If You Can't Find Hope by Able Heart

This week, the song that has got me smiling actually reminds me of some hard times with one of my best friends. So, this article is for you Amanda! ;-)

Able Heart starts the song off by just talking... "I know I know I know -- Things have been difficult. I know life gets crazy, But please you need to hold on -- And always remember..."

Right away my brain brings me back to that first anniversary of the date when I said my vows that had to be broken... Amanda was there, on a work night, to help make sure that my depressive side didn't make a really bad decision...

The chorus starts playing, "If you can’t find hope, Borrow mine tonight -- I’ve been lost too just trying to get it right, The sun still rises even when you’re tired of the fight..."

Amanda doesn't always know what I am going through - and I don't always know what she is going through, but I do believe that she and I have the friendship that we do because we both have been lost at times yet try our best to do it right! We've both had times that we are tired... but the sun will always rise again - and I hope that we both can borrow each other's hope when it all gets hard...

The chorus continues: "If you can’t see the road, Walk by borrowed light -- We’re all just healing in real time, If you can’t find hope ... Borrow mine"

That night I was scared to make a needed change in my home. I wanted photos that wouldn't make me cry. I wanted photos of happy times... and yet, I couldn't bring myself to walk down a road of unknowns. Amanda helped take down the photos and pack them safely away for when I was ready to decide what to do with them. She let me cry for a minute, and then shown the light of hope out on the road ahead. The photos that make me smile? They are still up on my walls tonight!

Able Heart keeps singing: "I’ve worn a smile like it paid my rent -- Told the world I was good, When I wasn’t convinced..."

I wince a little bit remembering how hurt my friends were... when they got told that I wanted to end my life. I looked happy. I seemed ok. But, I was drowning...

The song goes on: "Chased a version of me, I thought I should be..."

I was doing just that. I was doing what I was supposed to do instead of becoming who I was meant to be. I was chasing something that was never mine to chase!

The song keeps going: "Till I learned grace don’t come with receipts -- every Scar tells me I survived -- Not everything broken is asking to be fixed."

Amanda has never made me feel that grace in our friendship comes with receipts. She loved my scars before I could learn to see their value. And she doesn't make me feel like I need to fix my brokenness - she simply helps keep it contained for when I am ready to put myself back together. And, if my broken pieces are like stained glass, Amanda is amazing at suggesting ways to transform it into a beautiful window piece that you would never know was a broken mess that she helped sweep off of the kitchen floor!

Back to the song: "There’s strength in saying you’re not okay -- And still choosing to stand up anyway."

I am still not always okay. But, I choose to keep standing up. Keep showing up. Not perfect, but perfectly enough for those who love me!

Time for the chorus again: "If you can’t find hope, Borrow mine tonight -- I’ve been lost too just trying to get it right, The sun still rises even when you’re tired of the fight -- If you can’t see the road, Walk by borrowed light -- We’re all just healing in real time, If you can’t find hope ... Borrow mine..."

This time, my memory pulls up the video files of how I told Amanda that I was pregnant... that I had ruined my life... that I was so scared! She didn't make me feel judged... she didn't tell me that my fears were right... no, she helped me accept the reality and encouraged me to love the babies that I'd been given. She also helped me know that I had several options - and that the options would not make me a "bad person" regardless of her personal feelings on any of the options.

The song continues... "One day you’ll be the voice on the other end -- Saying hold on I’ve been where you’ve been -- Pain turns to purpose if you let it stay -- Long enough to teach you what to say..."

I pray that Amanda will never ever feel that dark. But, I do hope that if that were to happen, I can be the voice that she has been for me. I also know that she has had to stay through pain in order to be the friend that she is... and I am just so blessed to be able to know that if my world were to fall apart... well... she will be there in whatever way she can. *smile* And I hope that I do the same for her... and trust that I am a good friend back to her.

The chorus rings out again: "If you can’t find hope, Borrow mine tonight -- I’ve been lost too just trying to get it right -- The sun still rises even when you’re tired of the fight -- If you can’t see the road, Walk by borrowed light -- Everything's going to be all right..."

Amanda is one of those friends who always seems to be able to trust that it'll all work out all right in the end. And she somehow became a friend to me: who trusts that it will work out, but does not trust that the pain is worth the gain! I will say this though - if her hope is failing, I will do my best to put every single ounce of hope into a battery for a flashlight to loan her. I need my positivity friends who can still be real. And if that requires me to go to delulu land of unicorns and rainbows, then I will do my best to go there... and not scare away the unicorns! lol

Back to the song... "We’re all just passing it down the line -- Till the dark runs out of time..."

And smile because even if I can't give Amanda the same support in return... she'd tell me to pass it on. Just like we've done with physical supports: clothes, baby supplies, etc. Pass it on to someone who needs it. And that is how I know that she is a real friend... because she is genuinely kind with a heart of gold that I am so thankful to count as a reason for me to fight to stay in this world of darkness... to protect her heart from pain that I could prevent. <3