I Forgot to Breathe in 2020

It took me almost a full year of complete and utter fear and confusion to change my perspective. It took event after event to make me sit down and really internalize who I am and what was happening- and now I know I’m better for it.

I want you to understand how I came to this conclusion, and in order to do that I think I need to tell you the full story of 2020 as seen through my eyes. And I sincerely hope this resonates with you somehow.

At the end of February 2020, I went on a cruise with my extended family and it wasn’t a great experience. On the second day my godmother fell in our stateroom, blackening both her eyes and most of her body. She had trouble walking and was in constant pain most of the week. We all took turns helping her walk and take care of herself. It was horrible and I was happy when we finally docked back home. She would have an easier time recovering when we were back in our space and it would be easier for me to deal with it when I wasn’t on 24/7 call.

About a week after we got back COVID-19 hit New York in full force. We didn’t know what was happening, but we knew it was dangerous and we were scared. I started getting calls that people I knew had passed away. Immediately we quarantined. My family chose to be quarantined together for the most part with only my brother’s family separate. He’s an essential worker and we thought it best not to risk him coming back and forth.

Almost three weeks later my brother got sick. Then his wife. Then my godmother. We didn’t know what would happen and once again we were thrown for a loop. He eventually recovered as did his wife and our godmother. We were luckier than most.

At the height of the pandemic, I was desperate to keep busy. To do something productive. My friend and I started a singles chat for people who were feeling isolated – we hoped that we might even give couples a chance to find each other. It got about 75 members but didn’t take off the way we hoped.

Next, I started writing again. Something I let go of a long time ago magically came back to me and it was incredible. The first words that scribbled out of me were:

“Does time really suspend when you stop breathing?

Or does it just feel that way to those struggling to survive?

Because I felt the entire world stop breathing today.

Some can’t breathe because they’re too busy suffering –

Suffering from a disease they know nothing about

Some can’t breathe through the mask barely covering their anxiety

Some can’t breathe through their fear-

The isolation slowly strangling them

And for me? Well, I’m still holding my breath.”

It was those words that finally helped me release some of the anxiety that I had a vise-like grip on. It felt a little bit like coming home. It felt like a lifeline. It was then that I started my Instagram page, one dedicated to my thoughts and words. It felt good when it took off a bit. I felt good. I felt heard.

But because we all know that good things can’t last forever, the next thing hit. And by hit, I mean I started feeling like I was getting hit by a truck. Repeatedly. Frequently. One quick trip to the doctor let me know that I had an underlying medical condition that decided 2020 was the perfect year to make its presence known. It sucked.

It was at that point that I sat myself down and took stock of my life. Oh, and in case you were wondering why I included that cruise ship story at the beginning- here is why. I opened the “notes” app on my phone and started recording all the things I had to be grateful for and the first thing I wrote down was “I got off the boat w/ my family the same day the next wave of people went on and were struck with the first cruise related covid-19 outbreaks”

I had been luckier this year than I could have ever believed, and it started on the same trip that I felt like was a nightmare. My perspective of what “difficult” was had changed so drastically that I wasn’t even the same person. It made me want to be better and deal with life better.

2021 started and my health and fitness journey started with it. I’ve chosen to accept the challenge ahead of me and prioritize my health in a positive and optimistic way that wouldn’t have been possible in 2019 or 2020. I’m taking a deep breath this year and going full force with positivity. And I’m grateful 2020 made it possible.

By Dalia (2020)