I Build Walls With Reasons

Enjoying 24. The Unspoken Ways Trauma Shapes Relationships by Roj Ink

https://medium.com/illumination/24-the-unspoken-ways-trauma-shapes-relationships-03498d6d6f6f

My heart held on to this piece.

It’s not that you don’t want intimacy — it’s that your body remembers times when being open led to harm. So you build walls, Roj Ink

I build walls, but after the pain and cruelty enter, never before. I believe I should let humans give me the reasons to make them. With reasons, regrets stay away, removing any guilt from my body, mind, heart, and soul. I forgive them, too, but ensure I don’t run out of forgiveness and have to keep repeating the process.

They usually do give us reasons to build walls and close doors. Sometimes I see it in the actions, choices, decisions, and intentions of the ones I care about and those whom I helped. But I refuse to judge, so I wait patiently, still giving kindness and love. The reason to protect myself by building walls eventually arrives. Then I act with reasons. Good ones.

I am building one now.

A female I have known for more than twelve years always needs help. I became her mother, father, sister, friend, teacher, lawyer, doctor, nurse, therapist, psychologist, guidance counselor, etc. With her, I wore many hats, learning from each role I played. I am her go-to person when she is in pain, sad, or wants to vent. Anything and everything she needs, she gets, sometimes at a sacrifice to me.

I never asked for anything.

Life has weird ways of testing us, and our failures unconsciously close doors and build walls that can lock us out, costing us love, kindness, and genuine friendship that never recovered.

Some life tests cannot be re-sat.

I needed something urgently to be delivered that someone had given her to give to me. I was at the market, less than 5 minutes by cab from where she lives. I offered to pay her cab fare to deliver the package to and fro, as I had three heavy bags of food. She refused. She didn’t explain her reasons and made no arrangements to change the time or date.

In the twelve years we have been friends, I have never asked her for anything. This was a life test, and she failed. She has unconsciously created her own exit door, giving me a reason to build a wall to block her out.

Yes, she will be forgiven, but life demands that I be smarter.

I think of our friendship as a fruit tree that I planted. I am the only one watering it, and she is the only one reaping the fruits. She is the only one benefiting from the tree she never planted or waters. The first time she got an opportunity to water that tree, she didn’t. Starving a tree will kill it. It’s the same with friendship. Some of us feed it while others starve it. The ones who starve it always demand more than the ones who feed it.

Should I keep using resources, energy, time, and continue making sacrifices to water a tree that bears fruit I never get?

I psychoanalyzed my budget. Then I decided to move to fertile ground. Next time, when planting trees, Life demands that I ensure that they are watered by the other party, reaping their benefits too. Life dictates that friendship is a two-way street.

True, but I can’t obey life all the time.

“Why?” Life demands.

“As a human with an understanding of life, and the ability to read emotions, I can tell when a friend, foe, or some people I meet are in need, in pain, sad, or something is wrong.”

“How?”

“I take the time to know everyone. I listen to everything they say, but mostly to what they don’t say.”

“How can you hear what wasn’t said?” Life demands.

“I listen with a third ear and see with a third eye.”

“You wear glasses,” Life reminds me.

“Then five eyes,” I added again, giggling. “I let their actions and how they live speak for them. Plus, I am old, my tolerance for unbalanced friendship is shifting to the left.”

“Damn!” Life said. “I teach you too much.”

Yes, life is my teacher. So right now, I built a wall. She will still get my help, but it will be limited to my availability. When life tests you, don’t fail! If I had failed any of life’s tests, I wouldn’t have the life I have now with the resources to help anyone who needs help.

Don’t fail when life tests you.

Some of the tests that life uses to teach and strengthen us cannot be re-sat! Annelise Lords

Thank you for reading this piece. I hope you enjoyed it.