My psychologist told me to argue more with people. Here’s why

The ability to avoid conflicts always seemed to be a win-win skill for me.

First of all, all those fights, offences and holding grudges disturb our own inner harmony. Secondly, who wants to work or hang out with problematic people? Relationships bring joy and benefits when there is no tension, misunderstanding or quarrel.

Therefore, I have adopted a simple rule when interacting with others:

If the problem is tiny, I’d rather forget about it. If it’s huge, I’d rather forget about the person.

Everything seemed fine until I talked about it with my psychologist. She told me that the real reason for avoiding conflicts has nothing to do with keeping my peace of mind, and it just makes my mental health worse.

Why do we actually avoid conflicts?

Usually there are a bunch of different reasons why people don’t want to stand up for one’s own rights in relationships. The first and most likely one is low self-awareness.

To engage in a constructive disagreement, it’s crucial to understand your own position and be able to articulate it with strong, compelling arguments. Essentially, we need our own internal “guidebook” of what’s right and what’s wrong.

Daniel Goleman, a psychologist and author of “Emotional Intelligence,” proved this theory:

“With self-awareness, we can better understand our emotions, strengths, weaknesses, needs, and drives (and vocalize them correctly). Without it, we are at the mercy of our emotions, vulnerable to their whims.”

In my case, I lacked this “guidebook.” What to say if a friend cancels plans at the last minute without a legitimate reason? How to react if family members give unsolicited advice? I often found myself shaking my head silently because I didn’t truly know how I actually felt about a certain situation. This lack of clarity led me to avoid conflicts altogether.

Certainly, there are cases when we’re clearly wronged or offended. I remember the situation when a colleague at a work meeting began to criticize the way I completed some tasks. I had objective reasons to defend myself and prove her wrong. Still, I didn’t do that. Why?

In moments when we are offended but still don’t defend ourselves, the fear of rejection rules our emotions.

In Spanish, there is a relatable phrase: “no vale la pena.” It literally translates as “it’s not worth the negative consequences it may bring.” What are the potential negative outcomes of advocating for ourselves? It may be abandonment or even deeper hurt that our opponent may cause.

So, I always thought that it’s better to keep silent than to put myself in such a danger. Recently I found an explanation in one of the articles of a researcher and storyteller who’s spent two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, Dr. Brené Brown:

“Fear of rejection is one of the most powerful fears that people have. It’s what makes us avoid conflict, keep secrets, and hide our true selves.”

For some people, the fear runs even deeper — it’s a fear of emotions themselves. Indeed, many of us may simply avoid expressing our emotions, whether they are positive or negative. There could be several reasons for this behavior. The most popular one is that people don’t want to appear weak or vulnerable.

I was no stranger to this fear. I believed that people might intentionally harm me at some point, exploiting my vulnerabilities. So it’s better to pretend that nothing bothers me and nothing offends me.

Basically, I buried my own emotions alive. Instead, I presented a calm and collected person to the world. At some point, it became a habit, and I forgot what it felt like to be angry with people or to start arguments.

To be honest, I was proud of myself when people told me I act so grown up and calm.

My brother recently told me that, and then he hit me over the head with the door from the kitchen counter. At that moment I just kindly stepped back, admitting that it was accidental (because it was!) instead of at least painfully moaning or asking to be more careful.

While such behavior may benefit others, it has the opposite effect on us.

The Cost of Avoiding Conflicts

“When we avoid conflicts, deep inside we repress the anger that arises during misunderstandings,” explained my psychologist.

I nodded positively.

However, she continued that anger is wrongly thought to be a feeling that should be avoided. It is not only a natural but also an essential component of our personality. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, explains that anger tells us when something is wrong, when our boundaries have been violated. It is like a sensor that tells us when we need to advocate for ourselves:

“Repressing anger doesn’t make it go away. We just bottle up our emotions and sooner or later they manifest in other, often unhealthy ways.”

In some cases, people lash out their anger at often weaker or defenseless people. Someone shouts at the children without any objective reason; others mock their pets or make a fuss in the queue at the store. So, when we avoid conflict in one situation, it arises in another and may cause harm to innocent people.

Another case of letting the unexpressed anger go is directing it on ourselves. Have you ever punished yourself for incomplete task or imperfectly done work?This is what I used to do on a daily basis. While finding excuses for the negative behavior of others, I never found excuses for myself. I blamed myself for every little misdeed and could not forgive herself for every wrongly said or written word. Sometimes it was exceedingly tough for me to cope with my own self, and this feeling burdened me.

My psychologist told me that such a thing is called autoagression.

Dr. Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, described autoaggression as “a turning inward of the aggressive impulses, which, unable to find expression outwardly, are directed against the self.” So, when we don’t express our negative emotions towards others, we start harming ourselves.

Such a repression of our emotions negatively affects your physical and mental health, according to a research. It’s proven that individuals who suppress their anger or direct it on themselves, are more likely to experience depressive symptoms, lowered life satisfaction, and decreased overall happiness. What’s more It is linked to various mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and lowered self-esteem.

Isn’t this too high a price to pay for the “positive person image”?

How conflicts help us

My psychologist surprised me with the fact that conflicts can be incredibly beneficial for our mental state.

The thing is, when we express our emotions openly and honestly, we experience a deep sense of relief. So, there will be no anger left within us to blame ourselves or argue with innocent ones.

What’s more, conflicts are a good way to increase self-awareness. When we explain our point of view to someone, we assert it before ourselves.

What about how it affects your relationships with other people?

Well, the psychologist assured me not to be afraid that I would become rejected and left alone after changing my behavioral patterns. On the contrary, by becoming aware of our emotions and learning to express them, we can build even healthier and stronger relationships. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), explains,

“Conflict is an opportunity for growth and connection. It’s a chance to understand different perspectives, express our needs, and find creative solutions that work for everyone involved.”

How to argue without ruining my friendship or inner peace is another form of art. And that’s what I’m going to learn next…