My Recovery Story

Recently I got a tattoo that means a lot to me. It’s the NEDA symbol, or the National Eating Disorder Association symbol. I have struggled with disordered eating and disordered thoughts since I was 8 years old.

I was a chunky kid and I was very much aware of it. I knew I was bigger than other kids and that for some reason that made me less of a person. I vividly remember playing pretend by myself at age 8, and telling myself to pretend that I was skinny. After some stomach issues I started dropping weight. I was about 15 at this time. I then started to develop restrictive eating habits, and I started over exercising. At 16 I was officially diagnosed with EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified), now classified as OSFED (Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorders), sub Anorexia.

For years I hated not being covered. I didn’t like being naked even when I was by myself. I had days where my body image was so bad I showered in a bathing suit. I had to sleep in certain positions so I wasn’t touching areas that were “too soft”. All I was thinking about all the time was numbers. How many calories does that have? What does that bring my total to? Is that too much? How can I burn that off? What am I going to eat next that falls into my rules for food? It was exhausting. It’s incredible how much your brain can hyperfixate on something and make it your entire life. I didn’t enjoy vacations to the fullest, I didn’t enjoy my time out with family and friends, I didn’t enjoy my life. Everything in my head was telling me I wasn’t good enough, whatever I ate was too much, and that I was fat. No matter how thin I got, no matter how little I ate, I was a failure and I was fat.

I remember a few years ago I went to Hawaii for 3 weeks. The entire time I was so self conscious. I didn’t want to be in a bikini, even the high waisted one I had bought specifically to hide my stomach on the beach. I wanted to be in a sweatshirt all the time. I counted calories as much as I possibly could while on vacation and trying not to rouse suspicion. I walked as much as humanly possible even though I had a hurt back and hurt knees. I was a mess held together with cheap tape.

I was at a point in my life where I had let myself be controlled by someone else, I felt I had no say in my life, I was lost. All I could do was control my food, my intake, and do what I felt I wanted or needed. Typically those things were incredibly self destructive and not helpful for me or my future. When I finally left that situation and had control of my life again, I got stuck in a rut. I still wasn’t sure how I was supposed to function and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. I didn’t know how to heal myself.

Finally, at some point this year, 2021, my brain was able to realize that what I was doing was not helping me. I had known that before, logically, but had never truly believed it. I didn’t really want to recover from my disorder, I still wanted to be skinny, I still didn’t like myself. Something shifted though. When I finally started putting myself first, when I started actually wanting to enjoy my life, my brain relaxed from its battle position and let me realize that this wasn’t helping me.

In the middle of last year I started dating someone that actually loved me for who I was, broken pieces and all. I was finally in an environment that fostered self love in myself and neutrality around food. I was mystified by his family's love of food and how much of a healthy relationship they had with it. It really helped me relax around food, especially around them. I was able to listen to my body again and after a while, food wasn’t scary anymore. I have been to treatment twice in my life, and this environment did more for my recovery than treatment ever did.

I started doing strength training and instead of counting calories I was counting macros. I was trying to eat more. Weight loss wasn’t my only goal now. I wanted to get stronger, I wanted to feel better, and I wanted to raise my confidence. I wanted to be happy with who I was for the first time in my adult life. I wanted to be confident in my actions and in who I was as a person. I didn’t want to need validation from others anymore. I was finally at the point where I wanted to be independent in my emotions and in my thoughts.

I have always been a people pleaser, and don’t get me wrong, I still am. My boyfriend is great at telling me when I have put myself last and tries to redirect me to healthy selfishness. However, now I am actively trying to put myself first. I am actively feeding myself properly, I am actively making sure my body feels good and is getting enough sleep. I am actively making sure I am hydrated and strong.

I’m now at a point where I am not ashamed every time I look in the mirror. I am even happy with it sometimes. Sometimes I even think I’m sexy. I honestly didn't know that word was even in my vocabulary, at least not when describing myself. I have finally done what I thought was absolutely impossible. I have recovered from my eating disorder. I am happy, I am healthy, and I am free. Is every day rainbows and unicorns? GOD no. It never will be. However, I’m now having more good days than bad days. I have more energy, and I have a life. I’m able to really live again.