"I AM"

Last week I had a miniature breakdown of all that was past, all that was, and all that I intended to come. There are many things that I find home with, not physically but spiritually. The caress and path of the paintbrush, the locking down of my thoughts and words in ink, and the deep breaths taken whilst on the bank or beach of any body of water. Among those things that I let slip away was my writing.

I dabble here and there and have so many starts to posts, books, short stories, and poems, but I stopped giving myself time to really enter myself back into my creative space. Life, right? So I created writing prompts for myself and if you haven't noticed my 'rants' yet, every morning before the kids wake or while they eat breakfast I let myself delve deep and explore how I really feel while keeping in mind a particular prompt.

I don't want to zombie through life anymore - wake up, chores, bills, find time to just find excuses that I cant fit in other things, and then collapsing into a dreamless sleep until the rats race begins again. I want to know who Kaia really is, and who she really wants to be, and understand why she was how she was. In understanding her, I think I'll be able to understand outside myself more.

We can and do go through total transformations every few years. If you tell me that you are the same person you were 5 years ago, then I want to ask why you decided to stop growing? We are always in the process of our definition. We are not permanent ink on paper.

Your definition of yourself falls on belief. I myself have struggled with belief my entire life until I got to the point where I just stopped believing in anything period - There was no God or gods, love was a chemical process to procreate, the world turned somehow, and then you fell into a hole to rot in nothingness.

Not having a belief in anything was one of the darkest times in my life. I let bad things happen (no one else, ME, I did) and as a result of my weakness I began to define myself as worthless, unworthy, and a total waste of oxygen. What. The. FUG. I swear if I had any of you came to me and say you felt that way about yourself I would not agree for 1 second.

I say you, in the past, have made bad decisions. You have said and did awful things about and to people that didn't deserve it, even if they did deserve it, is that who you are? Is that who you want to be? How do you define who you are - what are your reasons, where does your moralities stand, are you conscious of your self consciousness?

You have all the power in your hands to pencil down your definition and erase to reform it, erase it and reform and again on and on.

You are the edge of something miraculous, and no matter what you believe you are the result of some big Bang. You are not a force, you are thee force. You are the primordial energy of this universe.

Right now I have penciled down words to define myself - it's evolving and growing into something better every year that I grow more conscious of not what's around me and needs done, but who I am inside.

I have no care in this prompt to touch on physical definition, because I still believe this is a temporary meat suit and even though you should love your body, I believe you take your spiritual definition with you somewhere after you leave it and it's far more important .

"I AM" are two of the most powerful words that can leave your lips or linger in your thoughts. I challenge you to sit down with a pencil, of course, and write down every word you think defines you. Use Google or a dictionary or I don't care, I just want you to be thorough. Don't lie to the paper either and skip over words like conceited, selfish, and fearful. You need to be honest with yourself for growth. If it helps, write next to it why you think you are those certain definitions. Now those words that you wrote down that don't resonate with who you want to be, write next to them the positive antonyms that you want to strive for or even slowly grow into.

I find when I have written down these things and placed it where I can see it often my consciousness is open and I can see things more clearly. I still catch myself saying hateful things but my list always comes to mind and I think of why what I think that and remember that they are on their own journey too and just haven't made it there yet.

We are here to be a community and we need it more than ever. So define yourself as forgiving and helpful or at least want to be, of course this doesn't mean excepting toxic people in your life, but it helps your heart hate less.

In reality I am all things, but I like to break it all down and it makes me more conscious of my thoughts and decisions.

I AM adaptive, authentic, messy, capable, compassionate, weak, creative, daring, fearful, imaginative, introverted, childish, open minded, ignorant, perceptive, punctual, conceded, polite, selfish, awkward, witty, controversial, eccentric, empathetic, philosophical, romantic, spiritual, arrogant, inconsiderate, unmotivated, artistic, and forever imperfect.

I really am all things and so are you. I want do to get in Word, or grab a piece of paper or even do a vice memo and do the same and then just look at it. Look at all you are and even more.

Remember you are the driving force of this universe, of your universe. You are everything.