The Story Of Me

The Younger Years

We are born into a world not knowing what the future will hold, from the moment we are brought into life we never know what lays before us. What will we become? Who will we be? Our paths and destinies seem to be a lifetime away, no responsibilities, no bills to pay, we are just clinging to life with everything that we have.

The baby grows into a toddler and then a child, we go to school then a whole new world starts.

When I first ventured into an unknown realm of school, it was rather unpleasant and painful time. A time that seemed to follow me into my adult life.

Although it’s a distant memory, the times of it creeps through the cracks of the corners of my mind. They’re times I will not cherish, but how I wish I could forget. I was bullied throughout my childhood, in primary and in high school. But one thing I never stopped being was me, I was me and never changed no matter how hard people tried. I will always be me, and that’s all I will ever be. Those times were one of the hardest, I wish no child to go through what I did. There was no such thing as ‘cyberbullying’ in my day, if it was, it would be almost like a sweet relief. I could block them and move on. The taunts, teasing and countless times I’d be beaten up and bruised, it all took its toll on me. I always kept what happened to me to myself, however the very first time I attended school I couldn’t hide it. My first day I wondered what would happen, I was dressed in my uniform, the wonder filled my mind, how many friends would I make on my first day? The answer to that question was sadly none. My mother took me to school and while children ‘played nice’ while my dear mum was around, it changed course the moment she left. The older kids sized me up like a tiger does its prey. I climbed the play equipment only to be ripped back down on the bark chips below, a kid said to me

“What’s your name?” the reply was

“What did you do that to me for? That hurts me”

They then continued to shout even louder,

“I SAID, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?”

Elizabeth I replied.

“I DON’T LIKE YOU!!!”

They said with so much anger in their voice, and I wasn’t sure why. Another kid slapped my face, another punched me in the eye and I tried to flee, but I was trapped like an animal in a catch or a fly in the spider’s web, they had me. I tried to climb the equipment to get away to which I got pulled back down again onto the bark chips that felt like little spiky needles under my skin those splinters that were under my skin hurt so much. They would kick, punch and slap throw bark chips at me, I was helpless, and I had no idea why I was hated so much by kids that didn’t even know me. I don’t remember much else, just as well I suppose all I can remember was coming home my mum taking my school uniform off and was shocked to see how many bruises they left me with, then I remember one by one long and small splinters were removed from my skin.

My mum started to cry, as she blamed herself for not being there, I said it was the ones that hurt me who were at fault. I never returned to that school again. Now another school had to be found, and I was petrified it would happen all again, I had two black eyes, a busted lip and countless bruises all over my legs, arms and back. The wounds eventually healed and, looking back on things, the memories never did. It’s been thirty-one years since it all happened, and I’ll never get the answers as to why that happened. I was just a child that wanted to play innocently on play equipment, I wanted to make friends to call my own. Not get wounds, cuts and bruises to heal. I’m much stronger now than I was back then, although I sometimes falter and feel myself get weak, I have to find and seek and look within myself. I guess that’s why I keep to myself these days in the present times. But like a book, I open up to those that take me for who I am and what I’m all about. They say never to judge a book by its cover, although a smile streams across my face at times, sadness is sitting below the surface. I hide things under lock and key a lot of the time, but I am learning day by day. That if you want to make it, make it your way. Seize the day and turn it all around.

Every day of primary school was far from how I envisioned it to be. Still the years passed and all I could hope for was that it would get better, sadly growing older and facing high school I wondered could it be worse than my primary school years? It didn’t same old story just different kids trying to bully me and keep me down in life, but like a caterpillar that transforms into a beautiful butterfly I spread my wings and flew away. High school was no better, and I endured a lot during that time again I would keep to myself often, and I’d cry myself asleep most nights and dreaded the next day, weeks and months ahead. I'm waiting for school holidays to begin, so I could escape the insanity that I would face in day in and day out. As horrible as those times where I grew stronger and became wiser than most people of my age. When you get treated like less than dirt for reasons you were unsure why, you become thick-skinned and almost numb to insults and negativity. I have changed a lot from those days; I changed for what I believe to be the better. Tears ran dry and wounds heal, but yet the ugly memories raise its ugly head from time to time.

Let Time Flow: The Realisation, The Revelation

Time flows by and it seems to go quicker these days. I look back on certain moments of my life some happy, sad and purely heart breaking. I have endured quite a bit and it’s made me have a different outlook on love and life. Bonds that make us and sometimes break us we learn from our mistakes and sometimes it can take a while to value even the smaller things in life. You see the big picture almost like you’ve been viewing it from a crystal ball, you have to look within yourself and find what you truly desire and want in life.

Life is what you make it although challenges that lie ahead we must find a way in order to get through them. We must try and find to make it to the other side unscathed. Sometimes we will get hurt on our travels, some can even be our own doing in regards to the choices we make. But like a butterfly effect, every decision we make paths our ways for all our tomorrows as for our yesterdays we must learn from them. We take on board what is before us; although it can be rough we must walk over the coals of fire and seek what we desire.

When you face a challenge, what do you do? Run away or tackle it head on? As much as I feel like running at times I must face the issues with a heavy heart and focused mind.

The tests of time we can be ever so divine. We find so many splendours on our travels. We come across the darkness and the sadder times too, we can become unglued but we must hold it together. Life and everything in it can be an endeavour; we must leave our marks in the sand forever. We are the stars across the night sky; we are the clear oceans of blue, a pebble in a pond and a shell in a vast ocean. We must become something of devotion with hearts of emotion. With a poets heart and a lovers mind we must take today for what it is before it all goes away.

As I’ve grown older I have come to realise that we change along the way, slight differences of our former selves. There are so many components to us, to our thoughts, dreams, goals, wants and desires. The inner fires that burns a eternal flame that will forever stay the same.

We have to find common ground and sanity in a world where it can be insanity; we try and remain sane yet we always find something or someone to blame. I often search myself for answers that I never seem to get the answers to. I wonder about so many things.

I sit alone and look up at the stars I see them twinkle and shine how I wish I could drag them down and make them mine, the pleasures of life come and go, haunting memories of some never really let go.

I have lost people that I love and I never wanted to say goodbye, my heart stills cry before I sleep at night, I can’t fight the feelings anymore, so I hide them deep within myself behind a door and lock it away and they will burst down the door to run through my mind another day, another time.

I guess I’ve always been somewhat of a dreamer I’ve always planned out what I want out of my life even as a child, but as the old saying goes nothing turns out the way you planned. Now I’m working towards my goals and astonishingly to me I’ve reached some of them, what were ‘dreams’ have now become a reality, just when I thought it would be a fatality and fail, I prevailed.

I went through knockbacks; rejection and I’ve been ignored. But like a wanderer I explored and I pushed on in being devoted with my goals and what I set my sights on and what I set out to do.

Confidence is something I’ve always struggled with and I’ve contemplated many times with ‘ Am I good enough? ‘Is what I am setting out to do good enough?’ I come to the conclusion that if I don’t try I won’t get a result even if I fail, I will try again and next time around I might just win.

I am going for things now, I’m no longer holding back as much as I did. I have to build the courage in order for me to do it, the anxiety and the anxiousness creeps on through but I stumble my way along.

I feel like I’m on a stage and the entire world is looking at me, waiting for me to fail then I tense up not knowing what to do, but eventually I find the way.

I want to make a difference to someone’s day, I want my words to touch the world over. From being a child that felt so sad and lonely due to her school days, I want to erase the days. But it is what it is. Now I start a new. Here comes a different view. A better light.

I will face hurdles and believe me you will too. Mountains are high to climb and swimming in the oceans so deep can get tiring. But we must try in order to get by in order to get somewhere. I learn something new everyday whether it’s about myself or the matters of the world.

We must step back in order to create, in order to plan. Life has its demands but we do what we can with these two idle hands. With a brain and with a heart.

We all have to make a start. If you told me ten years ago or even four or five that I would be an author and co-authored seventeen books as well as released one of my own, I wouldn’t believe you. I have so many things written in note pads that I thought would never see the light of day and yet slowly they’re becoming public. A piece of my soul is on display for the world to know about me.

Now coming from somehow who has always kept herself I am showing you glimpses of my thoughts and life. But I don’t reveal everything about me. I keep some secrets beneath hiding below the surface, but what you see is what you get with me. I am so humbled with the opportunities I have had, I had to fight hard in order to get to this place and time.

I moved forward no matter how many people tried to hold me back, but even today I feel a invisible force holding me back. It’s almost like a force field or a road block that no one can see. Holds me, moulds me into fear and setting me into stone not wanting me to take another step. I am filled with regrets of not taking the chances I should’ve. I have let opportunities pass me by out of fear.

But these days I tend to shake some of that fear away and jump into the unknown. The abyss is what I am staring in. A world I do not know, but I’m not alone. I take the leap of faith. I jump and I feel free. I feel like I can fly and the skies aren’t the limit for me, I can reach for more. I have turned around my life and within myself. They say your body is a temple, but inside your mind is a whole new world and that’s something we need to work on too.

We can be our own harshest critics, the negative voice that speaks to us, that is what holds us back. The ‘You can’t do it’ or the ‘You’re too old’ or ‘You’re not good enough’ whatever that voice is saying, just ignore it. You’re never too old; we mature like fine wine we get better with time.

If I knew years ago what I know now. I would’ve started earlier with my planned thinking, my different change of mind. But sometimes these things need to run a course; it needs to a run a mile. You take everything in and think it over and revaluate certain situations in your life.

Our minds can be filled with garbage and we need to empty out the trash, that’s emptying out the negativity and all the negative words that taunt us, the evil words that hold us back to rising to our full potentials.

***

Rewind The Times

I have reflected a lot about my life lately, looking back as visions fill my mind like watching a home movie. My Nanna passed away when I was around the age of nine and I remember the handful of memories that we shared, my favourite memory was going to the beach and collecting seashells and having the innocence of a child being so happy and excited to show her the shells I picked. So many years rolled by since those simpler times. I still have the shells today. We never shared many moments together but the memories I do with her I will always cherish.

My Grandpa has always been such an inspiration to me, he encouraged me with my writing and believed in me. I watched him fade away before my eyes with cancer and he hung on and fought the long courageous battle for as long as he could, he held on with everything that he had. I have so many memories of my Grandpa. I can never remember him being angry. He was always kind hearted and had time for everyone. He gave to a number of charities and thought about others with love and kindness in his heart and mind, My Grandpa’s name is Vincent and I cannot listen to the song (Starry Starry, Night — (Vincent) about the artist Vincent van Gogh without getting chocked up. Lines throughout the song remind me of him. ‘How you suffered for your sanity’ He suffered so much when he became ill, he lost much of himself and the ones who love him dearly lost so much of him too. It was torturous to me to watch a strong man crumble like a flower that withered away. The line ‘And now I know what you tried to say to me’ I think of the countless hours of wisdom he shared with me growing up and looking back on it now I’m older I understand it so much clearer now. Another part in the song ‘This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you’ will always bring tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. I am proud of my Grandparents Jean and Vincent they’re everything to me and when my time on earth is through I will see them once again, its been so long since they left this earth in their physical form their spirits now roam free like a butterfly in the breeze.

I went for a walk earlier and I saw three butterflies flying around me, I was told my by Nanna when a butterfly flies near an angel from heaven is near to watch you and wish you well. I always smile when I see a butterfly so majestic and magical flying around so safe and sound, in the sun or on a cloudy day they go about their way as I go mine. Memories of times before always flood back to me.

Now let me tell you about another time in my life that will stay with me even if I were to live a million or more lifetimes about my dear mum. My ma (as I call her) passed away on the 19th of January of 2014 on a Sunday in hospital what took her was a stroke. My father and I were right by her side when it happened; a woman of strength the idol of my eyes was gone and slipped away before us. It wasn’t like the movies no soft music playing, no heavenly light shining down we could see, it was just a world of numbness and torment, being so cold and having your heart and a piece of yourself being ripped away. I always thought my mother would live forever, in a way she will in my heart and in my fathers too, but I won’t last forever, but I’d like to think that somehow, someway we will. We shine an everlasting light.

We’ve been here and made our mark, the spark of the spirit that lives within now flies free for all eternity, we can be so much more than we realise, we are tied to what we live in our lives and we’re bound to it forever. Like a flame of a candle we burn bright and ignite the world with radiance and our being. We are blind to so much when we should be seeing. I was 32 years old when I lost her, but I’ll never say goodbye, because to me goodbye is so final. When nothing will end between the ones you love and cherish.

They grow like a garden of flowers that crave the rain, they grow into something so beautiful. Although our bodies die and our hearts stop and our brains stop to function, the soul lives, the spirit roams on free. We are the warriors that run in the night and show ourselves in the day, we give thanks and pray and just wish our worries away, what happens yesterday will stay there what all our tomorrows bring are unknown.

Take on board the love and wisdom that’s shown. Hold onto the finest moments of every hour. The sadness, anger and tears will happen throughout the years and they will be devoured, it will decay. Walk through harder times and hope it will all be okay.

Love today and love tomorrow, carry your sweetest memories and accomplishments with pride. I will always forever in a day miss my ma. She is the sun that shines, the rain that falls and the wind that blows through my hair. I know she is there. Somewhere, somehow I just wish I could see her now, but I will see her through the colours of a beautiful flower, the raindrops that glisten and shine on the trees, the oceans of blue are all the things I love and will think about on how to see her. In another form and a different kind of life.

My father is a rock to me, I’m sure he doesn’t know just how much he means to me. The pillar of strength, his more like my Grandfather in that respect than he realises.

Constant battles through health and his bet all the odds against him, watching how hard it was for him to lose his wife and my dear mum was more than heartbreaking to watch. But somehow we found the strength to carry on, to live day by day with such an emptiness that will never really heal, the empty chair without her there. Birthdays, Christmases and special occasions will never be the same, yet we try and see out the day.

I think of times when she was here with all of us and what she means to me, what she means to us. We never forget the better times but how we want them back, how we wish we could have just a few moments more to say its all been some kind of mistake and watch her walk back through that door, it’s strange I still wait for that but I know it won’t happen anymore.

***

Devoted To Rise

After the passing of my mother, I struggled not just emotionally but physically as well, not really knowing what I wanted to do with myself, I just felt so numb as well as lost.

I dived back into writing. What have always been words in a notebook without a soul to read it, a thought came to mind.

‘I want to launch my writing to the world’ I have written for years on notepads but never really shared it with many people, I kept writing throughout the year of 2014 I had to distract myself anyway that I could to remain sane. I lost so much of myself that year, I didn’t know what was what anymore.

Emotions overflowed and I put a lot into writing, I didn’t overly talk about what I was feeling to friends or family, I kept to myself. It almost seemed like people were walking on eggshells in case I fell into pieces, like little things like grocery shopping felt unbearable any song that reminded me of my mum I’d start to cry, trying anything I could to hide my face so others wouldn’t see me cry, a part of me died.

I wanted to change my outlook; I had to change my frame of mind.

I made a vow to myself to share my words with the world the question was how?

It was always just a dream I never thought I could fulfil.

Months went by and a opportunity arose for me to be apart of a co-authored book and I took it with both hands, there I was in print, my first piece then as time passed I was in more co-authored pieces. I am in 18 books and counting and that’s including my own book called A Rising Moon on Domestic Violence. When I released my own book I was overjoyed, sad, relived. I was having so many emotions rolled into one. To release a book of my very own was a mountain climb of doubt and knockbacks I had a few people believe that I couldn’t do it. I had people scoff and tear me down and made me out to be a sideshow clown. I walked away from those that tried to keep me down in life. They still try behind my back but I walk on and I’m doing it for me, I’m doing it for the ones that want to read about what I write. To the ones that do, I am so grateful and thankful that they’ve given what I write a chance.

My book is available on thousands of online bookstores but my ultimate goal was to get my book on actual shelves and bookstores, so I built the courage and called around bookstores to my surprise each one I called said yes, Now they’re in three bookstores which is mire than I could ever hope for. Eventually I plan to get my book in more and more places.

What was a dream has now come true; it happened to me, it could happen to you too.

Over the years I have had self-doubt and lacked confidence, but now I’ve turned it all around it took so long for me to get to this point. I am reaching people, I am inspiring people ( at least I hope I am ) I have had people tell me that my writing makes a difference to them. I’m glad that it does because what I’ve done makes it all worthwhile. It makes me smile that I pushed on and never gave up. I did what I set myself out to do, I see it all now in a different kind of view.

I’ve come along way. I just wish the ones that I love that are no longer here could see it. To be able to share all that I’ve done with them would be wonderful. I know they would be proud, I want to shout it to the heavens above that I did it!

To the skies to the glowing moon to the sea I did it for you, I did it for me.

I walked on to victory. I have so much more to go. Like the water flows down the riverbank I have the ones I love to thank.

To everyone that shows me support and always has a kind word to share thank you for being there, it does not go unnoticed.

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