Dear 20 Year Old Me

I hear it again and again from so many women and have felt the exact same - "I thought I hated myself when I was (insert age here). I was prettier, skinnier, happier, and healthier. I was never perfect enough for myself".

And now here we are, or at least I am, a decade later 30 lbs over weight with massive stretch marks, crows feet, bitten down nails, a chiropractor apt once a week so I can walk straight, and too much money spent on "youthful glow" junk.

Every stage of my life I have looked back and been jealous of the woman I was before and then a year later I look at that prior year and think, "What the fug is wrong with me?". Are we supposed to continue to degrade ourselves until there's no turning back and we lay there on our death bed only remembering all the hate we had for our minds and our bodies?

I am not perfect. I am not skinny. I have massive teenage level break outs. I super glue fake nails to my fingers once or twice a year because I don't want friends and family to get grossed out by my nail beds because my anxiety demands I destroy them.

I will continue to not be perfect, but I will continue to be the best me. I will never be skinny, but I may continue to chase after my health. I'm still gonna glue those girls on because I like to honestly. I've grown with my dreads, they've grown me from trying too hard to look like everyone else to being happy in the skin, and hair, I have.

Kaia a few years ago... She was skinnier. She had a nice tan. Her hair was thicker. Her nails were on point. She shaved her legs every day. She had time to paint. She had a social life. The Kaia a few years ago is in comparison no where near as happy as the Kaia is today. I don't believe she was really happy at all.

Girl. If you don't already, and I mean honestly, love yourself. Please get on that boat. We all have our "us" time. Even if it's a half hour here and there. Do what makes you happy and you love yourself. That face cream won't do it, but learning a new skill and showing it off could. Be loud and proud of how you look and what you know. Take some pride in it because you what have now you won't have later.

There's always little's watching and I don't want to repeat the fake "perfection game" the generations before destroyed our ability to self love with.

I take staged selfies because they make me happy during the little free time I have when I'm not working on my start up, watching the babies, writing in my blogs, organizing finances, trying to keep this old house from coming down, having to plan the entire weeks' homeschooling, meals and activities, or just trying to find five other minutes for me and my partner. I don't have much time to sit and paint anymore so it's like my other form of art.

If you need it, take that time for you. Stop making excuses because the ONLY person stopping your happiness is you. And oh, do I know the absolute shit situations where you think you can't control it and you'll never be happy - You can crawl out of the holes you never thought you'd find yourself in. It will not be today, but if you make the hard decisions now, it WILL come. Let's face it, you probably like me made the shit decisions to get there anyways, so you have to do the work and make uncomfortable adjustments to get yourself out.

Stop hating yourself now and imagine how much you could grow with that love by next year.

Take those selfies. Train for that whatever. Take that quiet breathing time. Cut those toxic ties - I don't care how close they are or how they're related. Make those hard decisions. Stop comparing yourself to Helga Sue, Olga Mae, and Gertruid - they're fighting with their self love too I promise.

As the amazing Lady GaGa said "We were born this way", and we don't all have Kardashian money to be a totally different person tomorrow, not that I think I'd want to. You were born you sister and there is no way to really get out of that. So why fight it so hard? Because the 18 year old is skinnier, prettier, and tighter than you? Ahaha. We had our time there and they will be in our shoes someday.

I do not love myself fully and everyday it is a challenge to sit at the end of the day knowing I didn't accomplish everything and I looked homeless while doing so. I did my best tho. I now notice it, and so do my kids in a way. They're so happy and full of life. Even when i'm cranky in my old robe with yesterdays makeup and a zit cake is growing on my chin, they throw themselves on me with glowing faces. I wanna do that to myself.

I wanna keep doing my best to love me and I'd love it if you did you. I hate reading these posts from women degrading themselves, because what negative things they write I don't see in them!