What.. am I thinking?

What the hell was I thinking?

I know right, a good question I ask myself a million times a day, as I'm sure we all do at some point in time. My life is one big complicated mess and just when I think its all about to be okay, boom. I let myself down again. So where do I start? Let me take you back a little ways but I will make it brief.

Since I was 19, my relationships were not the best. Every man I ever dated became abusive towards me, took me away from my family and just beyond a cry for help. Because of these relationships and myself being brainwashed to not stay away, I bottled myself up. I was scared and unsure where to turn. Even as an adult who would've thought you can still be scared. After 12 years of this, I was finally able to grow up, break loose, and met a man who were none of those things. He's genuine, caring, and goes above and beyond for me. He never lays a hand on me and never talks down to me. We are set to be married soon and I couldn't be happier. So why am I screaming what the hell was I thinking? Well, this particularly pertains to my career choices. See, all my life I was able to keep a job for years. Now, not so much. Part of me thinks its because I found a wonderful relationship and I hate being told what to do. I mean, can you blame me? Years of emotional and physical abuse would do that to anyone. Plus, I want to own my own boutique, which I am trying to begin as I write this. But, I also feel guilty. Guilty because of putting him in the position of having to provide for us both when I should be helping. The last job I had was very difficult but the pay was amazing and would've been great for our wedding expenses. However, I got scared and tucked my tail between my legs and left. I didn't feel as If I could do it and got freaked out. The trainer was intense and so strict that I felt way beyond my comfort zone of pressure just overwhelming me. I know, not an excuse and its very irresponsible especially with a wedding coming up and also just being moved into a new home. This is also very unlike me. I don't understand why I have been so scared about jobs. I had a steady job for 4 years and honestly ever since I left there my resume has taken a beating. The reason for leaving that job was because the company was deteriorating in front of my eyes. I don't regret my choice on that particular job but my choices that follow were the questionable ones. I tried going for a career and not just a job. That is all I wanted. I had a couple great opportunities that I felt like I wasn't smart enough and failed at succeeding. I know pathetic. I am only a high school graduate and feel as though that's all I was destined to do. I didn't have the brains for college or degrees. I was meant to be stuck at a job, not a career. Is it really stupid to want to live life the way you want to live it? We only have one shot at this and I don't want to be miserable. I also don't want to be irresponsible. All I know for sure is that I am determined to make my dreams come true eventually. I do know I cant have it in an instant so I need to be able to have that security. Please pray as I continue on my journey and hopefully find something permanent as well as building my dream into a reality. I wanted to put this out there to not only learn for myself but hopefully provide some answers to others. Take a chance but be smart. Don't discourage yourself or let others discourage you. The world we live in today is not the same as it was before. Now, more than ever, we need to preach kindness. I am not perfect, no one is. But lets all do our best to be as close as possible. Our children, our future, need a safer place to begin a life of their own and to pass on to their children. We all can be better including myself. I know I have a lot to work on clearly, but I hope you take the time to reflect on yourself and how you could be better. Not just for others but for yourself. Reach for those dreams, stay positive and always, always be kind. You never know what someone is going through behind the curtain. Even for all the “Karen's”. Lets be better than that. Thank you for reading.