In 2022 I Want to Earn Tiredness

You know those nights where genuine, deep tiredness wraps its arms around you in a reassuring cuddle and quietly tells you it's time for bed?

When your head hits the pillow and it's a sigh of relief to simply lay down in a dark room and let yourself slip away?

When you offer soft and cosy respite to muscles that are gently aching from a busy day?

When you slip away to the land of Nod within seconds of closing your eyes, and you experience the blissful nothingness of sleep for a solid seven hours without any interruptions?

I need more of that in 2022.

I'm not talking about the desperate, exhausted kind of tired. The kind where you feel like a heavy lump of mashed potatoes too feeble to put one foot in front of the other. The kind where your eyes prickle and your brain throbs and you're too knackered to even drag yourself to bed.

The kind that forces you to drift off in front of the television and experience a fitful and uneasy half-sleep only to wake up shivering 45 minutes later with a crick in your neck, a cat on your chest, and a great deal of confusion about what decade it is.

The kind where when you do finally get to bed you find yourself tossing and turning for hours, mind turning over the day's events as you dangle helplessly on the painful brink of sleep.

There's a difference between tiredness and exhaustion

Tiredness is something you earn.

Tiredness comes after a busy that started as soon as your alarm nudged you awake in the morning.

Tiredness comes after you tick everything - or almost everything - off your to-do list and give yourself those beloved dopamine hits.

Tiredness comes after you do that yoga session or that long walk on the beach with the dog or that spontaneous solo dance party in the kitchen when you're making dinner.

Tiredness comes when you have fresh air and see some trees and touch some grass.

Tiredness comes when you engage your brain with purposeful tasks and fulfilling hobbies.

Tiredness comes after a day well-lived - busy, productive, balanced.

Exhaustion? That comes when you overdo it and yet you do nothing at all.

Exhaustion comes when you don't get yourself to bed soon enough the night before, and you sleep through your morning alarm and have to careen about the house like a headless chicken to get to work on time.

Exhaustion comes when you overextend yourself and struggle to cram too many tasks into not enough time until you become so overwhelmed with stress that all those tasks go unfinished.

Exhaustion comes when you don't take breaks, you forgo water, you don't eat a proper meal, and you down endless cups of coffee in a futile and jittery attempt to keep yourself focused.

Exhaustion comes when you finally crash and plonk yourself down on the sofa to 'relax', only to stick a cheesy rom-com on the telly that you've seen a million times before because your brain's too depleted to focus on something new.

Exhaustion comes after a day that just happened - frantic, ineffective, unfulfilling.

2021 was the year of exhaustion

I spent much of last year grappling with anxiety and subsequently distracting myself with unfulfilling and empty pastimes. I scrolled endlessly through social media. I watched shows I didn't even care for. I stared for hours at blank pages, willing myself to write when I was too filled with self-doubt to put down even a single word.

I was unfocused on my work and found myself battling fretfully against the clock as deadlines rushed towards me. I let my daily yoga practice fall by the wayside, telling myself I was too stressed to find the focus for yoga, despite yoga being the very thing I needed to combat that stress.

I stayed up too late doing exactly nothing other than lounging around and staring into space, my brain running over hectic, muddled thoughts until my head ached and my limbs grew so heavy that I couldn't face even walking up the stairs and getting into bed.

In 2021 every day felt like a chore.

In 2022 I'll get busy to get rested

This year I want to fill my days with focused, fulfilling tasks that wear me out and ready me for rest in a positive way.

I want my days to have purpose, to involve activities that add value to my life, to engage my brain with compelling work.

I want to move my body and work my muscles enough that I need a full night's rest to recuperate and grow stronger.

I want to enjoy full, deep sleep every night - to experience that genuine mental reset that comes with switching off my brain, unplugging from reality and connecting with the dream world.

I want to wake up each morning feeling refreshed, energised, hopeful, and ready to do it all over again.

While there are many resolutions I could make for the year ahead - write often, roll out the yoga mat every day, eat balanced and nutritious meals - there's little need to make a list. All of these things will come naturally if I simply remind myself that they will contribute to good quality sleep.

So, in 2022 I will make just one resolution: to enjoy tiredness that I have earned.