This Year, I Dance

THIS YEAR I DANCE

I was 23 when my husband died. They say you lose a part of yourself with everyone, because each person brings out something different. With him I lost my adult self. We were 18 when we met, 20 when we married, and everything I knew about living without my parents included him. Ten months after he died my mental health spiraled, and I checked myself into a mental health behavioral center. The most liberating day was when I honest with myself. I had a journal, and I did start vomit writing my feelings and thoughts. “I HATE MYSELF” I wrote and continued with all the things I hated about me. That was 4 years ago and today I realized that my self-image was developed into my adult self. The hole left behind contained more than I could, at that time, comprehend.

Everything I read and listen to says that I will live with that hole forever.

This year I am deciding that I do not want to do that. I want to heal my heart, mind, and soul. I want there to be a beautiful scar that enhances my life.

So This Year, I DANCE

I was 12 years old the first time I passed out. It was physical education class, springtime, and I had trained all year for a four-minute mile. There was a girl in my class that could do it and I wanted to beat that time. In the fall I finished in about six minutes, I think. Which meant shaving off two, was do able. The field was short but if we ran in an oval four times it equaled a mile. I had to be on my fourth lap taking my last turn into the final straight away when my body said it. "I am going down," my eyes noticed a tree next to the running path and almost in response my body said, "That is better than being in the way." Mentally and Emotionally, I remember protesting but my body was right, I was going down with or without the tree.

Over the next 15 years I would try different sports, medications, doctor appointments, eating habits, and therapists. My body wanted to comply with my wishes, but my expectations were outrageous. Even after the passing out and failed attempts to keep up with others I kept believing "If I suck it up and push through it, I can be exceptional." Working with a one-on-one personal trainer is too expensive, so I tried all the group training I could find. The workouts would help unless I tried to keep up with everyone else. Then I would be barely functional for days. I could feel the challenge helping me, but something needed to change. I needed a different approach.

While watching routine Instagram stories, of trainers, yoga instructors, I changed my mental approach. I realized rather than adapting myself to the workouts, I needed to adapt the workouts to me.

So This Year, I DANCE

I was about 6 years young, we lived in a small town in Utah. My parents were not disabled yet, my sibling relationships were perfect. I rode my bike to school, played with my friends, got in fights, went to church and I danced. I have one fragmented memory of being in a park. There were groups of dancers separated by age and dance style. Mine was a hip hop/cheer, I think. I remember the sensation of doing an ariel. I remember being in rhythm with the music. The memory blends into another one, inside my house basement, my mother is teaching us how to spot. She had been a dancer; she would dance 6 hours a day. Now she was sharing her wisdom, I was spinning without getting dizzy, I was practicing lifting my body off the ground with my chest.

So This Year, I DANCE

In 2017 I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. It is an autoimmune disorder. Basically, my nervous system does not communicate correctly, leading to an array of symptoms like heat/cold flashes, lack of blood circulation, palpitations, dizzy spells, passing out, etc. Medicinal treatments are hit and miss. Sometimes they work wonderful, for me that has not been the case which is why I have opted for lifestyle changes. “We cannot fix the damages caused by POTS, but we can take preventative action against more,” Dr. Goodman a Neurology Specialist at the Mayo Clinic, told me.

Coupled with aura migraines and hypermobility, I found it easy to overexert myself. One day I would like to compete in lifting competitions, but right now I need to learn to control my body without added weights. Calisthenics is my focus and Dance is my gateway. Complete body control, a synergy between it, mind, and soul.

High levels of stress have different effects on the brain depending on when they occurred in the brain’s lifespan/development (Bremner, 2006). There are stories about stroke patients learning to do things again, like speak. I heard once that the damaged neural pathway does not become repaired, rather the brain develops or activates a new one. It is said that high stress/traumatic situations can have similar destructive affects effects.

The year my husband died, I also had my baby, and was in a serious car accident. While that year will always be one of the best years of my life, regardless of the turmoil, it will also be the year that sped up my cognitive decline. Brain fog was saving my life while I learned to live again. But it also tampered neural connections.

I do not want the rest of my life to be defined by a single year in my life. Which is why I am choosing to dance. Just like stroke patients, I am activating and developing new neural pathways, starting with a memory from 20 years ago. Every step, rhythm, lesson, outfit, is a hope for a better cognitive development.

This Year, I DANCE to remember. I dance for joy. I dance to grow. I dance for strength. I dance to heal.

Since starting dance 4 weeks ago (2 classes a week), I have started nesting again. I’ve started eating again. I’ve started painting, writing, dreaming, making a new friends (important for an extrovert) and I am excited to meet myself again.

Bremner, MD, J. D. (2006, December 1). Traumatic stress: effects on the brain. PubMed Central (PMC). https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181836/