Living with Dying

It's a Friday, and it's April 11th, 2025. Where was my mind? I missed the most crucial anniversary I have ever had. I guess I've been distracted.

One year of Living With Dying!

The experience of dying starts with a proclamation, other than the fact we're all born to die. But time becomes a precious commodity the less one has of it, and you hear that you're dying earlier than planned, time becomes the most valuable thing you have.

For a year, I've been living with dying. And the year was not kind to the dying man. When you find out you have an aggressive stage IV cancer that's already spread to 80 percent of your body, the doctors shorten your life expectancy. What they tell you in the beginning is subject to change.

There's a nasty fight involved if you fight cancer. It doesn't come easy. Things will get complicated, from insurance to medicine to how you'll feel and try to survive your days. The world continues to move on, and you'll have to do the same. I learned that valuable lesson from a couple of people who did it well. They let nothing stop them until it was the end.

Work Saved Me

Throughout the last year, work saved me. Getting out of the house is important when facing the reality of becoming a short-timer in this world. It keeps your body moving, and it keeps your mind from dwelling on the words, "You're going to die, Mr. Morton."

It was easier last year. The fourth best doctor in the country for prostate cancer says you've got ten, maybe more years, and that's when you begin to feel lucky. You have time, and something new could come around to save your life. You grab onto that and hold on tight because it's hopeful.

There are ups and downs in the process, and they'll shake you like a California Earthquake.

But somehow, I managed to get to work every day and do the things that were asked of me. It was near normal. When you're told you're going to die, a near-normal day is a happy day.

Ups and Downs

The different doctors do different things. Cancer starts in a particular place. In my case, I have a prostate doctor and then an oncologist. One gives oral chemo drugs, and the other more aggressively threats the cancer.

My oncologist has me do a second round of scans and finds there's nothing left to worry about. That was in October. Just keep taking the pills you're on, and we'll recheck you in six months.

Talk about a celebration. It was the best news, and a real up.

Chemotherapy ended in October. Then I moved on, happily taking new pills and going to work each day. Fast forward, in the midst of the world gone crazy, I'm still here, but there are changes.

Neuropathy set it. It's a side effect of the chemotherapy and of the pills specifically targeting the cancer. On days the feeling is in my feet, I enjoy a good walk, get some relief, and anxiously wish it wouldn't happen again.

The New Numbers

Talk about downers. I went to see the doctor in February, and things had changed. From last year to this year, even with chemotherapy, the oral chemo drugs, a diet, and supplements that "target" cancer, things got worse.

Doctor Harb tells me I have an expectancy of about 3 years. "3 Years!" What the hell happened? Is that from the onset or from today, I asked. The math in my head rattled like coins in a metal jar. Three years from when the cancer started, according to the 4th best guy in the country.

By early March, I started noticing some of the pain the medical team said I should. It's now April 11th, and it's becoming more apparent that I'm sick. But that's living with dying.

What's the Worst Thing That Could Happen

When March 24th rolled around, the last kick in the balls of the last many months came to get me. Laid off permanently, the loss of benefits, and the loss of purpose. What a year it's been. Proof that the world doesn't stop because you're sick. Proof that keeping up with the world is the only thing we can do.

There are five things I do that make me feel better and like I'm surviving.

1. Stay active. It's important to continue to be a part of the world.

2. Maintain your health. Get plenty of exercise, eat a healthier diet, and make sure to get enough rest. When you're fighting something invasively wrecking your body, the basics become even more important.

3. Keep up on your meds. Take the medication doctors recommend religiously, like your life depends on it, because it does.

4. Stay close to the ones you love. Things that bring you joy will help to make any suffering you go through worth doing.

5. Do what you want to do. With what little time and energy you have, make it count.