Stifled...

I would do wise to remember to NEVER type long posts directly in Facebook, especially when it’s thoughts that catch steam and become a part of a novel that you’ve been writing for years via Social Media

Simply because that’s the way I think about things. What started off as a post about the song I linked in the beginning of this particular tangent quickly took many left turns as it often does when I’m doing (or thinking about) anything.

Against my better judgment I let the thoughts catch fire and once I had typed what seemed like 10 pages, FB decided TL:ME (Too Long : Must EAT!) and swallowed those thoughts, never to be recovered.

This is what typing programs like the lovely Scrivener are for. Not an advert, just a reminder to myself to invoke the name of the App that is for writing. You know the one that lets you type shit, segment your insane ideas, SAVES AS YOU GO, even backs it up to dropbox!

Right tools for the job. Plus I was a fool to have such cohesive thought typed into a medium I know for a fact is prone to techno-boo-boos. I should know better.

Yes this is a common thing, “Train” of thought seems far to organized for what happens Upstairs. I often describe it as Nebulous Thought. My thoughts are like a Nebula, loose clouds of swirling dust and gas that occasionally coalesce and form stars (complete thoughts). Of course the hops to get to complete thoughts are often border on the stochastic (which to my mind is the scientific word for the #1 driving force in my life CHAOS). I often have no idea where my thoughts are going and how.

More Trainwreck than Train-On-Track to be sure, but I am embracing more and more, why shouldn’t I, its my head, right?

I guess the point of part of this is coming to grip with how we are, making our peace with it and coming to realize this was a massive part of all of your strengths all along.

Like for instance I used to get so hung up on the details of a project that I’d never get started. I’m sure there are plenty of you out there that have had this experience. I found over time that really what was shooting myself in the foot was my resistance to putting anything out that wasn’t rigorously filtered, redone, agonized over, filtered again, until I cared very little of the finished product and would throw it to the wolves and occasionally the world.

I think growing up in a society that expected many of us to fit a certain mold definitely did strange things to all of our psyches….

You see I write because I do enjoy sharing words and thoughts with people. If you’re reading this on FB you’ve have probably no doubt have received a VERY long winded comment from me at some point. All things having to do with words are nothing short of Verbose with me. Spoken, written….. I’d say my thoughts are verbose, but that’s technically not true.

Anyhow, I have felt that any “works” I have done where I stopped overthinking it and rolled with were generally well received by an audience outside of myself.

Ask Stuart Smith about King Phillip, a one man play I cooked up with him about reincarnation my senior year of high school, back in 2002. I enjoyed the process to be sure, and felt it was a…. Product, but didn’t think it amazing, (or worthy of awards at a high school acting festival of which it won 3, I think?)

Why do we so often do that to ourselves. We tell ourselves that we can’t do something, even while we are in the process of achieving it. Or that we can’t do it that way, OUR way….. I am finding through the wisdom of experience and a life time of self-scrutiny that maybe it’s not so much that we need to learn more things to help us cope with ourselves, but rather unlearn a bunch of horseshit in order to trust ourselves to do these things we are good at.

I am told that I have a way with words, but until recently felt so sheepish about sharing them. Whether in the form of a play or just musings that you may still be reading now.

I have too often shelved ideas on the simple basis that it was “Too Weird” and people would HATE IT, to which hasn’t really been the experience. Even so, criticism doesn’t really bother me all that much.

Unless it’s from myself….. THAT is Weird. If I have grown into myself enough to shrug and move on when ANYONE outside of myself, flips me the bird and tells me, “YOU FUCKING SUCK!”. I shrug and go, “Meh, I must not be their cup of tea…”

Don’t get me wrong, it took DECADES to get to that point of comfort with who am being perceived as outside of myself. Inside of myself was and still is very different. All the people in the world could tell me something I’ve done was amazing and want more and I would try to be gracious, accept the compliment, but still tell myself, “Naw bruh…. It’s shit….”

How weird is that?

I am literally, right now, in the moment that I am typing this, how strange that is. I have much more faith in my abilities these days, but still training (or un-training) myself to just do the damn thing and put it out there. For my own sake and not for anyone else. Of course there is a much deeper conversation about self worth in there somewhere…….

I like writing because it’s an exercise in making thoughts manifest. I mean isn’t that art at it’s very crux of Art overall? Your Feelings, your fantasy, your nightmares, the entire multiverse that is your mind, made manifest in somer way shape or form.

For yourself first, sure, we’re all getting that lesson, do for you first, but I’d encourage you to do that, and then share. For reals. You already did it for you, why not throw it out there.

You art may bring some Levity to someone else’s life. Who knows, something you do (and share) might change someone else’s life.

Just sayin……….