I Will Turn These Tears Into Weapons
Finding Strength in my Weakness
Countless research and countless hours of reading. I have tried to understand and let myself feel these emotions. It hurt so much while I was in the middle of our battle, but leaving has only brought me a brief pause of relief. Nothing and nobody could have prepared me for the downright turmoil my heart and brain would go through trying to fight one another. One of them wants to go back, but the other knows it is but a pointless journey that leads nowhere new.
So here I stand in the middle of limbo. Balancing delicately on a rope of hope with both hands out begging someone to save me or at the very least, help me find a way to save myself, because right now. At this very moment. I do not know what is right or what is wrong. I do not know if I have made the best decision for my sanity only to sacrifice my heart. I do not see the beauty of the skies nor the sparkle in the tides anymore. So tell me, after leaving you... am I the only one who feels such wars within?
They say to write a letter that your ex will never read. A sort of last list of words to make your heart bleed its last tear, but what what if I don't have just one meaningless letter for you? What if I have volumes upon volumes of novel worthy stories made up of memories and feelings that need to be released into the wind? Things that you never cared to cherish or know. Where do I start then? Do I meaninglessly just jot down every wrong you've done or do I start with the absolute best of which how you came to win me?
I suppose this is what will become of our past because you were just too self involved to open my pages and slowly read each paragraph word for word like the person who truly loved me would have.
Through your selfish behavior, I loved you to the fullest. Despite being left alone every single night, I still held out hope, and was waiting for your return every single morning. I took your mean words and lies in stride, and even took your literal punches without a single cry. I supported you and loved you even after you forced your body on mine. I stood by your side in the very moment that I wished to die. Because of you though, I have found the meaning in my life, and because of you, I know how to fight. Despite your efforts to drain my soul, it has awaked a new light in me. I have become a beacon for women stuck in marriages like me. Because of you, I am no longer naïve, and because of you, I am learning how to let my soul free.
It has been months, but the memory is still fresh in my mind. I packed up my things and held our daughter tight. I never let go as I took her and left with all of the strength I possessed at that time. I sometimes wonder if you regret your ways, but then I realize the cost would be too high and it is something that you will never pay.
I sometimes feel bad for taking our daughter away, but then I realize that this is the the cost of keeping her safe which is a price I will always be willing to pay. She will never know the tears that I cried so many nights for a man that wasn't willing to stepup and do what was right.
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By Hazrat Usman Usman5 days ago in Motivation
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