Self Soothing

When I hear the phrase self-soothing, I think of a skill many adults expect infants and toddlers to learn so that they don't "need" as much from us.

Here is the thing though: every one needs to know how to self soothe and independently regulate their emotions.

Many adults I know soothe themselves in a few different ways and while some might sound like good life skills, in actuality they are all equally negative coping strategies for dealing with emotions. Let me know in the comments if I missed any, but this is my list:

• working extra simply to avoid reflection brought on by stillness
• drinking
• smoking
• using illegal substances
• engaging in risky behaviors in general
• filling every spare moment on your calendar
• needing to talk to someone or listen to something all of the time
• watching tv to avoid being/feeling alone - even while trying to sleep
• shopping sprees
• gambling
• uncontrollable scrolling or video gaming when faced with downtime
• over or under eating to help minimize feelings
• social isolation to avoid triggering emotions
• reading and/or writing to avoid being alone in your own mind
• denying feelings - or as my therapist keeps saying "stop using logic to try to stop your emotions!"

Basically... any time that you, as an adult, find yourself so uncomfortable with the idea of just sitting still and being quiet that you have the urge to *do* literally anything else, congratulations, you, my friend, are avoiding your emotions and not actually self soothing.

I sincerely hope that my therapist doesn't read this article because... I don't want to admit that she is right and also... I don't want to admit that I have been practicing self soothing techniques. Why not? Because I am afraid of getting better. I am afraid of succeeding. Why? Because... it was so very hard for me to get the help that I needed (and is still a struggle getting at times), that I am terrified that if I do get better that something will happen (life always throws curve balls) and that I will be stuck trying to get help all over again. In example, I got better and didn't need therapy, but then someone dies and I can't handle it alone - and maybe no one will be available for months!!! These are things I am working on healing... getting over the scarcity mindset (technical term) is really hard though.

So, how does one self soothe?

Step one: sit down, lay down, stand still... and do nothing.

Step two: I see you reaching for that phone. Why? What is going on in your body right now?

Step three: Learn to identify your emotions. Focus on them, let them build... and breathe. If you are like me, tell yourself that it's ok. I personally started pretending that I was talking to a friend or my child because I am so much better at helping other people with their emotions than being nice to myself...

Step four: Let the emotion pass. For years I was told to visualize it as a cloud floating past, and while that might work for some people, it does not work for me. I visualize them as waves. They ebb and flow, no 2 waves are exactly the same... some of my waves, err... emotions, have sand mixed in with the water and others have both the abrasive sand AND bubbles of yet another passionate feeling.

Step five: Return to step 2 because you probably just think that you had only the one/few emotion(s) and you, like me, are busy lying to yourself! Either that or you continue to sit/lie/stand there going through steps 3 and 4 for a while until you are simply relaxed.

Once you can be still for 10 or more minutes without distracting yourself, then you might have found the ability to self soothe.

Positive ways to self soothe would include:

• telling yourself that it is okay - aloud or silently
• giving yourself a hug or applying deep pressure
• using EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) style skills
• gentle rocking or swaying movements
• breath work
• grounding techniques
• and because I'm a little (ok, a lot lol) scared of what the mental health professionals I see will say if I don't include this: taking your prescribed pills appropriately because apparently you're supposed to be able to still feel things and have a happy medium on regular medication ... and I have to remember that this is one of those things that I, quite unfortunately, do not share in as far as anxiety or anti-psychotic drugs go. *sigh* Kinda jealous honestly, but... moving on...

And yes, my main way of coping without my phone/books/tv/occasionally people is to make up other ideas in my head to distract myself from my emotions ... and yes, I admit, that is STILL an unhealthy coping mechanism. Just because I am able to create a movie in my own head instead of actively watching it on a screen does not mean that it is suddenly healthy when used to avoid emotions... Yes, I might be grumbling under my breathe - picture a teenager who is trying to sass their parent without actually letting the parent hear them! *smile*

For me, really letting myself feel my emotions has to be very intentional. I am really good at blocking them... at least, until they burst out. Actually, that is exactly way I wanted to write this tonight: to remind myself, to call myself out for this behavior that is negatively affecting my life right now!

You see, earlier today I snapped at my kids. I was on the phone with my mom. I had been avoiding emotions all day - completely in my logic brain as paperwork needed filed and finished... only for my last meeting with someone to trigger me so deeply because I felt like it was the end of the world that I didn't use every cent available in a grant and now it was going to be gone.

It was that scarcity mindset again and I spiraled.

I tried to sooth by scrolling Facebook videos. I listened to music. I hate the feeling of fear. I made lists rationalizing it away (guess what? That didn't work...). I thought about shopping, but the nice thing about scarcity mindset in me is that shopping makes it worse - on the plus side, it's great for my budget! I texted with some people finalizing plans - and forced myself to stop from over-filling my weekend schedule, which then triggered more feelings of fear. Fear of being alone with MYSELF!!!! The horror...

I called mom because usually that allows me to redirect and successfully avoid the emotion, but here lately? It has been intensifying them instead. I suppose that means that she is destined to be a great life coach! *grin* She did try to help me distract and work through them, but then I snapped at my little one to go away for the 3rd time in 10 minutes. Mom made a comment about it and I checked in with myself. I was overstimulated - and admitted to it.

It was getting worse and I ended up needing another anxiety pill to cope. I hate them because they make me feel like I am failing... it's really horrible to have coinciding fears of both failure and success. I guess I am talented like that though!

I thought of all of the things that I could do to silence the emotions for yet another night after the kids went to bed.

And then I realized that I was only making it worse. I've been doing this since Christmas. A few things overwhelmed me before Christmas and then I got sick which just made it harder to practice self-care, but now? Now I am just choosing to postpone what I know needs to happen and actually make the problem so. much. BIGGER!

So instead, I sat. And closed my eyes. And forced my mind to stop trying to escape the waves. It was hard. Really hard.

I cried because I got my feelings hurt by my best friend. She doesn't know it, and I will quite likely never tell a soul how or why because it is so stupid and not anything that she should need to feel bad for! ...only she didn't hurt my feelings, it wasn't her actions or choices - it was something someone else did that broke my heart - and my best friend only mentioned it in passing without knowing what it meant to me.

I felt embarrassment flood my cheeks and the urge to run and hide because I did something way outside of my comfort levels by sharing my attraction to someone with another person. Maybe I am a (enter expletive here) because I have desires... I felt anger rise: get out of my head you horrible people that made me feel like interest in physical intimacy was shameful. And then I fluctuated back and forth between the two... sides of myself that are split apart after sexual trauma. Both forced sexual encounters and forced denial of any interest in sexual desires to be the "good girl." I don't know how to heal it, or even if it is possible, but I just kept reminding myself that I do not honestly believe that my worth is tied to the number of people who have slept with me and I know that I don't believe that because I do not judge my friends on their experiences... just ... apparently... myself.

The anger gave way eventually to more tears because... I am so mean to myself and do my best to be oh, so kind to others. Why do I hate myself? Why don't I love myself?

Then, the fears announced their presence once more... I can't love myself because, I messed up on that paperwork for the grant and lost out on a few thousand dollar's worth of opportunity. Only, I really couldn't control that: I couldn't find the correct supports to use it all up earlier this year. So now embarrassment hit again because I am refusing to show care for my inner child for not being perfect - what would I think of myself for doing such a thing to another person? And yeah, then the shame because I was shaming myself for shaming myself... I am complicated, okay?!

Then, the anger came back with the knowledge that I am being forced into choosing between being the bad guy who takes their ex back to court and causes financial hardships and can't just "let go of these issues that aren't that big of a deal" and could be seen as a monster by people - even the real abusive person, oh my my... ... or be the bad guy who turns a blind eye to the issues but can present as a good co-parent by simply avoiding the issues and save my potential reputation and not risk other's not believing me - yet just won't be able to look myself in the eye when I look in the mirror and I shudder at answering God at judgment day. Why do I have to be the bad guy? screamed by shame... shame brought on by daring to have an opinion because... good girls don't have those, right?

Fear/sadness/grief/shame returned with a flood of overwhelm... no one will ever love you because you are actually such a bad person who just pretends to love... because if you actually truly loved, you could accept everything about yourself ... yet here we are *cue malicious laughter as my brain attempts to distract myself into a inner movie/book plot*

I put my hands on my chest and forced myself to slow my breathing while applying pressure. I choose to love myself. I choose to love the part of me that emotionally froze when raped and just did what I was told to do. I choose to love the part of myself who freezes into indecision because I am terrified of making the wrong decision. I choose to make a decision anyway because no decision IS a decision. I choose to love myself with my failures. I choose to love myself even though I have never been enough to make a man want to expand his own interests... just enough to be a "good time." I choose to love myself enough to admit that I hate how intensely I feel everything - and yet I choose to continue feeling those feelings, so I am downright proud of myself for that!

I have EVERY right and accessibility to take drugs (prescribed) to completely shut my feelings down to a level where the sunlight doesn't feel like magic unlocking the adventures that could be had, but also down to a level where everything feels so muted that I can just drift through life without really caring about my impact. Yet I choose to feel despite all of the logical reasons I should just take those drugs! That is something to be SO PROUD OF!!! That light in my eyes... that child-like wonder with the small things that most people take for granted... choosing to live like that after every reason life has given me to not do so? That is bravery and I am so proud of myself for loving myself enough to do that!

And then... the calmness hit with soft glints of happiness offsetting the minor flecks of deep sadness; the rage of anger simply simmering like a tea set to steep in the background; the embarrassment of my most horrible memories/traits merely there reminding me to try different strategies next time; the confusion surrounding so many experiences just there reminding me to stay curious and urging me to learn; and the feelings of fear being offset by all of the reasons I have to be grateful. It had only been 15-20 minutes. But that calmness? That is true acceptance and that is your end goal every time you do this.

The first few times you probably won't hit that calm. This time should have taken me 3 hours, but anxiety meds help shorten the process most of the time for me.

Everyone is different.

Every time is different.

But the general rule of thumb? The more you practice this, the easier it is to get to that calm.

Why don't we all do it more often then? Because we, as humans, HATE discomfort and try to avoid it whenever possible.

But, if we want to truly achieve real happiness - in any aspect of our lives, we cannot run away from every discomfort.