To Be a Slob

So, you've decided to give up being a neat freak? Wise choice.

There are many reasons why this path is advantageous.

Here are a few:

• Being neat takes way too much effort.
• You will save money by not buying cleaning and storage supplies. You'll save on water too. Look at you, all earth-conscious! Also, you shouldn't have to buy more clothes until the ones you now own are literally falling apart.
• People will leave you alone. Ah, solitude!
• You will save time by not cleaning and storing your items. Keep reading for further details.
• You will enjoy a life of supreme ease.

Sounds idyllic, right? Maybe even too good to be true? Well, you, too can be a slob. Whatever reason brought you to this decision, just follow the simple steps below. You may be the mayor of Slobville before you know it. Long live your slovenly subjects.

Let's get down to the details.

1. Don't shower or bathe unless demanded to do so by a doctor or boss. This is a great way to save time and money. You won't have to care about your hair either. If it looks like something died in there, you're on the right track. This may be how dreadlocks came into being. No need for deodorant or expensive perfume either. If someone complains that you are odiferous, tell them it's your lifestyle choice.

2. Don't wash your clothes until they're standing on their own. In fact, when you get home, throw your work clothes on the floor and grab your sweats, pajamas, or whatever makes you comfortable. In the morning, you can choose something off the floor to wear to work. Easy!

3. Never wash your dishes. If you like, you can lick them to a semi-dry state to avoid mixing meals. Yogurt, Kombucha, and cheeses - among other edibles - are made from fermented, soured, and/or moldy foods, and they're supposed to be good for you, so ditch the dishwasher and eat off those dirty plates and bowls. You're welcome.

4. Put your belongings anywhere it suits you. There is no need for cupboards or drawers in the Merry Old Land of Slob. Anywhere will do. Eventually, you'll find something you're looking for. Maybe. A slight word of caution here: do watch how high you stack your belongs. For safety.

5. Take it easy at every possible moment. The slob lifestyle requires some serious non-effort, so get on your butt and watch something mindless or binge some Netflix. Make sure if someone calls you a couch potato that you say, "Thank you."

6. Choose immobility over work. If you can get someone else to run errands for you, jump all over that. Need food? Try DoorDash, Grubhub or Uber Eats. Need supplies - other than cleaning, of course - try Amazon or almost any department or grocery store. Why go out when anything can be delivered? Why put effort into something that can be done for you? A bonus: those dirty dishes you shouldn't be worrying about can pile up another day.

7. Bodily noises should never be curtailed. Need to burp or pass gas? Let it out! No one is immune. We all have air that needs releasing. Your job is to make it as loud and impressive as possible.

After reading these great guidelines, I know that you're ready to become the slob you were born to be. As easy and satisfying as this is, how are we not ALL already slobs?

I leave you with The Hoarder's Blessing: Walk in wrinkles and may last week's crust be with you.