the darkness

“The Darkness” is my third poetic work in the themes of #chronicpain and #chronicillness. Scheduled time for rest between activity is a key factor in my ongoing maintenence of Fibromyalgia (FM) and Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME/CFS). The Post Exertion Malaise (PEM) which is the inevitable trait of ME/CFS is best embraced by me in a a time of silent stillness and quiet, preferably in the dark.

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Finding this kind of restorative darkness in a lifetysle of capitalist consumerism chaos, advertising, notifications and demanding digital engagement can be very difficult. I enjoy being part of modern society and my family is heavily invested in it, so I have no immediate wish to transition to a nomadic lifestyle in the bush living off the land for the peace and quiet of being at one with nature, no matter how romantic a solution it may be.

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Suprisingly, when I finally found a way to access the restorative darkness I didn't know I needed, it was very daunting. There is no map once I got there, there are no directions, and there is no-one else to guide me. I now find this kind of peace in different daily practice, through yoga, daily naps, active meditations, float tanks and even cycling and photography. The core essence of complete rest though, can still be hard to find, though I am willing to try new things and recommend on the basis of what works for me.

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i was always afraid of the darkness

at the start

at the very start

when i lost all my friends

and i no longer functioned

and the place which had paid for all my …useful time

had no use for me

and everyone thought i was lying

and my doctors treated me like an idiot

and i spoke like an idiot

and i felt like an idiot

idiot

at the very start i had

the darkness

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after i figured some of it out

and knew it could not possibly get any worse

started to see a way out

a way through

another way of being

not the bullshit somone sells me in a bottle of pills

not the bullshit somone sells me in an online webinar

not the bullshit somone sells me in the latest high tech gadget

but a true 100%way

of being with it while out of the worst

it could not get any worse

just a repeat of the same over and over

and ways to manage it

ways to reduce it

ways to make it easier to be a person being with it

while slowly singing and burning away

in the very furnace of its flaming worst

so if i could just reduce it…

but just thinking about it

then i would be too tired

exhausted and fatigued

too much pain

can’t think

embarrassed, ashamed, dehumanised

i would crawl back

and cry myself to sleep in

the darkness

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later

and now i am stronger

and now i know some of my limits

and i can do some of the things i used to

and i can do some new things i never did

but there are many things i can never do again

and some things i can do

but doing so makes me not be able

to do anything else for a while

and when it’s bad

and when it hurts

and when i have done too much

wether for the right reasons or not

or when it just hurts and is bad

for no reason anyone knows

waiting for me to return is

the darkness

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the darkness

silent, calm, patient

it knows i will be back

and it waits to take me

obscure me

submerge me

disappear me

the lights switch off

the blankets over my head

ear plugs in

eye pillow on

all the blinds are down

all the lights are off

and slowly silently

sigh myself awake in

the darkness

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the darkness

the darkness

the darkness

my true friend who sees all of me

with its giant black eye

unfathomable, like me

invisible, like me

the darknesss invades me

silences everything

it brings me peace

it brings me no judgement

the darkness pours through me

quenches these fears

soothes those hurts

it tames the tinnitus in my ears

It reduces the reverberation in my head

it quenches the quaver in my throat

it slows the staccato in my chest

it warms me cool in silent delight

the darkness

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i feel not

i hear not

i see not

i smell not

i taste not

i think not

i am not

and i am peace

and i am still

and i am sane

the darkness

the darkness

the darkness

Dear Friend

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And just to be very, very, very, very, very,

Clear

By succumbing too the darkness

To rest, to let go, to surrender,

I am able to see

The Light

Don’t despair

Dear Friend

If you don’t already see

The Light

Have faith

Trust your conviction

You too will see

The Light

It only waits for you to seek it

The Light

The Light

The Light in the darkness

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More info on Fibromyalgia

More info on Myalgic Encephalomyelitis: