The Happiness Myth

What exactly is happiness? According to Merriam Webster’s Dictionary, it is “A state of well-being and contentment”. However, this is a vague and shallow description for something that consumes the lives of most people. No matter where you go, what you do, or who you talk to, you will inevitably reach the conclusion that all of humanity is searching for happiness. Some people look for it in a partner, others in their career, and still others unfortunately from addictive substances. After years of social and individual observations, I have come to see an awakening in the pursuit of a self-love movement. I have found that this has become a battle cry for people in vastly different life stages and it doesn’t seem to be dying down.

“You are the answer.” “Follow your heart.” “Love yourself first.”

These are only some of the messages that the world seems to scream at us everyday. My controversial and widely unpopular opinion is this: Focusing on loving yourself is NOT the way to a happy and fulfilling life. In fact, I believe that true happiness is closer to being attained in the encouragement of others and the self-sacrifices we can make on a daily basis. Happiness is a choice to make, not a goal to pursue.

Pushover.

Unfortunately, this is probably the word that comes to the minds of most people at the idea of a person who gives up what he or she wants for the benefit and enjoyment of others. I think it is safe to say that everyone at some point in their lives has known (Or perhaps been) someone that would be characterized as a “pushover”. Never standing up for themselves, saying yes because they are too afraid to say no, and being extremely susceptible to peer pressure. However, there will be a noticeable difference in the reactions of these two mindsets. It is the difference between offering up your time to help someone with a difficult subject and just giving away the answers because you were pressured to. The difference between offering your time and car to drive to a different activity instead of going along to a party because that is what “everyone else” is doing. It is okay and entirely possible to be kind and continue to stand for what you believe in.

I do, however, want to offer a word of caution against over correcting this aforementioned misconception. While being a pushover is not good either, my main topic of discussion is the need for steering away from the “self-love” mentality. Which is the idea that it is okay to do whatever you need to do, to get in a mental state that is acceptable to you. Regardless of what that means for your relationships with those around you.

"I just want to be happy, doesn't everyone?"

This is an argument that is used way too often to justify the hurtful and harmful things that we do to others. I hate to break it to you, but your pursuit for happiness will only lead you to the realization that you are missing more than you thought. By paying attention to others, by broadening your horizons to more than just your wants, thoughts, and desires, your lives will be filled with so much more meaning. Making these decisions in the moment are difficult, but so much more beneficial in the long run. Who knows? Maybe the jock in that one class has parents going through a divorce and no one to talk to. You could really have an opportunity to make a difference in their life. Or perhaps the friends wanting to go out drinking and partying have never had someone question their choices and could benefit from a more stable influence. Making a difference in other’s lives for the better is something that will have long lasting effects, but it is so easy for us to miss what might be wrong by focusing on ourselves.

We might be able to make ourselves happier for a little bit, but it is only a matter of time before we become dissatisfied with our circumstances. Perhaps we aren’t quite as happy as that one girl on Instagram seems. Or maybe if we think we will be satisfied if we could only find that one person that will make us feel completed. This is not only an exhausting way to live for ourselves, it is exhausting for the people around you as well. Your friends might be walking on eggshells, not ever wanting to disagree about anything for fear of being labeled as a “toxic” person. There will absolutely be people in your life that don’t have your best interest at heart. People who are looking to live their best life now, which unfortunately doesn't always include other’s physical and mental well being. Have you ever considered the possibility that while you are striving to reach some unattainable, Utopian happiness, your family and friends might be suffering in ways in which you could help? By ignoring and cutting out all things that make us unhappy in our lives, we are numbing ourselves to what real happiness is. How is a free person to know and appreciate what freedom is if they have never been imprisoned and refuse to talk, read, or hear about anyone who was/is? They can’t, they have no idea what the concept of freedom truly is, because it is all they have known. They have nothing to compare it to. By opening our hearts and minds to the people we interact with, our idea of what happiness is will change. Happiness becomes a choice. A conscious decision to be content and find the silver lining in an unpleasant situation. Happiness is not just this mushy-gushy feeling of pleasure at being loved and appreciated. It might be more the joy in seeing the smile on that student’s face when they finally understand the concept you have been working on for weeks. Or the catching the glint of tears of joy on a wife’s face when her husband has reached 3 months sober, after dedicating hours to rehab and counseling. While sacrificing your time, money, and energy might not always pay off in the other person changing for the better, the takeaway is that you have become a better person regardless. You are a little bit more sensitive to the needs of others than you were before you helped them. You have made a difference in somebody's life, whether it be the person you were helping or people who witnessed what you were doing and were inspired to change their own way of living. You have learned to choose to be happy in difficult circumstances, instead of looking for something to make you happy.

It is true, we will not always be able to see the fulfillment of our actions, but someday, somebody will. One small act might seem inconsequential, but if you think about the amount of people that one individual interacts with during the day and imagine that every one of them decided to treat others as if they were more important than themselves, those “small” sacrifices would snowball to equal a momentous difference in the life of each person. To give some perspective, if each person were to walk around each day, demanding that everyone treat them with the respect and appreciation that they feel they deserve, everyone would be unhappy! It is a never ending cycle of frustration and disappointment with the relationships that we try to build. We become mentally isolated and hardened to criticism. It becomes more and more difficult for us to hear things about us that might not be so flattering, which in turn isolates us even more. Don’t get me wrong, this is an extremely hard thing to do and it requires courage. You have to be willing to actively give up something that you might have been working really hard for, maybe for someone that you feel doesn’t deserve it. These decisions might not make you happy in the traditional sense of the word, but they will in a way that is so much deeper and long-lasting. So if you notice that someone has gone out of their way to do something for you, be sure to thank them. It could be a lot harder for them than they are letting on. I encourage you not to stop there, but to continue the chain and show the same kindness to the people in your life. In conclusion, you will never be happy if you are trying to make yourself happy. You will only feel real joy when you are making a difference in the lives of those around you and when you choose to be happy no matter what is going on in your life.

In short, true happiness is found the minute you stop looking for it in yourself and decide to start living it for others.