YEARNING

https://open.spotify.com/track/4S6fv0puLCsfYjyBTPDb9k?si=9JKkV0FyTY25mWZOb0pb4Q

I once heard this statement; "Apparently there's no such thing as a coincidence, everything happens for a reason." How true it is, I do not know, but to everything that has been a part of this story, I've found a reason.

Beyond the beats of helium follows the story of a young girl. A young girl born into a large family, distinct from her peers. From a young age, she was rebellious, she loved to play rather than do the conventional things expected of her. It felt like she had no direction in life. She cried easily, she wanted attention. So, here is a young girl who just felt every emotion that knocked on her door without any reservations, feeling like she could do it all on her own even from such a young age. She just wanted to hit the nail on the head. In middle school, she hated school, always got into rough play, injured herself and messed up her clothes and when she got home, she got rebellious when she was told to clean up her clothes. However, through all this her family still stood with her and supported her. Its like she was a child who came into the world with questions already. In her final year of middle school, her parents transferred her and her siblings to a different school and all of a sudden, she was brighter, she was different. She began concentrating in class, she started paying attention to detail. She made new friends and she just started growing. At the graduation ceremony, she received so many awards and realized "oh am happy to see such a smile on my parents face." The smile had always been there but somehow it seemed so much brighter. That was probably the first moment of helium. Their love, the love of her parents and her family; she realized was lifting her up like helium. Standing on that stage, she felt like she was floating high in the sky, with their love lifting her up like helium, a pure helium, so light it never forced and pressure but yet so heavy, heavy enough to help her realize she couldn't do it on her own. A few weeks later, they moved to a new city, the city they come from and after the summer break, she was in school again, high school, the same as her elder sister and suddenly it felt like she was back at the bottom again, except now the bottom felt even deeper. It was a boarding school, so it was home away from home. She tried her best to get along. The first year of high school felt like the longest. It was the hardest for her.. She felt unwanted by her superiors, she got punished almost everyday and even though her sister was always there for her, which was an immense help because now when she looks back she realizes how much worse it would have been without her sister. In that year, she learnt again in a different way that she couldn't do life on her own neither did things come so easily in life, so she had to toughen up. A year of high school went by and she got better. She got to a point where she didn't feel beautiful, she felt boring , she doubted herself and now when she looks back, she knows she wronged herself. Whenever she was walking with her friends, they sometimes got called by the seniors, chatted with their seniors and because in that environment that was a "thing" like an achievement, she felt like an outcast. Then came puberty, with pimples and she just felt like her life was nothing to write home about. Now, she wouldn't describe her life as a total mess without any piece of joy in all those years but she just didn't know how to derive the joy in her life. But somewhere in this young girls heart, she just had hope, like a wonderful seed seated there waiting to be planted and nourished to grow. At the end of high school, she was so much more a better person, all those experiences had brought her to a stance that she was grateful for and somewhere, just somewhere along the line, she found confidence in those experiences, she found grace and she found security. So, she learnt that in the bad experiences of our lives, the downs, the challenges, we also change, we just don't learn from these experiences but sometimes good things can happen to us while experiencing those challenges. Which was yet another wonderful moment of helium. In the final year of high school, one thing she did realize was that she wanted to go to college as fast as she could. She never wanted to have a gap year or anything like that. Her parents especially her mom was all for having a gap year but she just had this ideology that it was lame and it will slow her down and people will just look down on her as someone who couldn't get into college. During her final year, she took measures to ensure she didn't have to face a gap year. She took the exams so early, she did her research and everything to prepare for university but somehow at the end of the day she still ended up on the road she tried so hard to not take. She had a gap year because she didn't get into college that year. She cried so hard. When she stopped crying, it wasn't because she wanted to stop or she had cried enough but because it literally felt like there were no tears left to cry. In that moment, she realized a statement she had always heard. "After all, life goes on" because life did go on and the world did not stop, it just went on, after all, it just went on. In that same moment, she realized her helium was still there, her family and not just her family but herself, her friends, her music and anything that was contributing to help her. No matter what had happened, no matter who, they were just still there, like a stable, continuous helium. Helping each other, taking care of each other. She did need help after all, everyone did. As she walked into the room that evening, that was the first time she heard the song helium, it was playing on her sisters phone. The first time she heard the song, she did not really get the lyrics, but the melody stuck and sent her looking for that song. Fun fact about her, she loved music, she loved art. There is a reason we're not in this world alone, we need each other. So she decided to keep her faith, accept love and lead her life. So she started the college application process again. In the course of the gap year, she got better mentally, physically, emotionally and in her abilities. She got into college. It felt like she was watching a miracle in front of her eyes. In this gap year, she grew, and although so many challenges came with this growth, it was fun. So fun to grow, growth felt like floating; you know how helium helps balloons float.

So here again is this girl, moving to Canada, a new system, a new environment, just a whole new phase again. She learned and she started college. A few weeks into this new world, she got sick, she had not made much friends or anything of the sort so she had no one to call or ask for help, it was like she was calling out for help but she heard no noise, only the sound of her voice breaking. A few days later, while running to the bathroom to throw up, someone helped her, it felt like a strange helium but she was very thankful. She got better two days after that. The days became weeks, weeks became months. She adjusted to her new environment, made a few friends. Life was going on. Some time later came another defining moment, she was no longer interested in her field of study. She wasn't enjoying her classes, she realized that it wasn't what she wanted, her heart was just not there. Prior to coming to college, somewhere deep down, she had doubts about the major she had chosen but she just kept pushing forward and decided to do it, but in those moments, those days that she pushed forward, she found answers to questions, she discovered more. So, she made the decision to live her best life as best as she could, she decided to request a program change, with this one thing in her mind; why should I be a shadow somewhere when I can be a star somewhere else. As someone who is sometimes hard on herself, she remembers during her meeting with the academic counselor, she told her how much of a fool she thought she was for choosing this program in the first place in spite of the doubts she had about it. But the counselor smiled and said this to her, "I don't think you were foolish, I think you just wanted to give it a chance and know beyond doubts that it wasn't for you and you did it, you gave it a shot." They seemed like such simple words but it brought her so much understanding and assurance with such a lovely peace. It wasn't an easy decision, it took weeks, she summoned her courage and told her parents, they supported her, although it was a little disappointing to hear she was leaving the science field but they still supported her, it felt so peaceful to have their support and above all, her decision felt so peaceful. Her first semester was such a roller-coaster, full of so many hard and joyful moments, at the end of it, she was grateful. So very grateful for those hard moments she went through transitioning and those happy moments. She still says to herself to this day, Oh, this was once a dream. Dreams can come true.

Alas, here is this girl learning, growing and glowing. Writing this story of her life. If for nothing else to convey this one message. Behind the beats of helium, she has learned that life is continuous, we will always need a helium in life, in whatever form it may come, and she's thankful to all her heliums in her journey so far and the heliums to come, because life is continuous, it moves forward and that is the life she wants to live, to move forward to continue to receive and give helium. A continuous yearning for helium, not because she doesn't have sources of helium right now but because she wants to get as best as she can, so she continues to yearn, to strive because that's just life, its as best as she can get until the end. Because this is her first life; not just hers but to all of us, our first time living this life. So lets not be too hard on ourselves, its not like it came with a handbook or we've done it before. Our best, as best as we can. A story of the journey so far in my life. The moments helium bring me to are all like bits of my life, when I was in high school, or when I was a kid. In any case, it all comes rushing back in. Its an encouragement, its a mood lifter, its a vibe and most of all, its a story; my story.