The Silent Monster

As I lie here staring at the fan as it spins in circles, I couldn't help but realize how the mental abuse was spinning around and around and around in my head all these years without knowing. I had that moment of just lying here in silence staring at this fan spinning like the words that has haunted me all these years.

The words of self destruction,the words of self doubt, the words of discouragement and the words of worthlessness, no matter how hard I tried to not believe it, the words spun around and around in my head like the blades on the fan.

They say there are monsters that live under your bed but all my monsters live in my head. The anxiety of not doing anything right. The anxiety of being around "normal" people and the anxiety of existing created this monster depression that keeps me bounded to my bed staring at the fan as the blades spin round and round like the words that keep replaying in my head.

These voices in my head , they come from a demon in human form, meant to break you from all that you are. The person that I trust and love the most, the person that has lied to keep me bounded in their control. No escape, no socializing because than I would know what I was worth and what I was capable of. The person I have given my everything to is the same person that has imprisoned me in this portal of evilness trapping me in this nightmare lost in my own soul.

I was weak because I could not stand one more day in this life and so I fell to my knees. I begged to set me free from this imaginary life. I asked to get those words out of my head, I don't know who I am who I am anymore, I am merely a shell walking this earth, no soul, no love, just pain. I am defeated by this monster in this cruel world, trapped in my head.

That night , the fan blades stopped spinning and the voices were silenced, the coldness in the room was gone. I felt the warmth of love and comfort within me and I felt that peace that everyone speaks of, that quietness to where I could hear myself again. I felt my heart beat and the warmth of my blood flowing though my veins again. I felt that courage to get up for I only have me to fight with me, I wasn't alone anymore.

That day, I was able to say no, I was able to stand up for myself, I was able to escape. I did not know where I was going, I did not know how I was going to survive but I did know , if I stayed the depression would've killed me from within. No bruises, no cuts, no proof that I've been mentally abuse. I was just making all this up in my head with the constant gaslighting without the burns.

That day, I left and never looked back. I will not be defeated by what was meant to break me. I survived this silence abuse within my head and fought a battle that only I knew I had to fight. I fought everyday to survive, to get out that bed, to stop watching that fan spin like the words that were spun in my head for all these years.

Your mind controls who you are, what you hear, what you see and what you believe. Your heart gives you the courage to fight, the courage to save others that are fighting this battle in their heads everyday that nobody else will understand because this battle doesn't leave scars but kills you as a whole person from within.

Making someone believe that they are who this monster in their head tells them what they aren't, because once it is defeated it can't stop them from what they were made to be. The enemy only attacks something that's worth the fight. At thief doesn't rob form an empty home. A narcissist will never never be satisfied until they make sure you are broken enough to not be able to fight them back knowing once you make that stand you are worth so much more than them. Once you have that strength to stand up after you couldn't anymore, you are no longer in their control. You are you.