This year I am choosing to fall in love with myself. I am choosing to start this journey of loving me today; not waiting to evolve into the best version of myself. I am not going to wait until I have it all together. I am not waiting until all the quarantine weight falls off. I am not waiting until I’ve healed from all the pain I have endured over many years. I am not going to insist on meeting goals and objectives first. I am not waiting on others to encourage or support me. For the first time in life: I am choosing me. I have abandoned her and neglected her while trying to help any and everyone. My compassion is a blessing, but it has also been my weakness. I have compromised so much of me, that sometimes I’ve felt like I no longer mattered. Although I knew I was suffering inside, I felt others were more deserving of mercy. I’d be willing to starve so others could eat. I’d overwork so others could rest. I’d carry the burden so no one else had to experience the heaviness. I’d dim my light so someone else could shine. In doing these things I hoped to make humanity better. I knew that I alone couldn’t a huge difference in the world, but I tried to make a difference. I encouraged, uplifted, and supported others: it did not matter if they were family or a stranger. I just wanted to do my part.
I think I overdid it. I think I excelled and failed all at the same time. I excelled by impacting lives, but I failed by losing mine. I do not mean literally, because I am still breathing. However, I have failed because I forgot to love me in the process. I was so busy making sure everyone else was okay, that I did not ensure I was well. Although I made such a mistake, I am still here. So why not correct my wrongs! What is stopping me from getting it right? Well as I reflect, I can acknowledge that the only person in my way is me. I am no longer going to be an obstacle. I am embracing me for all I am, no matter if it is good or bad. I am loving me in the moment. I am prioritizing my well-being, health, peace, and happiness.
While choosing to love me, there are things that I am working on within me. I am giving myself the freedom and space to heal, and I am doing so at my own pace. This indeed is a journey and not a race. I am forgiving myself for failing to love me. I am forgiving myself for not establishing boundaries and beginning to establish them. If I do not put up a gate, others will trespass. I am forgiving myself for not defending me. I am taking accountability for me. From now on, I am being intentional in regard to my needs and self-care. I will partake in things that I enjoy. I will capture moments and not things. I will find beauty in the simple things. I want to get out of the house more but spend more time in nature and with myself. I am willing to exercise and incorporate this as a lifestyle and not just a fad. I am a food lover-but I can set limitations. I do not have to eat everything that tastes good all the time. I am choosing to incorporate healthier food habits, while not abandoning the food I enjoy. I am slowing down to a pace that is comfortable to me. I am not in competition with others. I am not running to finish the race: I just want to take my time. I am not being so focused on the future, but more in tune in what is happening now. I want to enjoy who I am right now even though I am work in progress. I want to be my biggest fan. I want to smile at me when I look in the mirror. I am willing to be my own best friend. I still will make goals this year. I will still help others. I will still bleed with compassion. I am so interested in who I am becoming. Despite my challenges, I am proud of this moment. I am proud to be encouraged and motivated. 2021 is a new year and a new beginning for me, but it is a journey that has been waiting on me. I do admit that there is some discomfort as I begin this journey, and its only because this is a new process. I have never been in love with myself before. I have never valued myself as much as I do now. A part of me feels selfish, but I know that is just due to me being used to doing for everyone else for so long. I am convinced that this will be an amazing year. I believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and I look forward to where I am going.
About the Creator
JENNIFER MADDOX
Writing stories is one of my greatest passions. It allows me to be unapologetically me. I can be creative, inspiring, silly, suspenseful, and or deep. There are no boundaries when I decide. Writing creates a special kind of freedom.
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Losing Him
Jade do this. Jade do that. Jade, did you remember to? It just goes on and on, person after person. I feel the need to escape from this place I used to call home. It has only been three days, and I barely can stand it. Perhaps I am just used to being in my own apartment, where there is a lot less people and noise. I used to dream of having a big family, but I think a husband and a cute dog will do. Now I do understand that I may just be on edge because all of the changes that happening right now. I am used to things going a certain way and being a certain way. Why does so much have to change so fast? Just last week I was living my best life. I mean I was on my own, employed full time, enjoying the warm Florida climate, enjoying my cozy apartment where I live alone, working out daily, and indulging in food and wine with my friends on the weekend. Now I am surrounded in cold Michigan with all of my closest family members in a home that is too small to fit us all comfortably. Now I love my family, every last one of them. But we each have our own lives going on and our own personalities, that we sometimes crash when we have too much of each other. Day one of this trip was not bad at all. I think I was just so happy to hug my loved ones, that nothing else mattered. I just needed to know they were alright. We had not been around each other long enough to be bothered by anyone. Day two was when reality set in: we are all together to mourn the death of my grandfather. Everyone just seemed sad on day two. We talked to one another, but not in any great length. It was just a day that kind of dragged, but everyone was respectful to one another. Now it’s day three and no one is biting their tongue. People are fighting for bathroom time, debating over what to cook, not cleaning up after one’s self, and just talking over one another. We are all still sad, but I think rather angry too. Although my grandpa lived a long life, it still doesn’t seem fair that he is not here anymore. I looked forward to our weekly hour discussions on the phone. I could talk to Grandpa just about anything. It did not matter if I wanted to talk about my life or the moon, he always listened. He had a way of making anyone feel comfortable. He was kind, wise, and had the best sense of humor. Him and I were so close. I feel like he belonged to me more than anyone else. That is rather selfish of me, because I know him and my grandmother was really close. I really haven’t even really checked on her. She is here with everyone else, but I feel like I am purposely avoiding her. Maybe I do not want to see her sadness. Maybe I do not want to think about how devastating this must be to her. They have been married over fifty years! How do you just say bye to someone who you’ve grown to love so much? Poor grandma. I’m thinking poor me, but really Grandma probably is in worse shape. I know my mother is in bad shape: that is mostly why she keeps calling for me. She needs my help with mostly everything. My two older brothers James and Jayden have not been called at all. I wonder if my mother remembers that they are here too. James even has his wife and children with him: they could be a help to my mother. But no, she doesn’t request anyone but me. I should have had a sister so she could help me. I don’t think my mother expects as much from her sons. They are spoiled rotten. I’m the baby: that was supposed to me. Instead, I was the one my mom was much harder on. She takes the role of being a woman to another level. My mother has taught me to be very independent, as well as very virtuous. She wants me to be do well professionally but just as well when it comes to one’s household and taking care of others. I cannot lie: my mother is a modern-day Martha Stewart mixed with Kamala Harris. I’m like mom, can I just be 23? She cracks me up sometimes with her ambition, kindness, and drive to see me succeed.
By JENNIFER MADDOX5 years ago in Families
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