My Two Boyfriends

I once had two boyfriends and the most embarrassing moment in my life was when they accidentally met. Now, reflecting on who I was during this time in my life, I see that all of my actions leading up to this dreadful event were some of the most embarrassing parts of myself.

I was a junior in college and very insecure with how I presented myself to the world. All of my affirmations came from the boys I dated, the more, the merrier! I never spent a day by myself, there was always a boy telling me how funny or cool I was because I did not know how to tell myself these things. I had flings until I found one I tolerated enough to call my boyfriend for an extended period of time. When I got bored of him after a little while the cycle of dating would repeat and I would find myself a brand new boyfriend.

I had gone through the cycle a few times and eventually found myself with a boyfriend, let's call him James, (his name is not actually James). James was a very nice guy, he gave me all the affirmations I needed in my life. I liked spending time with him, he made me laugh and distracted me from how much I hated myself. All of his best friends were my best friends so I never had to spend time alone. Being alone was the most dreadful part of my day, which I cannot believe because now I anticipate my alone time.

I never told my parents about James because he wasn't exactly what people would call a 'family guy'. He had no job, no aspirations of getting a job, never really showered, wasn't very polite, and wore the same t-shirt and sneakers every day. I know, a real keeper. I knew that he was not a keeper, so I kept my eyes peeled behind his back to try and find a more suitable mate.

Eventually my mother (thinking I was single) gave my phone number to a firefighter around my age who she worked with, we can call him Matt. Matt was everything that James was not... but still not enough. While James had a lot of qualities that I did not like, he was also so smart and kept me mentally stimulated... as well as stimulated in other ways, ha... Matt, being a firefighter, loved to hunt, fish, and fight fires... that was about it. He was clean and nice to look at and yeah... I have nothing more to say about him. The way I saw it, Matt + James = the perfect boyfriend. However, neither of them by themselves had enough redeeming qualities or compatible values with me to see myself with for more that just a short-term relationship.

So Matt and I met, and started to go on dates. He offered things that James did not, and vice versa. I should also mention that James went to school with me and Matt lived about an hour away, in my home town. I figured those were two different boys, two different cities, two different worlds and they would never cross paths. So, I dated both of them at the same time, "exclusively". Matt was available to give me affirmations when James was not, and vise-versa.

One day Matt came up to my college town to go out to dinner. I was hesitant because he was entering James' world but I figure I could take him across town and have a short dinner and we could get out of the risky area of James seeing. Well, we were in the middle of eating dinner and out of the corner of my eye I see a mob of people I recognize. All of mine and James' mutual friends. The last one to enter was that greasy t-shirt I knew so dearly that belonged to James. I slunk down into my seat, hoping they would find their way to the back room and I could fake a stomach ache and go home, crisis averted.

Nope. I was spotted immediately. James walks over (in slow motion) to my table and says, "Hey babe, who is this?"

Matt replies for me, "Babe? I am her boyfriend. Who are you?"

James, "No...."

They are both confused, obviously. I say nothing, I can't. I have both of my boyfriends staring at me, not aware that I had multiples of them. I could not do anything but just stand up and leave the restaurant. I ignored all of their calls and texts for the next few days, until they realized that a liar and a cheater was not even worth an explanation. Fair.

I have not spoken to either of them since and I hope they are both doing well. I realized how my actions had hurt them both more than I can even begin to explain or understand. I am not embarrassed that I got caught doing this.. I am grateful I was caught. It stopped me in my tracks and woke me up to what energy I was putting off into the world. To give me an opportunity to see how my actions affected others. I am embarrassed that I let my lack of self-worth lead to hurting two great people that in no way deserved to be hurt. I lied to and manipulated the guys that tried to give me the world and I was not able to see that.

I can say now that I have grown and I have changed. Four years later and this is still my most embarrassing part of my life. Yeah, I will occasionally let out a I thought this was silent fart in the middle of a painfully silent room. I will wave back at people who are waving at the person right behind me. I am so clumsy, I spill everything all over myself almost every day... and then have to walk around with coffee and ketchup stains on my shirt and pants explaining that I do, in fact, wash my clothes, this is just a new stain from today... no, not the one you saw last time I wore this shirt. None of these things even phase me.

I am most embarrassed of the fact that I was so oblivious to how my actions would ripple into the world around me. I was arrogant and selfish, not realizing at all that the faces I would pass every day weren't just faces. They were also people dealing with the same sadness, joy, anxieties, and frustrations that I feel every day. I am embarrassed I acted this way. I am also grateful for the lesson that it taught me. I would not be the same person I am today if it had not happened.