If New Knew New

Here we are , 2021. It seemed so far away on Saturday mornings, as I was watching, The Jefferson's eating my cereal with my brother. The days of innocence and peace. When the only worries I had was cleaning my room before I hear my mother yell from the kitchen to do so.

Thirty eight years later, I'm doing the same with my children. I have two girls , seventeen about to go to college and a thirteen year old trying to find herself in the midst of this chaotic pandemic going on. I also became a mother during this pandemic. While the world was changing , I was also finding my self.

After two divorces , one physical abuse, the other mental abuse. I started 2020 divorced and had moved into an apartment with my two teen daughters. What a fresh start, I could find myself again, my girls were old enough to care for themselves. All three of us finding out who we really are. It was like having two room mates living there for free . When everything was perfect and I felt like I could take on this world. The world was silenced and closed off with COVID-19. My luck.

The girls were homeschooled and I was not able to find a job due to the lockdown. We had nothing but each other and the media telling us otherwise. I didn't pay attention to it too much. Our days were filled with Fornite and a lot of trips to the grocery stores and cooking. Things that we wouldn't have been doing if the lockdown didn't happen. People stopped calling, people stopped coming by and some were affected by the pandemic itself.

During this time of silence, I was able to find laughter and love and peace and most of all self love. Mental abuse is so much harder than physical abuse to recover from. You get lost in your own mind. You become this person you have been portrayed to be. There's no scars or bruises to show the pain inflicted. It's all in your mind. To be set free from this, was also as traumatic as still being in that relationship. I really didn't know who I was anymore. I had no friends left. I had nobody but my children that brought that joy I once had. I remembered what happiness was truly was, what love really meant. I had forgotten what I was capable of , I forgot me.

To some and most 2020 was a year of trials and a year of chaos. For me, it was a year of peace in my mind. The world had stopped and the world was quiet as everyone was locked in. Even though I lost my job , I was still able to provide with the pandemic economic resources. Sure it wasn't easy and frustrating but I was able to focus on what matters most. Myself. I was able to heal while the world was quiet. I was able to bond with my girls to see that I did raise some beautiful kind girls. I was reminded of the mother that I am.

It took a complete stranger, a stranger on a dating site, that I decided to try since there really was no other way to go out. It took this stranger to see me as me. He saw me for who I am, not who I was or who I was constantly told was worthless. He saw my worth and he challenged me on my capabilities. He loved me for all my flaws and took the time to understand the healing process of mental abuse. A complete stranger found me , the me that was lost in all this pain. We now have a son together during his pandemic, we didn't even get an easy pregnancy. The challenges we faced, I for once wasn't by myself. Our son was diagnosed with Situs Inversus Totalis. Long story short it happens to 1 in 100,000. Yet he has no medical problems. During this whole year, I have learned to trust, family first and self love. A time will come when money is worthless, success will be worthless, position will be worthless, Only love will remain the true value of all time.