Losing Him

Jade do this. Jade do that. Jade, did you remember to? It just goes on and on, person after person. I feel the need to escape from this place I used to call home. It has only been three days, and I barely can stand it. Perhaps I am just used to being in my own apartment, where there is a lot less people and noise. I used to dream of having a big family, but I think a husband and a cute dog will do. Now I do understand that I may just be on edge because all of the changes that happening right now. I am used to things going a certain way and being a certain way. Why does so much have to change so fast? Just last week I was living my best life. I mean I was on my own, employed full time, enjoying the warm Florida climate, enjoying my cozy apartment where I live alone, working out daily, and indulging in food and wine with my friends on the weekend. Now I am surrounded in cold Michigan with all of my closest family members in a home that is too small to fit us all comfortably. Now I love my family, every last one of them. But we each have our own lives going on and our own personalities, that we sometimes crash when we have too much of each other. Day one of this trip was not bad at all. I think I was just so happy to hug my loved ones, that nothing else mattered. I just needed to know they were alright. We had not been around each other long enough to be bothered by anyone. Day two was when reality set in: we are all together to mourn the death of my grandfather. Everyone just seemed sad on day two. We talked to one another, but not in any great length. It was just a day that kind of dragged, but everyone was respectful to one another. Now it’s day three and no one is biting their tongue. People are fighting for bathroom time, debating over what to cook, not cleaning up after one’s self, and just talking over one another. We are all still sad, but I think rather angry too. Although my grandpa lived a long life, it still doesn’t seem fair that he is not here anymore. I looked forward to our weekly hour discussions on the phone. I could talk to Grandpa just about anything. It did not matter if I wanted to talk about my life or the moon, he always listened. He had a way of making anyone feel comfortable. He was kind, wise, and had the best sense of humor. Him and I were so close. I feel like he belonged to me more than anyone else. That is rather selfish of me, because I know him and my grandmother was really close. I really haven’t even really checked on her. She is here with everyone else, but I feel like I am purposely avoiding her. Maybe I do not want to see her sadness. Maybe I do not want to think about how devastating this must be to her. They have been married over fifty years! How do you just say bye to someone who you’ve grown to love so much? Poor grandma. I’m thinking poor me, but really Grandma probably is in worse shape. I know my mother is in bad shape: that is mostly why she keeps calling for me. She needs my help with mostly everything. My two older brothers James and Jayden have not been called at all. I wonder if my mother remembers that they are here too. James even has his wife and children with him: they could be a help to my mother. But no, she doesn’t request anyone but me. I should have had a sister so she could help me. I don’t think my mother expects as much from her sons. They are spoiled rotten. I’m the baby: that was supposed to me. Instead, I was the one my mom was much harder on. She takes the role of being a woman to another level. My mother has taught me to be very independent, as well as very virtuous. She wants me to be do well professionally but just as well when it comes to one’s household and taking care of others. I cannot lie: my mother is a modern-day Martha Stewart mixed with Kamala Harris. I’m like mom, can I just be 23? She cracks me up sometimes with her ambition, kindness, and drive to see me succeed.

“Jade,” Mom calls again.

“Yes mother. I have done all that you have asked.” I say, flopping down on the couch.

This lady has to find someone else to call on. She is usually not this bad, but I think losing her father has her in such a panic. I am trying to be patient with her because I know she means well.

“Well thank you. I don’t know what I would do without you.” Mom says.

“We are a team.” I smile.

I really wanted to say, you can call on James and Jayden. They are not busy. But as usual I sucked up what I wanted to say and said something kind. My grandfather always said that there is nothing like family and it doesn’t cost us anything to be kind.

“What are you going to do today?” Mom asks.

Wow is this a trick question? I better say something for she finds something for me to do.

“I think I will go for a brisk walk and maybe get together with some of my friends from school.” I say.

“Well, that sounds like a win. Make sure you make time to talk with grandma today. She said she had alone time with everyone but you so far.”

“Okay I will talk to her before I leave.” I say.

I get up from the couch and head to my grandparent’s room. I was not prepared for this, but I guess I need to talk with her.

“Hey Grandma.” I say. “You wanted to see me?”

Grandma sits in her tan recliner with a big grin on her face. She has the blinds open and the sun is shining through. To my surprise Grandma is fully dressed. She is wearing a white dress and her hair is draped down. It looks like she is about to go somewhere fancy. The look on my face must show that I amazed.

“You were hoping to find me in here crying dressed in all black.” Grandma laughs.

I nod my head and then smile. I walk over to my grandmother and give her the biggest hug. We embrace for a little bit. I hugged her the first day I arrived, but this hug feels so much more special. I take a seat on Grandma’s bed.

“Where are you going today?” I ask.

“I have no plans but people have been visiting. I want to look presentable. Also, this is the dress your grandfather bought me years ago. I thought it was fitting to wear today.” Grandma smiles.

“Well, you look beautiful.” I smile.

“Thank you. I am just a reflection of you.” Grandma smiles.

“Grandma how are you doing? You don’t have to be strong for me.” I say.

“I am doing okay today. I am sad of course, but I will be okay.” Grandma says.

“How do you know you will be okay?” I ask.

I am looking at her but she looks fine. She doesn’t look like a widow.

“I know because I have faith. I have had a great life with my husband. We have grown old together and death is a natural process. Your grandfather left peacefully and that gives me peace. We lived our life with no regrets. We enjoyed us. We enjoyed our children, their children, and now even great-grandchildren. I am just grateful.” Grandma says.

“I am grateful for you all too. You have both been so big in my life, especially Grandpa.” I say.

“Well how are you doing? You don’t have to be strong for me.” Grandma says, reaching for my hand.

I take hold of Grandma’s hand. She squeezes it. I smile.

“I am okay. Listening to you makes me feel a little better.” I say.

“Keep going.” Grandma urges.

“I was so upset about him leaving, I just wanted more time.” I say.

“Baby, there would never be enough time. He could have lived ten more years and died, and you’d still be saying you need more time.” Grandma says.

“I think you are right. I just imagined that he would be there at my wedding.” I begin.

“You are getting married!” Grandma says, alarmed.

“Oh no not yet. I have to find the right person first.” I laugh.

“Okay then, I was going to say I know you and your grandpa talked a lot, but he didn’t tell me you had found someone special yet.” Grandma says.

“No not yet. And I am going to miss that too. Just being able to talk to him and tell him everything that is going on with me. I just wish I could somehow be in touch with him still.” I say.

“Jade, you will always have the memories. No one can take that away from you. Your grandpa was very fond of you. He loved your brothers, but he said there was something so special about you.” Grandma says.

“Yeah, he told me that.” I smile.

“Hey, look behind my chair and see if that box is still sitting there.” Grandma says.

I get up and go behind her chair. I see a large box on the floor. I pick it up and offer it to her.

“No, open it up.” Grandma says.

I take a seat on her bed. I take the top off the box and inside is two big envelopes.

“Open them.” Grandma urges.

The first envelope is filled with so many pictures. There are pictures of myself with Grandpa, pictures of Grandpa, and pictures of Grandma, Grandpa and I together.

“Aww, this is so sweet. Who saved all of these?” I ask.

“Your grandpa did. Open up the other envelope.” Grandma says.

I empty out the second envelope on to my lap, and out comes money bundled together.

“Wait, what is this?” I ask.

“Is there anything else left in the envelope?” Grandma asks.

I check inside. It is empty. I look at Grandma.

“Look in the box. There should be something else.

I search through the box and find a little black book. I open up the notebook but it is just blank pages. I look confused.

“Jade, in your lap is twenty thousand dollars and that notebook goes along with it” Grandma says.

“Wait, twenty thousand dollars! Oh, my goodness. Why me? And what do you mean this little black book goes with it?” I ask.

“Your grandfather left it for you. He told me to ensure I gave this to you in the event he passed away. He gave you the book so that you can write him regularly. He requested that you use the money to purchase things that bring you joy. He specifically said this money is not for bills. He asked that whenever you spent some of it on something you enjoy, to write in the book and tell him all about it. That’s it.” Grandma says.

I smile so big. I gather the stuff off of me and get up to hug Grandma. I feel like crying, but I do not. I let Grandma go.

“This was so sweet of Grandpa.” I say.

“Well, he has always been a charmer.” Grandma smiles. “He wants you to enjoy your life and that book allows you to continue your conversations.”

“So cool.” I smile. “I love it.”

This gift is priceless and losing Grandpa is bittersweet.