Is it okay to walk away from someone you love?

Love has an incredible power; it may be our blessing and our poison at the same time. Our joy and our pain. Our salvation and destruction.

It illuminates the darkest corners of our lives, filling us with a sense of purpose and belonging. Yet, at some point, the same feeling may begin to bind us with pain, destroying careers, friendships, hobbies, and even our sense of self.

When it does, the question arises: is love worth the suffering it brings? If not, is it okay to walk away from someone you love? In the eternal tug-of-war between heart and mind, which should we let prevail?

Of course, there is no one-size-fits-all answer to these questions. Still, let’s try to figure out which direction it is better to bend the scales.

Love vs. Relationship

Love, in its purest form, is often seen as a transcendent, almost mystical force. It can catch us off guard, and we may lack the words to explain. Certainly, in most cases, love is a reason for starting a romance and, in perspective, for building a family.

But love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. When we choose to entwine our lives with someone, we must frame that love within a relationship.

Psychologist Esther Perel explains it very well in her book “The State of Affairs”:

“Love is a feeling, a connection, a force that binds us. A relationship is a structure, a container for that love, shaped by the choices we make and the actions we take.”

Relationships require more than just passion. It requires open communication, trust, a willingness to grow together, a shared vision of the future, and much more. So, even though you may love the person wholeheartedly, you still may struggle to build a relationship.

What makes us happy — love or relationships?

According to a study, well-being, quality of life and overall happiness are more associated with the quality of a relationship, than with the intensity of love.

This suggests that while love is the foundation, it isn’t the queen of the ball. The quality of the relationship — the day-to-day interactions, the shared goals, the mutual respect — is what truly determines our happiness.

So we can conclude that if the relationship fails to flourish, love, unfortunately, cannot conquer it all.

However, in many cases, there’s often hope that love still can catalyze change or that our problems can be solved with perseverance and hard work. What do we do when we’re stuck in the middle? There are some tips on how to determine if a relationship may be saved.

When to stay and when to walk away?

Deciding whether to stay in a relationship or walk away is an emotional minefield. It demands deep introspection, a keen understanding of our feelings, and a clear view of the relationship dynamics. As always, the best place to start is within.

• Determine your vision

Achieving self-awareness is the first step in evaluating whether a relationship is worth fighting for or if it’s time to let go. It’s about recognizing your core values, understanding your needs, and being honest about your desires.

To achieve this level of self-awareness, consider the following questions:

1. What’s your lifestyle, life and career goals and core priorities? Do you need a relationship at this stage of your life?

Remember, it’s completely okay if relationships aren’t your top priority. We are no longer in those times when marriage is a duty and motherhood is the only available career for women. If you aren’t ready to commit, it’s unfair to both you and your partner to force it. If yes, move on to another question.

2. What are your core values in a relationship? Which points are non-negotiable for you?

Is fidelity important, or are you ready for an open relationship? Would you rather be with your partner 24/7, or do you need time and space for yourself? What would you never forgive your partner? It’s all important to determine for yourself to understand what would potentially make you unhappy (or already makes) in a relationship.

3. How do you see your relationship evolving in the future?

Do you want to settle down in one place and build your own house, or to explore new cities and countries? Do you want children? If yes, how many? How do you want to spend your retirement? While mapping out your future, you will better understand what you expect from relationships and which type of personality suits you well.

After honestly answering these questions, you will probably clear out for yourself many relationship queries. The notes you’ve made will become a starting point for making a decision about whether to stick to your love or let it go.

• Check with your partner

You did all the previous steps mostly to vocalize it to your partner and to assess whether your beloved aligns with your vision of a relationship. Why should you do that? Relationships are journeys taken together, and if both partners are heading in different directions, building a strong, lasting union becomes an uphill battle.

To determine if you and your partner suit each other, you may discuss the following questions with your partner:

1. Do you and your partner have a shared vision for the future?

If your dream is to build a house in the countryside and devote all free time to gardening, you wouldn’t probably build a strong bond with the person who enjoys the crazy rhythm of megapolic. The same thing is when you dream to have 4 children and your potential spouse is child free, you’re unlikely to find happiness with him or her. Significant disparities in core life goals can lead to resentment and none of the two will find harmony and satisfaction.

2. Does your partner support your personal goals?

If we bond our lives with someone, it’s also important to have a shared vision on career, lifestyle and sometimes even hobbies. For example, if your biggest dream in life is to build your own business, your partner should put up with 12-hour-long workdays and work trips. If someone in a couple actively undermines another’s aspirations, it never ends well. Sometimes people force themselves to choose between their love love and their dreams. However, it shouldn’t be the case. A healthy relationship should allow you to happily combine both.

3. Are you able to find a compromise in the aspects you don’t share?

Having differing opinions isn’t a deal-breaker, but it’s crucial to be able to negotiate and find compromises that work for both parties. So, it’s crucial to realize in what areas your and your partner’s views on life and relationships diverge, and how can you bridge those gaps. Pay attention on how do you both approach conflict resolution, and what strategies can you employ to find common ground. If one of you wants to live in a bustling city center while the other prefers a quiet suburban life, for instance, maybe you can find a happy medium in a lively yet green neighborhood?

Clearly determining all these aspects, you will probably understand how compatible you are with your partner and if you will be able to build a happy life together.

If the “container“ (a.k.a. relationship) for your love is solid and well-maintained and you’re sharing a vision, supporting each other’s goals, and can find compromises, it can hold love even during challenging times. However, if the “container” is fragile, love will probably leak out of it sooner or later. When that happens, people are usually left only with the negative polarity of love: despair and unbearable pain.

Summing in, I guess it’s not okay to walk from someone you love. Sometimes, it’s necessary.

It’s better to preserve the beautiful, inspiring notes of your love rather than watch them fade away in poisonous scandals, sacrifices, and fury.

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