healing
How to heal fully and properly.
Opening The Blinds
How old are you? I ask myself, as I stare in the mirror, in ironic surprise, with my mouth wide open and hand on my cheek. I mutter I can't believe that I lived this long! I can’t believe that my children are as old as they are. Time flies. I laugh at myself as, I find myself calling my older sister who is 11 months my senior and asking her how old she is, and she, in turn, begins to laugh, saying, I truly stopped counting, until someone reminds me. Like you. We calculate and both say, Nooo! that can’t be! It even gets funnier, when My stubbornness to accept reality, leads me to call my mother. Every time, she lovingly scolds me by letting out a shame on you sigh and saying, “ooh”, you should know how old you are. My goodness, you know you are catching up to me." It opens the heavy blinds that were darkening my perception of the blessings of growing older, and it allows me to exhale and tease my mom back, while admiring how she remains ever young. The contagious laughter allows the light to come in. And that’s peace for me. Believe it or not, as I journeyed through my life I have come to realize starting around the age of 40, that I shut out the thought of aging, which began my moments of amnesia. While in all actuality what was going on with me was that I purposefully closed my ears and eyes to the confirmation of my increasing age. Why? What caused me to have certain years of regret or years of denying my birthday to come. Time? Yes, time. Time flies!
By Chandra Davis5 years ago in Motivation
Not Your Typical New Year's Resolutions
What do you think of when you hear the words 'New year's resolution'? My mind wanders to the ones that people around us talk about the most; improving diets, getting in shape, or shiny new budget plans to save more. I think of some friends' plans to redecorate their living rooms and others courageously sharing how they'll be going back to college to chase a dream that was once upon a time thought to be unattainable. And while all of those are perfectly sound aspirations to have at the beginning of a new year, I cannot help but feel like something's missing. It's like a jigsaw puzzle that's so close to being finished only for you to find out that the last piece is misplaced. In this case the missing piece would be self acceptance.
By Rabeea5 years ago in Motivation
Never Cage a Butterfly
I was never one to stick with New Year’s resolutions. They play out the same every year: a motivating boost of energy which fades away like the tip of an eraser in early January, correcting the continuous mistakes of writing the previous year on paper. Interestingly enough, that is a perfect example of making or breaking a habit: using the same four numbers over and over to signify at what point we exist in time and then, all of a sudden, the year changes. The four-number sequence that you knew as the present is now a part of the past, so you break a year-long habit of writing “2020”, and start fresh writing “2021”.
By Christian McSweeney5 years ago in Motivation
“New Year, New me.”..Again.
“What are your New Years resolutions?” My mom asked. I sighed, and gracelessly shoved another generous mound of spaghetti into my mouth. We were video chatting on Facebook Messenger, a roughly weekly routine we established after I moved back out of her house earlier this year. I hadn’t lived at home since I was 17, but the pandemic destroyed me.
By Crystal Rogan5 years ago in Motivation
2021: New Hope in a New World
Each new year, many of us wake up on the first day thinking that the coming year will be different. There are new plans that we call resolutions. There is new hope. There is a new zest for change. There is a sense that things will be better.
By Chris Hearn5 years ago in Motivation
Climbing Out of Hell
It has been almost four years that I have been sick without a solution. Gastroparesis is a bitch to live with but it was even worse not knowing what it was for so long. Four years ago, I was very, very heavy, weighing about 350 pounds, I now fluctuate between 230 and 260, dependent on flare ups. And it all started with what I thought was just a bad case of the flu. I was in the hospital for a week, so dehydrated and nauseated I was delirious.
By Tanya Gula5 years ago in Motivation
If New Knew New
Here we are , 2021. It seemed so far away on Saturday mornings, as I was watching, The Jefferson's eating my cereal with my brother. The days of innocence and peace. When the only worries I had was cleaning my room before I hear my mother yell from the kitchen to do so.
By Thanh Vuong5 years ago in Motivation
MY EX-LOVER FEAR
How could the thing you loved to do, the thing you could not help yourself from doing constantly daily, as a necessity, as a hobby, as your life dream and goal, suddenly, you couldn't bring yourself to do it whatsoever. Is it because of all the endless letters I wrote my ex-husband in jail. Sometimes 3,4,5. letters a day. I remember when I stopped. It didn’t feel like a completion. It felt more like Jayz, you know like” I was gonna get right back”. (smh) It has been ten years now, and this is the first thing I’m writing. (hmm) I don’t know if its because he was able to get phone usage consistently and we can hear each other’s voice, so there was no need to write, right. (lol) Great fkn excuse huh. How the fk did make it ok to not write for 10 years and blame it on my ex-husbands phone privilege. I call BS on that shit. I say its fear. It was fear that allowed me to not write for 10 years and I see that now. We can give anything a reason make it all sound good and shit, collect false data, and conduct bias forums of our peers or (“friends and followers”) to reassure us in our confirmation with validation for our unnecessary bs. Who is “we” right? (misery loves company) I thought we were talking about me (hmm deflective ass self) (smh). That’s it right there. Defectiveness the deceitfulness of it all. Lying to ones self on such a large scale, manifesting unwanted situations in grandeur to keep one occupied all to avoid that fear. You see its like running and standing still all at the same time. What is this fear that would allow me to attach my thing, my skill, my joy, my peace, my therapy, my hobby, my outlet, my life, my purpose? Am I running from my purpose? (wtm) Maybe I attached my gift to something that gave me so much sorrow, so I decided to put it down. Maybe I was so overwhelmed with the adventures of my own personal life, (should’ve made for great material) that I couldn’t take the time like had invested in the 3,4,5, letter days of the past. Or maybe I was afraid of what I might write. Where it may take me and what it may make me do. The decisions my writing will cause me to make. 10 years. I did not even know it was ten years, till just now when I had to count to put it down here. A whole decade of my silent conversations, thoughts feelings, epiphanies, visions, dreams joy, pain I carried it all. (weed became my journal with so many words, only inside my head) Why not put the words down, get them out, face them. What was I so afraid of? Maybe the truth was in the words the writing. It would paint the picture I was trying to avoid, showing me what I did not want to see. Exposing the lie I was telling myself to keep my real future (future or purpose?) at bay. Holding on the toxicity that had become my life. Which I had grown so accustom to, so familiar with. I had come to a place of mastering the bs, making it make sense in my land of lies and self-deceit. Becoming the fox and calling the truth of my life sour and convincing myself I never wanted it anyway. (interesting) How could I not, I knew not what it was I was casting away, running from, denying myself. Just knew it was so big so huge that it created such fear, that I created a whole world just to keep me from obtaining this great thing. This thing that I am so fearful of losing, or failing, or being disappointed, of this power I have yet to know. (hmm power you called it). It feels so powerful, so forceful yet tranquil an easy like a flow. Like a silent tsunami of unseen passion rushing, coming with an abundance of love, and what appears to be no more patience, no more strength to keep it held down. It has to be released, it is not a choice or an option, the damn has been broken by force, an here are the floodgates. Like a passionate fire, doing a dance of seduction, submission, passion, and battle all at the same time. Running from an invisible fire that only I can see, (then, it’s not invisible) only I can feel. Only I can know how it calls, me haunts me chases me, yells out for me to stop the shit already. As I pretend to be a victim of my circumstances for fear of change. So, here we are, we sit, and we write. (about time?) Maybe, this was always my master plan unknown to myself. Maybe I set it up this way in my past life. Maybe like Frida I was living out my adventures so I can write in truth (so, no fiction?) I write this on this great day. 2/2/2021. (9?) I start fresh. I start over. I move forward. Confidently unsure for what the future holds. Proving I am not psy after all. I can do this. (you got some gangsta in you, lol) I can do most things. I have learned that. Once I make the decision to do so. Is this really it. Has my superpower been activated and I have to go out and fine my tribe? (will they find me). I all feels so great as I sit here tapping away at this laptop. It feels so larger than myself. Like the largest, loudest, craziest, silent blast of what is to come. Not just in me writing again, but just in life. It’s something about facing fears that sends walls all around you, your whole surroundings crashing down (less crash more like a slow glide) exposing all the different paths to take and options that abound (ignorance can be bliss, or redundant) It’s, like Alice in Wonderland when she ate the cookie (but more like Empress in Paradigm who smoked a spliff) now that fear is no longer there to lean on, to stand on, sit on, lay down on, eat on, sleep on, get busy on, chill with, fck with, smoke with, cry with, laugh with,( you were in a relationship with fear, that’s why you aint got no man now)(lmfao) (smh). Fear was what crutch, my confidant, my companion. my protection, my excuses, my reasons why not to do anything/everything. My procrastinations, my depression, my stagnation. My poverty, my loneliness my sadness my disappointment my ego, my struggles, my pain, my laughter, my tears. So many tears over the last ten years. Tears to fill the Nile river (you could renew irrigation in that area again). I can remember when I came out of myself (like the ghost of Christmas past came for me on a tour) I saw myself, busy as hell, running around and taking care of everything and everyone, but shit was not getting done in my life, in my world. I was not getting done in my world. (literally my husband was doing a bid 15 to life lol … smh) That was me running and standing still. Keeping myself occupied so I would not have to work on my goals and dreams always too busy. As soon as I take care of this for this one, or that one, (just never this one) and I was great at it. I would rise to the occasion and conquer obstacles (for the people, they loved it). I felt special, (used but special) and reigned triumphant for them, over and over again. These great accomplishments and feats, yet I was not fulfilled (well it was not for you, it was for them, you just did all the work). I have come to learn, not to do things with the expectation of another. Have an expectation of yourself, that way only you can disappoint you (it still hurts like hell) and you will not have to play the victim (a skill I have mastered) So we write, we begin today. We release all that has been within, withheld, confined, and we step into our new self, our new path. Still unsure, unaware of what’s to come, but determined to keep going anyway. It appears lonely this new journey (that’s because of the paradigm shift.) I was always lonely even in the rooms I tried to keep too crowed to notice (I always noticed). I go forward with no expectation other then challenging myself to be authentic to me. Activate my superpowers for me, move forward with me. Oh fear, oh ex-lover of mine. You come to pay me visits from time to time. I chase you away then grieve over your absence, because you have taken with you all your excuses which I come to rely on so much for my day-to-day procrastination and Stagnations and idleness. I realize. It was all about me, all about right now. Starting fresh and moving forward without fear and the clarity of knowing it will not be clear till its all over, and that’s ok. I know that now.
By HIGHPRIESTESS5 years ago in Motivation
Bruised and Battered: Strength and Resilience
I was bruised and beaten, cuddled in the corner of my boyfriend’s dorm listening to his frightening screams pointing at all the things I had done wrong. I didn’t always do “wrong”, but to him, everything I did was wrong. Everything was unacceptable. On numberless nights, he laid his hands on my body, my “precious body”, as my mother called it. Her precious daughter’s body was now a place where he had his way with, and did whatever he pleased with it. And I allowed it. I would attempt to find a new guy who I thought was better, but would be proven wrong shortly after. I did this several times, but it wasn’t better. It was always me versus them and they always won.
By Alicia Thomas5 years ago in Motivation
Getting Out of My Own Way
New year, new me. How many times have I embraced some form or another of this phrase throughout the years? Every January feels like a new start, a fresh blank page in the notebook of life. Like clockwork, I take the proverbial pen to paper and begin writing my story anew, convinced it will all be different this year. But, like clockwork, I accidentally smudge the ink before I have gotten a few sentences deep into my new story. I forget the words I was so sure I would use to create my new reality. I am hit by a form of writer’s block that puts schoolwork procrastination to shame.
By Gina Ruiz5 years ago in Motivation
Connecting the Dots
Twenty-Twenty was a year for the record books, and I wanted a fresh start, so I put myself on a limited social media diet, committed to a green detox, and a renewed commitment to staying in shape. Everything was going well. We held on to our food shop, and I worked on a new plan for the business. Given the circumstances, the first three weeks of January went well, so what happened?
By Emunah Y'srael5 years ago in Motivation
