Not Your Typical New Year's Resolutions

What do you think of when you hear the words 'New year's resolution'? My mind wanders to the ones that people around us talk about the most; improving diets, getting in shape, or shiny new budget plans to save more. I think of some friends' plans to redecorate their living rooms and others courageously sharing how they'll be going back to college to chase a dream that was once upon a time thought to be unattainable. And while all of those are perfectly sound aspirations to have at the beginning of a new year, I cannot help but feel like something's missing. It's like a jigsaw puzzle that's so close to being finished only for you to find out that the last piece is misplaced. In this case the missing piece would be self acceptance.

It's funny how we never really chat about the resolutions that might be even more important, mental health resolutions. Has anyone ever heard of those? I for one have honestly never had anyone I know excitedly ramble about how she'll put more emphasis on self-care or how he wants to develop higher self-esteem as a new year's resolution. But I want to hear more about them. I desperately want it to be normalized and become something that's much higher on the priority list going forward. Which is why I want to share my personal new year's resolution list, the list you didn't know you needed for a healthy mind right from the start of 2021.

Let it go (you are not what happened to you)

Mistakes are part of life, they're what make us fundamentally human, and without a shadow of doubt we need to make those mistakes in order to grow, to evolve and ultimately become better people for ourselves, our loved ones and society as a whole. But sometimes we latch on to certain things from the past, things we should have or shouldn't have done, things we wished we could change, and we internalize it a little too much. We overthink it and use it as some sort of shame ritual and we start defining ourselves by awful life events like couch surfing because your parents kicked you out or dropping out of college even though you thought you had it all figured out.

Some people even immerse themselves fully into their traumatic experiences thinking, perhaps, that's what makes them interesting. It makes you real, it makes you raw but it is not the reason you have a personality, it is not your essence and you are more than what your trauma did to you. Experiences, even little moments can have a huge impact on how we remember our lives, and they can lead to people labeling whole chapters of their lives by what happened to them during that time. For example, a lot of people who were bullied only remember that part of their childhood, or domestic abuse survivors label their whole married life as their survival journeys. You start focusing on what went wrong and your inevitable flaws so much that you start defining yourself by the very things you hated.

We are so much more than our pain and suffering. When you've grieved for both the past that you had and the unlived alternate reality that you should have had you will start to feel enlightened. Make peace with the life you never had, mourn for the moments you expected, the unreceived love that you deserved at the time so you can stop writing the narrative of your story to be unavoidably tragic. Forgive yourself for not knowing any better and love all your former incarnations.

Take steps to heal so you can learn how to smile again. Sometimes our pain is all we have but just because its familiar doesn't mean it's safe. We can break the negative spirals with positive reinforcement. We can stop walking around repeating this vicious circle and self-fulfilling prophecy. When is the last time you said, ‘what if it goes wrong?’, not too long ago I’m guessing. Start this year with a deep breath saying, ‘what if it goes well, what if everything finds a way of working out?’

Keep your inner child as safe as you would any child

Remember that time you lost track of the time and were late to pick up your kid from school or forgot the stroller in the shopping mall only to go sprinting back for it. What if I told you to picture that there is a childlike version of yourself that you've forgotten about? I want you to picture it in your head for a minute, a child, giant sad eyes, hopeful that one day you will realize that you made a mistake leaving them behind in an orphanage. Abandoning what used to be the most intimate parts of you that were the key that could lead to real moments of peace and contentment. Everybody loses touch with their inner child from time to time, but we can always find our way back and they will always be waiting for us. This is a gentle reminder for you to please pick up your inner child from the universe's orphanage.

Sometimes we get triggered by things we don't understand. It could be anything and it can be different for everyone. Plagued with feelings of guilt and shame from situations that we barely had any control over still swimming in our heads as we lay under the covers. Sometimes anger is just grief wearing a disguise we don’t recognize. Staying in tune with your inner child can help you heal any trauma from the past and bring you back to the present. The first step would be to acknowledge it's there and to embark onto what could be the most significant quest of self-discovery. Identifying the triggers and what strong emotions they bring about is only going to free you. Let it hurt, see the psychological turbulence, and then calmly release it. You can only empower yourself by putting the emotional torment to rest.

Self-care is not selfish. It is a crucial part of a person's well-being; your needs are more than basic; once you have food and shelter you need more to keep yourself happy. You’re not meant to bottle up how you feel, or have a permanent stiff upper lip, or man up. All of those will only add to the issues. And it's not just me saying that, it's actually science! Chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, or endorphin are needed daily for a healthy functioning brain. There's what you need to survive and then there's what you need to live and actually enjoy life. Take the time to focus on what makes you happy whether that be going for a run with your dog, treating yourself to that delicious takeout you've been craving, meditating, sunbathing or watching a comedy all snuggled up on your couch. Do whatever makes you smile and do everything necessary to keep that smile on your face.

Show up for yourself, no matter how scary it is

You are going to meet a lot of people in life, you are going to have an incredible amount of social interactions-even more when you consider the ones through social media- and at some point, probably very early on, you're going to realize that not everyone likes you. And that you won't like everyone either. Some for one reason or the other, maybe they're toxic at work or maybe they're always borrowing money and never making any attempt to return it or maybe they're too messy, rude or simply that you don't have anything in common. Either way it doesn't matter, you don't have to welcome everyone into your space. It's okay to want to protect your space, if anything it is a primal instinct when you sense that dangerous energy vampires are in close proximity. Stop telling yourself that being a good person is being a biddable, passive submissive servant. This is the year you’re finally going to be unapologetic about demanding the bare minimum, which is decency and respect. Stop tolerating bad treatment because it's easier to stay quiet than to cause a fuss.

It is absolutely reasonable and possible for you to set boundaries especially with the people you love if they think it’s okay to treat you like a doormat. Forcing yourself to be emotionally available in a situation where you don't have that mental space will do great damage to your psyche. You are teaching yourself that everyone else comes first and that your needs are simply not important. Validate your emotions and be there for yourself. Literally all you have to do is show up for yourself. Not everyone will appreciate it and everyone will have a different version of you in their heads, some wildly far from the truth and some closer to varying degrees. But the only one that matters is the one you see in the mirror.

You can love from a distance, you can forgive and not keep in contact, you choose what space you need and none of it will equate to you being a bad person. Give yourself permission to be yourself, listen to what your mind and body is signaling to you and don't be so quick to brush off your gut feelings. They are there for a reason, warning you of things your eyes and ears haven’t noticed yet. Energy is contagious, it can be positive or negative, if you do not shield yourself you will absorb everything they project into your inner sanctum. You get to choose who gets to enjoy your presence, something that’s really stuck with me is “if you drink from every cup handed to you that is the easiest way to be poisoned.” Trust in your voice when you speak up and defend yourself, your inner child can hear you protecting them, and they will thank you for it.

Strive for progress not perfection

The truth is there is no such thing as perfection. There is no winning the game called life. There is no magical age where you reach the height of maturity or the pinnacle of wisdom. It's just not real. We're travelling through an exponential learning curve, and in case you didn't know, exponential curves go on forever.

There will constantly be stages in your life that will bring forth new situations, unfamiliar experiences, and ultimately unexplored lessons. You cannot expect yourself to know everything from the first breath of air you inhale the second your umbilical cord is cut from you. You gradually learn from your experiences.

If you have this flawless image in your head you've already set yourself up for disappointment because it simply doesn't exist. There is no perfect person. Allow yourself the time to grow and learn and know that some days will be good, and some will be bad and that is perfectly normal. We don't live in some Instagram feed reality where everyone is always smiling, on vacation and learning new hobbies that they're instantly good at. People post the joyful, 'perfect' moments of their lives, but no one is there to witness the messy, vulnerable behind the scenes.

Healing, improving oneself and expanding your consciousness has no end. It's really that straightforward. We can look at that with an overwhelming sense of either panic or relief. The way we feel safe yet minuscule in front of a night sky full of shooting stars or waves breaking on the shore. Even the most intimidating waves can end up barely reaching your toes on the beach. How many of us obsessively picked up new hobbies during lock-down only to experience shattering burnout only a few days in. I'm sure many of us were beating ourselves up over not having a successful online business overnight, an incredible glow up transformation and a weighty novel sitting on our bedside table ready to submit for publication. We are terrified that 2020 provided us with the opportunity, and we did nothing with it. That it was just a lack of discipline or some other personal failing after all, let me remind you to be kind to yourself. Make that your mantra, to be kind to your mind, small progress is still progress. We have gone through the biggest collective trauma of our time, give yourself a well-deserved break and stop putting yourself down for not being where you pressured yourself to be. Some days it takes effort to do and some days it takes effort to be, you are a human being not human doing after all.

Accepting this does not mean accepting defeat and does not make you weak. True bravery is knowing that this is the reality of life and to keep on counting the blessings and appreciating the little things that make all the difference. There is beauty in that open ended journey to our higher selves. How we see it is our choice, this could be the year your perspective changes.

Let the opportunities come your way and watch yourself bloom

Have you ever had someone compliment you only for you to brush it off and fight the overwhelming need to disappear? It could have been someone saying the cupcakes you made for a school bake sale were super appetizing or that the hat you knitted looked warm and cozy and you, in response, had an internal panic attack and the urge to run away. Sometimes we are the ones in our way. Why is it so embarrassing to let ourselves be the topic of a conversation? We’re so used to our impostor syndromes that we see nothing wrong with it, you can’t see the red flags when you wear rose tinted glasses. You have been constantly criticizing yourself and making yourself feel worthless and inadequate, you have nothing to lose. Give believing in yourself a shot and watch the transformation unfold.

In 2021 it’s time to give yourself credit for the amazing things you do. Stop every once in a while, and be conscious of how far you've come, how much progress you've made and breathe in that moment, savor it because that is what your hard work and perseverance tastes like. Glow in your proudest moments, that first joke you crack in that foreign language you learned, that song that took a few sleepless nights of practice to get right, your first pay slip or the breakthrough your therapist said you made. Prepare nourishing dishes, fall asleep listening to your favorite soundtracks, journal your feelings daily and have baths with lots and lots of bubbles. Let yourself be absolutely terrible at all the new things you try until you’re not. Take a break every once in a while, and just close your mental tabs. Your rest is as urgent as your work. Difficult moments will pass and when they do you will rise again with the sun and you will try again.

Be unapologetically enthusiastic about everything life has to offer, everything that makes your eyes sparkle and I promise you, the blessings that will come to light will be extraordinary. Claim laughter as if it is your birth right. Appreciate all the moments that bring you happiness. Big. Little. Simple. Intricate. Be your cheerleader, give yourself a round of applause, no actually give yourself a standing ovation. Give yourself permission to feel like you’re not just enough; you are more than enough. You always were, and you will be throughout the years to come, and when you forget, this will be right here to remind you.