It has been almost four years that I have been sick without a solution. Gastroparesis is a bitch to live with but it was even worse not knowing what it was for so long. Four years ago, I was very, very heavy, weighing about 350 pounds, I now fluctuate between 230 and 260, dependent on flare ups. And it all started with what I thought was just a bad case of the flu. I was in the hospital for a week, so dehydrated and nauseated I was delirious.
I apparently laid in the hospital bed covered with 5 warm blankets at a time and an ice pack over my eyes. I only murmured answers and only moved to go to the bathroom. My blood pressure was slow low, when I stood up from the toilet I passed out, on three different occasions while in the hospital. There was a barrage of tests and no answers. When I started to recover, I was told it was viral and I should continue to get better.
What the actual…?
I was on death’s door and it was the flu? I had doubts, my dysfunctional gut gave me the feeling the doctors had no flipping clue what was wrong with me and just threw some big medical words at me to make me shut up and get out. I am not an idiot.
I did not get better; well, I guess that is a lie. I did get better, but then got worse, then better, then worse. The vicious cycle continues. But at least now, I have the answer to what has made me go days without eating, spend days in the hospital, racking up huge bills, and forced me to share my illness with so many others that it affects their lives. By share, I mean, be a burden to them, so much so, that I have watched them suffer and age right along with me.
My poor husband has been my rock, my savior, and my caretaker. He makes sure I eat at least once a day, he makes sure I am drinking enough to keep myself hydrated and he forces me to go to the hospital/doctor when I absolutely need to, because I am a stubborn asshole. I sometimes feel as though gastroparesis will be the death of me, one way or another. I feel like I am slowly dying.
Even the devil takes a day off occasionally.
This revelation has led me to my resolution. I want to start the process for a gastric bypass. You see, Gastroparesis is caused by diabetes. My diabetes was out of control, I did this shit to myself basically. Well, maybe not, I am a second-generation Agent Orange sufferer, so perhaps, it was passed on to me by my dad. My poor daddy, he deserved so much more than what he was dealt. I digress, so the gastric bypass will eliminate my diabetes, will help me continue to lose weight the healthy way, and will bypass the part of my stomach that is affected. My appointment is coming up soon. Yet, this is not the resolution.
I want to make my husband’s life better. I want to ease the burden I have been for the last few years, for what feels like an eternity and I am sure it feels like that for him as well. I want to see the light back in his eyes and the joy back in his face. Now all I see is worry and pity; it makes my heart sink to my malfunctioning stomach. I want to be the wife he deserves. It is not about weight loss; it is about being healthy and living my life to the fullest with the man of my dreams. I need him like I need oxygen and I know it is mutual. I want that for us for as long as I can. I do not think that is too much to ask. Now, it is time to put on my big girl panties and stop feeling sorry for myself. My resolution: to climb out of this hell and to start living again.
Not today Satan, not today.
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The Power Within the Mind
In the quiet town of Riverbend lived a young man named Adam who believed his greatest enemy lived inside his own head. From the outside, his life looked ordinary—he worked at a small printing shop, greeted customers politely, and returned each evening to a modest apartment overlooking the river. But inside Adam’s mind, there was constant noise: worries about the future, regrets about the past, and a steady stream of negative thoughts that told him he was never good enough. Adam’s thoughts controlled his emotions, and his emotions controlled his actions. When he thought he would fail, he avoided trying. When he imagined rejection, he withdrew from people. Slowly, his world became smaller—not because of circumstances, but because of the thoughts he allowed to rule him. One rainy afternoon, while delivering a stack of printed flyers, Adam took shelter in an old bookstore he had passed many times but never entered. The bell above the door chimed softly as he stepped inside. The smell of aged paper and ink filled the air, strangely comforting. Behind the counter sat an elderly man with calm eyes and silver hair, reading as though time itself had paused. “Looking for something?” the man asked gently. “I’m just waiting for the rain to stop,” Adam replied. The old man smiled. “Sometimes we walk into places for reasons we don’t yet understand.” Adam wandered through the narrow aisles until one book caught his attention. Its cover was plain, with a single line written across it: You Are Not Your Thoughts. Curious, Adam brought it to the counter. “That one finds the reader,” the old man said. “Not the other way around.” Adam hesitated. “What does that even mean?” “It means thoughts are like clouds,” the man replied. “They pass through the sky of your mind, but they are not the sky.” Adam bought the book and left as the rain eased. That night, he opened it expecting complex theories, but the writing was simple and clear. It spoke about awareness, about observing thoughts instead of obeying them, and about the hidden power that comes from choosing where to place attention. One line struck him deeply: You cannot always control what appears in your mind, but you can control what you believe and act upon. The next morning, Adam decided to experiment. As he prepared for work, a familiar thought appeared: You’ll mess up today. Normally, he would accept it as truth. This time, he paused. “That’s just a thought,” he said quietly. It felt strange, almost uncomfortable, but also freeing. The thought lost some of its weight. At work, when a customer complained, Adam noticed his mind shouting, You’re useless. Instead of reacting, he took a breath and watched the thought pass. He responded calmly, solved the issue, and realized something remarkable—his day didn’t collapse because he didn’t let his thoughts control his actions. Days turned into weeks, and Adam practiced daily. Not perfectly—some days the old patterns returned strongly—but he was learning. He began to understand that the mind was like a wild horse. If left unchecked, it would run anywhere. But with patience and practice, it could be guided. One evening, Adam returned to the bookstore to thank the old man, but the shop was gone. In its place stood an empty building with a “For Rent” sign. Confused, Adam asked a nearby shopkeeper. “That bookstore?” the shopkeeper said. “Closed years ago.” Adam felt a chill, but instead of fear, he felt clarity. The lesson mattered more than the messenger. As Adam’s control over his thoughts grew, so did his life. He applied for a better position at work—something he would have never dared before. When fear whispered, You’re not ready, he answered, I can learn. When doubt said, You’ll fail, he replied, Maybe—but I’ll try. He didn’t eliminate negative thoughts; he changed his relationship with them. They became signals, not commands. Adam also noticed how his thoughts shaped his relationships. When he assumed others judged him, he acted distant, which pushed people away. When he chose thoughts of openness and curiosity instead, connections formed naturally. His world expanded again. One day, Adam met a young boy sitting alone by the river, staring into the water with heavy eyes. “What are you thinking about?” Adam asked. The boy shrugged. “That I’m not smart. My teacher said I’m slow.” Adam sat beside him. “Thoughts can lie,” he said gently. “Just because a thought shows up doesn’t mean it’s true.” The boy looked up, surprised. “Really?” “Really,” Adam said, smiling. As the sun set, Adam realized how far he had come. The power he once searched for outside—confidence, peace, control—had always been within him. It was hidden behind layers of unchecked thoughts, waiting to be discovered. He understood now that controlling thoughts didn’t mean fighting them or forcing positivity. It meant awareness. Choice. Direction. And in that quiet awareness, Adam found freedom—not from thoughts, but from being ruled by them. From that day on, whenever life felt heavy, Adam returned to one simple truth: I am the thinker, not the thought. And that made all the difference.
By The best writer 6 days ago in Motivation
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