I’m Not Trying To Be Mean or Invasive, I’m Just In The Dark With Social Situations

Dear friends,

For a long time, I've been in the dark with social situations. As I've mentioned in various Vocal stories, I was diagnosed with Autism when I was a toddler and then diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) when I was a tween. Living with a dual diagnosis was extremely challenging for me, and it made social situations and problems difficult for me to navigate for the last several years of my life. Although this may not be the case for every single person living with Autism, many people with Autism have difficulty adapting to multiple social settings, dealing with complicated social situations and grapple with appropriate social skills.

Even though I struggled greatly with developing proper social skills as a child, they kept delaying once my mental health began to deteriorate in my teen years. Having Autism, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, low self-esteem, poor self-confidence, became more emotionally delicate and craved acceptance and validation from others was a lot for one person to handle. Although many individuals such as my family members and close friends don't typically view me as "socially awkward" which I agree with, I've formed certain behaviours that were considered "socially improper" according to some of my social workers, a group of peers and my parents. As my mental health got even worse and I lost all my self-respect, self-confidence and had trouble validating and accepting myself, I started asking "personal" questions like, "Do you have a job?” to some of my peers with Autism and, "What's your diagnosis?” to some of my peers with disabilities. Typically, people would consider these types of questions "personal" and "not meant to be any of my business", but I didn't view some of these questions as "personal" at the time. My intentions were not to be invasive, malicious, or to make anyone uncomfortable, but rather to gain validation and acceptance from others and to get to know people.

I never really got feedback on these types of questions and how personal they were until I was older. In May 2018, I attended a support group for adult females with Autism, because my therapist at the time suggested that it would be a splendid opportunity for me to connect with other women with Autism and to feel "less alone". During my first support group meeting, I asked a few of the group members questions like, "How much money do you make?”, Do you have a job?”, "What country do you come from?” and, "Do you have siblings?” I didn't realize that these questions made several group members uncomfortable until my therapist gave me some feedback and explained why these questions were "improper to ask". She explained that many people with Autism are considered "private" and "tend to get uncomfortable with certain questions". She also suggested that I may not know what goes on with someone behind close doors or one's level of sensitivity to certain topics like ethnicity and religion, so it's always safe not to ask those types of questions until the person gets to know me and gains my trust. I appreciated the feedback and my social worker acknowledged the fact that my intentions were not bad however, she also knew it would take me some time to digest the information and to fully comprehend it.

Five months after I moved into a residential facility for people with diverse abilities, I asked a few people questions like, "What is your diagnosis?” and, "What level of housing support do you receive?” I had enough insight to know that my intentions weren't bad, but I still got some feedback from the residential supervisor and my housing support worker and recommended that I need to work on further developing my social skills. Slowly, I started to work on overcoming these social challenges, but I also knew that it would take me quite some time to be considered "out of the woods". I knew that I had to keep struggling and failing to develop better insight and better understand why I would ask these questions and why they weren't considered socially acceptable.

I still struggle with social skills, but I have better awareness and I'm more motivated to further build my social skills. I also recognized that I was making people uncomfortable, even though my intentions were not to make people uncomfortable. I finally found the reason behind these behaviours I've exibited in the past: to find out who would be "on the same boat as me", to feel more accepted and to seek validation from others. I had to keep making these types of mistakes to gain insight and become more motivated to work on overcoming these social barriers I had. This is a lifelong goal I'm continuing to work on and there will be some bumps in the road, but I can do anything I can achieve.

If you've struggled with the same things I've grappled with, we can all relate. You are not alone and this problem is also quite common for people who have been abandoned, have various mental disabilities that compromise their ability to understand social norms and who strongly need validation from others. You will improve in good time. Don't be hard on yourselves for not having "normal social skills". As long as you know your intentions are good, you don't need to feel like you've hurt people.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. Your support will mean the world to me. If this story resonated with you, please give it a ❤️, and share it with others who might find it moving and worth reading. To find and read more of my Vocal publications, subscribe to me and visit my public profile. Stay tuned for upcoming Vocal stories and poems!

Sincerely,

Talia

PS: This letter is intended to help people who have been through similar things and have had similar difficulities to me, so they can feel less alone and become motivated to improve their social wellbeing.

Please feel free to connect with me outside of Vocal. I'm always keen on connecting with likeminded individuals.

IG Profile: @tdwrites24

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