Resilience

This past year opened my eyes to what I have been told I am: resilient. But, up until recently, I didn't believe it. I mean, resilience is basically being good at adapting to challenging life experiences - and change has long been a difficult situation for me, so how can I possibly be resilient?!

According to the American Psychological Association, "Resilience is the process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands." According to the Mayo Clinic: "If you lack resilience, you might get stuck on problems or feel like a victim."

So this last year has been hard in so many ways and I have felt very stuck several different times this year. I have also felt like a victim and totally out of control. For a while, it was really hard for me because I didn't understand the difference from being a victim and working through the trauma and having a victim mindset. I still don't completely understand the nuances there, but I am ready to share my story of discovering my own resilient spirit in this last year's hardships especially!

I was getting hurt in my home. But when asked if I was getting hit, I said no and still have a hard time saying yes to that question. You see, I was told, over and over again that if I was "actually being hit, that it'd be with a fist or leave a visible bruise." I knew what was happening was wrong, but my understanding was that if I breathed a word to anyone that I would lose my kids.

Why? Because it'd be half my fault for domestic violence happening in the home, right? So what made me think that I'd be allowed to keep my kids? Absolutely nothing. I had asked for help a few different times and the generic answers were similar... that I'd be in trouble for allowing it and that my only option was to cut my losses in paying the entirety of the house (it wasn't in my name due to a lack of access to information) and that I'd have to go to a women's shelter which would be insanely hard on my oldest who has special needs. Those seemed like terrible options, so I continued trying to keep the kids separate from the physical violence.

"You need to go upstairs - NOW!" Became a staple phrase that both the kids and I practiced when nothing would happen, so that when things escalated, that they would know what to do. I thought that I was doing the best thing for them and protecting their interests... it wasn't until several weeks later when we were safe, that my oldest asked me (several different times and in several different ways, so not a direct quote): "Why didn't you call 911 when Daddy hit you? I was scared that you were going to die."

That just about broke me. How does one explain to such a little person that you felt trapped? When I did subtlety use my panic button, the calm demeanor came out ... until law enforcement drove away and then I paid the price. Who'd believe the schizophrenic anyway? I probably just imagined it...

We were in couple's therapy and I said as much as I dared: how he admitted to me that he loved the adrenaline of fighting and making the stakes ever higher, how he blamed his temper on not taking his medication, and how he had to be in control. I could not find the words to tell the therapist that the day I said way too much and I was hesitant to leave with him, he backhanded me so hard that my glasses fell to my lap. I don't remember much after that, but I do know that there were more impacts. My face was very red, but... I didn't bruise. It was my own fault. I knew better than to say the things I said.

I never rode in the same vehicle after that. He made it seem that I was overreacting. He made it clear that if I said anything, he'd lose his employment options which would cause us to be homeless which would mean that I'd lose my children again.

I didn't mind the pain. Even the day my knee was injured badly enough for me to beg for an ambulance, there wasn't enough evidence to show that I had been hurt by him. Besides... he had the kids, I didn't dare breath a word of what really happened that night. Or the day that I called law enforcement for a ride to the hospital because my hallucinations were so bad - and I wasn't allowed to take my medication. He actually took all of my pills away from me, told my Mom that I was suicidal (I was having trouble getting one pill out of the bottle as they are so tiny!), delayed giving me the pill that Mom told him to until she threatened to call an ambulance for me and make an emergency trip to my house, and refused to use written communication with me even though I have periodic muteness under stress. Guess what? Yelling at someone to talk to you, doesn't help muteness brought on by stress!

So, finally I asked for help when breaking up with him and putting safety boundaries in place, wasn't enough to keep me safe. And the kids started having bruising that I knew how it had happened. I couldn't protect them anymore. The last few times I had tried to protect them, they hadn't been able to go upstairs. I was between the angry monster and them screaming and crying in fear in the kitchen. I was surprised at how much strength I had to block him from getting past me. Then he would leave and what proof would I have for law enforcement? Not a thing. It'd only make it worse... I'd accepted that much.

I got help. He fought for joint custody and got it because I hadn't told enough soon enough - and because I was really hoping that he would go back to being the gentle giant I remembered falling in love with. He had me convinced that every issue we faced, was all and entirely my fault while simultaneously taking enough responsibility that the couples therapist didn't have any major concerns. Without me in the picture, his anger would be better and the kids wouldn't get hurt, right? It is, after all, in the children's best interests to have both parent's in their life.

There have been many challenges since then regarding the children, but now that I am safe and healing, I am able to better address those issues as I continue to advocate for our children's best interests. Their health and safety first, followed closely by encouraging their relationship with their Dad.

It is hard though. Because I don't want to put myself in a situation where I could potentially "not be hit" again - especially not in front of the children. They have been through enough. But what do you say when they have questions about why Daddy can't come tuck them in? Why isn't Daddy allowed on the property? Daddy says that he won't hit people and will only hit vehicles now - so why is Mommy still scared of him?

I just tell them that these are the rules right now. I pray that by the time they are old enough to understand better, that these issues are no longer a problem. But, for now, I have to maintain hard boundaries for my safety - and continue to speak up about things that I hate admitting that happened so that the kids can have a therapist's help in navigating the emotions and fears that they have both shown.

Anyway, I feel like I am just feeling like a victim. But, I am not pretending to be a victim. Bad things happened. Instead of just rolling over though and waiting for someone else to save me, I did what a resilient individual would do: I reached out for help and took action. I prefer being resilient to the label "victim."

I set new goals for myself to give my life meaning. I do things to take care of myself. I am expanding my circle - slowly, but surely making new connections in my community now that I don't have to be as careful in what I say and how angry it would make my partner... I have learned from my past mistakes and now know the proper steps to help ensure that I will never be trapped in a situation like that again. I am hopeful for a better future for both myself and our children.

I have learned exactly how much inner strength and resilience I have within me in this past year - and I pray that the coming years won't be as hard. But, in the hard moments... especially those in the last several weeks of 2024, I remind myself of what I survived. Not only in the last year, but in the last 29 years of my life!

I will be okay with my God walking beside me - in both the valleys of the shadow of death and in green pastures beside the still waters that this life offers us. Despite me still wishing that I didn't need to learn the lesson, I have learned loud and clear: I am a very resilient woman.

I share this deeply personal journey with the hope that it gives others hope, grit, and gumption that is needed to say enough is enough and that you deserve peace and happiness. *smile* You are stronger than you think! Why else would another human being be so intimidated by you to use violence to control you? Hint: it's that inner strength that they are terrified of!