quality of life has changed in epic proportions from relationships with others and myself. The true wisdom here is to stay present as much as possible! The past no longer exists and the future is not promised. Now is all we have!!!! I choose to make the most out of my now moments and find with my newfound mental peace, I work smarter not necessarilly harder. In tandem with this, I have found the courage to face my fears no matter how big or small head on to destroy them. My faith in my higher power is stronger than ever and I truly believe that faith is the absence of fear. My marriage has been restored along with many other thngs in my life once lost have been restored to new. I've been through decades of suffering in my life, but, now that I am 46 years old and I have found enlightenment, I would go through all of it again to reach the magical place I find my soul in today in this moment.