What have I become???

“Lindsay, please try to not forget the person I first met, the sweet, kind girl who loved god and was always happy.”

Those words shot through me like a cannon and shook the very foundation of my soul. Had I really become that jaded? Had I let people drag me down to a point where I was no better than they were? My close friend and mentor said this to me and I knew there was some serious soul searching that needed to be done.

I went to bed that night full of thoughts and those thoughts turned into sadness and that sadness into anger. Anger at the nastiness of the world we live in, angry at the people who had brought me to be this jaded, but most of all, angry at myself. I shouldn’t have ever let society or other people’s deplorable behavior impact who I am as a person. I realized that something must be done about who I was becoming before I lost myself completely. I awoke at 6:00 am the following morning, and spent the next six hours searching the depths of my heart and soul in hopes to recover any part of the person I used to be. I wrote and erased and wrote some more until I felt that I had addressed all of the ugliness that I had allowed to infiltrate my persona, and expell it for good. The weight that was lifted off of my shoulders when I finished this piece was substancial, and this poem is what I use as a guideline for my life, more or less it serves as my mantra. It keeps me in check when the ugliness of the world closes in around me and I feel my soul slipping into its dismal abyss.

I like to share it with everyone I can who is feeling down, or angry or sad, or just resentful of life. The really beautiful part about life is that you always get another chance so long as you’re alive, and you are the only one who can control your thoughts, behaviors and actions. Make the most of this life! I sure am!



Today



By: Lindsay Emily Preston



Today I become myself again, and show the world what I actually am made of.

Today I let go of my anger, hatred and fears, and strive to be the best version of myself I can be.

Today I will wash off all the muck and filth and impurities that have built up from toxic people and situations, and embrace that squeaky clean slate.

Today I start fresh.

Today I open my eyes and see the world through rose colored glasses, but with a stronger prescription of truth and cautious wisdom.

Today I recall that before all of the lies and pain and deceit, before I became jaded and pessimistic and guarded, there was the kind, unadulterated, innocence that allowed the eternal optimism I believed in.

Today I regain that sight.

Today I remember what it felt like when I CHOSE to see the good in everyone, the glass half full, and the grass was just as green on my side as it was yours, and there were no other roads but the high.

Today I embrace my fears and allow myself to show my weaknesses, for it is my shortcomings and flaws and insecurities that allow me to be strong.

Today I regain that strength I once had, and make myself be brave again and tear down my cowardly walls.

Today I am brave.

Today I remember I was raised properly, and fill the air with a lovely aroma of dignity, class, selflessness and respectful sophistication.

Today I remember my morals and values and prove my word is still my bond.

Today I prove to myself and others that the girl I once was is still alive and well, and desperately wishes to live again.

Today I choose to live.

Today I stop letting the devil fill my heart with hatred and stop listening to his filthy propaganda.

Today I am the only one who is in control, today you will not change me.

Today I think before I speak, take the high road, and let go of petty arguments.

Today I am the bigger person.

Today I admit that I was wrong, and allow myself to be humbled by just saying I am sorry.

Today I tear down the burnt remains of relationships, instead of attempting to repair the bridges of the past using empty, insincere, apologetic ashes.

Today I build new bridges with materials derived from mutual respect, loyalty, forgiveness and love.

Today I will forgive.

Today you cannot break me, or beat me down to your level, because today I will rise above for myself.

Today I show that it is far better to kill someone with kindness than nastiness.

Today I wash my hands of the poisonous people, and stop letting them make me be ugly.

Today I will prove that beauty is not just skin deep.

Today I can be beautiful.

Today I remember that I DO care what people think, and stop being so cold and callous.

Today you may not like me, but there are infinite tomorrows for me to keep trying, and at least today I can say that I like myself.

Today I can be proud of who I am and take my own well-being into consideration.

Today I stop making excuses, and start making changes for the better.

Today I will be proud.

Today I drown everyone else out and only hear what I have to say, think and feel.

Today I am the only person who will impact my behaviors, actions and thoughts, but remain open to the feelings of others.

Today I will listen.

Today I am the only one to blame, because today I am accountable for my actions and take full ownership for my decisions.

Today I will express my gratitude, and demonstrate my appreciation through careful consideration of others.

Today I will be kind.

Today I am my own ally, friend and confidant, and I have no enemies.

Today I will be the person I once was, before the world beat me down, the person who always saw the good in everything, and everyone.

Today I remember that if you don’t expect too much out of people, they can never let you down.

Today I will not judge.

Today I allow myself to really FEEL, raw emotion, for that is the most real, honest, true thing in my world.

Today I will harness the power of happiness and use it to fight the negative pessimism that is taking over the world.

Today I cry tears of joy, not of pain, self loathing or selfish pity.

Today I fight back.

Today I show that no matter how much pain, and suffering, and chaos I have gone through, my heart is still very much in tact, and still full of love.

Today I will smile and laugh and be happy no matter what comes at me, because I remember how wonderful that feels.

Today I am happy.

Today you cannot hurt me anymore, because I have not forgotten that girl who was in love with love and believed in magic and happily ever after.

Today I am a star, and will shine my brilliant light on every single person I can, just to make them smile.

Today I turn myself inside out and let the world see the true color of my heart, and the essence of my soul.

Today I will shine.

Today I will be an open book and wear my heart on my sleeve and sing at the top of my lungs and dance like no one is watching, because today I accept that this is just who I am.

Today I am at peace.

Today once again I BELIEVE that it is a great day to be alive, because today the real me starts living again.

Hello today, allow me to introduce myself!