How I Am Learning To Enjoy My Own Company

I experienced something bizarre yesterday.

I had the entire morning to myself. It was one of those dull days when I did not feel like doing much. Work was not until 2 in the afternoon.

I had unhealthily already spent an hour scrolling through Instagram reels.

Social media is my escape

It is my go-to place for a distraction.

A distraction from my present, real life.

It is where all things look good, happy, funny and entertaining. It is where I discover creativity unfolding in reels and videos. I simply enjoy watching them.

Momentarily, they make me forget that I am alone in the house.

But yesterday, while I was watching a video which was funny, I laughed and in a fraction of a moment, that laugh changed into teary eyes.

I felt bad for myself.

The thought of spending hours on social media, and having nothing to do like no proper full-time job or even other social commitments made me feel little and lacking, especially in comparison to my husband.

The judgmental part of me was as if mocking me — “What are you laughing at?”

I paused. I had no idea what was happening to me.

Solitude is a part of life

Life abroad can sometimes get very solitary, especially if you come from a heavily social and populated culture.

I don’t know who my neighbours are and am learning that making new friends in a new country is difficult. The warmth and love of a family are obviously missed.

That being said, even if I did have friends and family, it would be wrong to expect them to keep me company at all times and on all days.

In a difficult confrontation with myself, I realised, experiencing solitude is a part of life.

It is no one’s responsibility to keep you company

The sooner you accept this, the happier you’ll be.

As humans, we co-exist. Dependence comes naturally to us. Even though dependence is essential and fulfilling, it can make you unhappy.

When you depend on someone, you expect. When you expect, most times, you get disappointed.

This is why independence is freeing, precious and rare.

In the first few months of our marriage, I used to always complain to my husband that he doesn’t do much for me. In his free time, he is always resting or spending time on his phone which is a huge bummer for a hopeful soul like me who is always on the lookout for his time and attention.

We even fought a few times over this.

He could have taken me to plenty of new restaurants and pubs in the town. We could have gone on more dates or he could have simply bought me more gifts!

How difficult all this can be?

Yet, we only went on one dinner date (in 10 months, yeah), gifts were only exchanged on birthdays and drinking alcohol only happened inside the house.

All this made me disappointed.

I felt even more lonely. The only person I was counting on does not bother himself with the burden of my solitude.

I could keep blaming him or I could change my narrative.

It looks something like this —

Just because he is my husband, does he always have to accompany me?

Sounds unjust and unfair to him.

Solution:

I am learning to be independent.

I am learning to enjoy my own company.

I am learning that spending time with myself without engaging in other activities, just me and my thoughts, can be fulfilling and peaceful too.

I am learning that I am responsible for my own happiness and that the source of my happiness must come from within me.

I am learning that experiencing solitude doesn’t necessarily make you depressed.

I am learning that being alone and feeling lonely are two different things and while I am alone, I need not feel lonely.

I am learning to hold myself when I am on the verge of a breakdown and to look at the better side of things when I feel low.

My partner loves me and I know it for a fact. He definitely wants me to be happy. It is wrong and selfish to judge him or his efforts on the premise of how I deal with my own time and feelings.

I paused. I had no idea what was happening to me.

In the next moment, after all this mess flashed before me, I told myself —

So hold yourself up, and wipe those uninvited tears. Instead of letting those negative thoughts of self-shame and mockery breed inside your head, get up and shed them. Push them far, far away from yourself, your body.

Stop feeling lonely when you are clearly not. Instead, think of everything you can do with your time, skills and abilities.

Take ownership of yourself. Stop playing the victim and start being the hero.

This is what crying and laughing at the same time taught me.

Marriage is a companionship that lasts a lifetime.

But experiencing solitude within a companionship is just as much a part of being married as experiencing togetherness.

Yours,

TIW