I Learned This One Important Lesson From My Mother-in-law

The relationship between a mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law is always interesting, at least in Indian culture. Often, their relationship is regarded to be far more important in a marriage than the relationship of a husband and wife.

My relationship with my mother-in-law is a mixed bag of emotions. I find her very sweet, and extremely practical but also highly patriarchal.

She has lived most of her married life taking care of her small family, her husband and her son. She grew up with three elder brothers, in a small town somewhere in central India. She is educated and has her bachelor’s degree in home science. This is important to mention because most women of her generation barely studied after high school.

Despite her education, she decided to be a homemaker.

For years, she cooked for the family, kept the house clean, raised her son and complied with social responsibilities. This also means that for years, she lived inside the house. Her home was her world. The only place she ever travelled alone was her parent’s house.

She adorned herself with the conventional roles that society expects a woman to perform. She accepted the norm of society that men are different and more important than women; that a woman’s place is inside her house and that her place in the family is after the men's.

She loves her son. He is dearest to her. She longs to spend more time with him because he has been living away from home for nearly 10 years. Her son is everything in her life. When he was still a baby, she raised him with all the love and care, as any mother would do. She looked after his studies and made sure he grows into a gentleman.

But now, she is in her mid-60s. She is ageing quite gracefully.

Old age comes with its own set of problems. As a bystander, I cannot comment on it, but a few months ago, I saw something that led me to an extremely crucial realisation.

A few months ago, we invited my parents-in-law to come to stay with us in Ireland for a few months. Summer felt like a good time to invite them because it is warmer and easier for them to adjust. Any other time of the year would be very cold.

We enjoyed a pleasant month and a half with them. More than us, they were happy. They were glad to see their son building his home and his family.

Every day, my husband and I used to head to work. In the hours that I spent at home, I used to work on my assignment for my diploma course and do the housework — cooking, cleaning, etc. She used to help me sometimes.

During mornings and evenings, my father-in-law used to head out for a long walk along the river which flows near our apartment. On his daily rounds, he used to come across other Indians, visit stores and explore the town. It helped him spend his day. He knew that after going back home to India, he would resume his work as a senior consultant.

We all were occupied with our own goals and to-do things, except my mother-in-law.

During her stay with us, I saw her many times, plainly staring out the window, watching the birds, the cars come and go, and the apartment dwellers enter and leave.

Other than waiting for her son to return home from a long day’s work, she had nothing to look forward to.

Her days merely revolved around her family.

She has nothing in life that she can claim as her own. She does not have a purpose.

In a way, I felt bad for her.

She is dependent in nearly all areas of her life. Even though she consciously chose to be that way, it is very unhealthy, especially in old age. Ten years down the lane when her mobility is restricted, when she can’t even spend those few hours cooking and cleaning, what then?

What is to keep her occupied?

Maybe she is prepared for it.

Her situation taught me a very important lesson and that is —

To have a PURPOSE in life.

At the age of 60, I do not want to be spending hours, looking outside the window, waiting for my children to come home and talk to me. I do not also wish to put that burden on my husband.

It is crucial to have a purpose in life, which will keep you going even when you are 80.

It could be anything —

Reading books, writing, painting, watching movies, exercising, gardening, listening to music, shopping, etc.

I have often heard my father say that he wishes to do this and that after his retirement. I know my mother loves to read magazines and spend time watching useful content on YouTube. Someone I know who is also in her mid-60s in the US spends her time listening to audiobooks and gardening.

It isn’t just about doing something that keeps you occupied. It is about having things to look forward to, which gives you peace, happiness and independence. This won’t come from others. It has to be planned and created by the self.

There is nothing wrong with being a homemaker. But there is everything wrong is leading a life without a purpose.

This episode particularly frustrates me because the reason why my mother-in-law is so dependent on her family is “patriarchy”, because of the “society” that makes her feeble, incapable of discovering her own self.

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