How to Love Yourself

I began 2020 in a clouded fairy tale romance that swept me off my feet on a daily basis. Looking at it now, I was the girl in love with the un-employed gamer boy who relied on his parents money for rent and food, classy. I, of course, was able to reap some of those benefits of eating out whenever I wanted to and not really worrying about paying the rent. As much as I enjoyed living without worries of money or constant love affirmations, I now realize, post break-up, I had set myself up for failure in the self-care department. I relied on this boy for everything and he didn't really give me anything of long-term value. I tightly held on to everything he gave to me and it still wasn't really enough...

We broke up and I lost myself. Every part of who I was, was with him. All of my interests were intertwined with what we would do together and I had no sense of independence. I am sure everyone in the world knows what I am talking about, a co-dependency of sorts that morphs two souls into one. I actually thought that was love.

I am making 2021 about loving myself (I am sure most of the world is doing this as well, but good for us!). I am rediscovering things I actually like to do. I love to write, I may not be great at it but here we are. I have been roller-blading, learning how to surf, rereading my favorite books, and catching up on all of the face masks that I pushed to the side for the gallon of ice cream and a movie nights. I have been doing things that only I like to do, and I am feeling mostly happy...

I am still afraid of being alone sometimes. I get lost in my own head and generate a tangled ball of anxiety about what I "should" be doing, questioning what my true interests are. Without sharing my time with another person, I forgot how to be alone. I find myself passing the time by scrolling through Instagram comparing my reality to all of the other pictures on that "super-realistic" app that makes everyone's lives look perfect. I am also sure that this story has been written a thousand times over; a gooey, self love, post break up prelude about loving yourself again. Rediscovering the individual human I am in the sack of carbon and water in the space I take up on this planet, but I feel it now and that is what I want to write about.

My fresh start is googling "how to love yourself", printing out the steps on WikiHow and plastering them all over my walls. As stupid as that sounds, they were able to teach me how to whistle and make orange chicken, so I trust them enough with my mental health. Here is what this website has been telling me to do:

1. List your positive attributes and reflect on them daily.

2. Give yourself the gift of time.

3. Celebrate and reward yourself.

4. Develop a plan to deal with setbacks and negativity.

5. Visit a therapist.

6. Repeat positive affirmations daily.

7. Do things that make you feel good.

8. Reflect on the effects of practicing self-love.

Yeah yeah.... I can do these things. Will they work? I am not so sure, but I will give it my best try and if I fail, then I will move on to something else. If there is one thing I know about myself is that I am not a person to sit and wait for something to happen to me. I have to just keep swimming.... that was dumb to write but that's what it is. I do think the therapist thing is helping me though, my therapist makes me feel less like a marshmallow too close to a campfire about to catch on fire. She is a saint.... she is probably just really good at her job.

One thing I know I need to work on is to not feel the empty hole in my heart that only a significant other can fill. I want to be that for myself, I really just do not know how to and that is what I am going to be practicing daily. My 2021 goal is to be my own lover. Dang that was cheesy... but true love is kind of cheesy so I guess it all works out.