Timelines

Ever since I was a kid I have had a vision for my future. I had a timeline, I had a plan. I had everything planned out. I would graduate from the same high school as my brothers with an associates degree, I would get a bachelors in teaching, then a masters. I would get married by 25, have my first kid shortly after, and have my second before I was thirty, life would be perfect.

Fun fact, life loves curveballs.

I have been engaged twice in my life. Not necessarily because I knew I wanted to spend my life with those men, but because I was desperate to make my timeline work. The older I got the more internal pressure I had to get my timeline going. I was falling behind, I panicked. In reality, I had no reason to be.

I got engaged at 19 to my highschool boyfriend. He was a great guy but we were way too young to be in a relationship with that much responsibility. We thought we were ready but we were so immature. We thought engagement was just the logical next step after moving in together and looking back it was way too much at that age.

Too quickly afterwards I jumped into another relationship. We were on and off and it was just the worst possible relationship for the both of us. I was 20 when we started dating and almost 24 when I broke up with him. I was trying so hard the entire time to make it work because I was terrified of starting over. In my head, I had spent 3 years with this man, I was 24 and running out of time to be a wife and mother. At that time, the worst case scenario was starting over. In reality, the worst case scenario was me being legally bound to someone that was going to make me miserable for the rest of my life. I was so stuck in my head and with these expectations that I had built up for myself. It took 3.5 years, and many, many people telling me that this relationship was not what I should be in, but I finally woke up. I realized that my timeline was not important. It took a quarter of my life but I was finally able to let go of these unrealistic expectations I had built up for myself.

I left that relationship about a year ago and I’m in the best relationship of my life. We have been together for a little over a year and I love where we are. I feel no pressure to be engaged, or to have kids. Do I get baby fever? Of course, because I’m a woman that eventually wants kids. Do I dream about my wedding? Of course because I’ve always loved weddings, the decor, the dress, the colors, all of it. I love watching Say Yes To The Dress, Four Weddings, almost anything remotely related. I love scouring Pinterest for different DIY things or pretty rings or dresses. However, I know now, at 24, I am not ready to get married. I love exactly the way things are right now. I’m still learning about myself, I’m learning new ways to cope with things, and I’m trying to unlearn unhealthy behaviors I learned in my previous relationships that have no place in a healthy functioning relationship.

I feel as though so many people, especially women, feel this pressure. Whether it’s internal, external, or societal. Some women feel they have to get married and have babies. It’s not for everyone. Not everyone is going to get married, not every woman will be a mother and that is so incredibly okay. We shouldn’t have to feel like we need to conform to anyone else’s idea of what our lives should be. Everyone has their own path in life and no two people are the same. One of my uncles didn’t get married and start having kids until he was in his 50s and that was perfect for him. I know that with where I am physically and mentally that I am not ready to be a wife or a mother. I will eventually but I want to grow into who I am supposed to be. I want to be stable in who I am before I take on that responsibility. And you know what? That is okay.

Everyone is ready for things at different times. Some people are ready for it all at 19, others are ready for it at 50. Some are never ready for it. If you feel pressured about getting married, starting a family, even figuring out what you want to do with your life career wise, take a breath. Do what feels right for you. Follow your gut. If you feel like you’re spiraling, check in with someone close to you that you trust and that you know supports you. Remember that this is your life and not anybody else’s. There is sadly no guidebook on how to live your life perfectly. Just do the best you can and don’t rush anything. Take your time. Feel comfortable and confident at every step.

Timelines are great for projects, and important days. Not your life. Remember that.