How healing is like Spring cleaning

Yesterday I found myself describing my method of cleaning to my neighbor. As I was demonstrating, it dawned on me that the healing process I am going through currently is much like the process I implement when I am cleaning.

When I say "cleaning" I don't mean the routine going about your home and picking up stray socks or scrubbing toilets. I mean something more along the lines of letting your house go for months without tidying up, after a herd of small children and rambunctious teenagers rolled through. Think more along the lines of Spring cleaning: decluttering, organizing, rearranging and down sizing.

See, when I "clean," I do so in an easily distractible way. I actually have ADHD so I call it "ADHD cleaning." It goes something like this: I walk to the area of my home that I've decided is the first place I want to tackle. I begin sifting through the pile of things, and start walking around putting away the stray objects. But I get to another area that is much worse off, and so I begin pulling things out, moving them around, etc. It is in this spot that I discover something else that needs to go over to the kitchen. There I realize that I have a sink FULL of dirty dishes and so I begin to soak the pots and pans, and scrub the plates.

While the pots and pans are soaking, I figure I ought to probably start a load of laundry and let it run, so then I find something else to do while I'm waiting to switch laundry. Maybe I'll sort paperwork? While I'm doing that, I have piles of papers spread around me in a 3 foot radius. This continues on until my house looks as though a small explosion of STUFF happened, and it is infinitely worse than when I began. I wonder if I am even doing anything or just making life more difficult for myself.

Still, I persist. Eventually, that sink full of dishes starts dwindling and so do the piles of laundry that are stacked precariously in little mountains all over the place. I have weeded out half the papers that I have arbitrarily stashed, and the ones that need keeping have been filed away safely in places that make sense. Trash gets thrown away. There is a donation box by the door that is brimming with things I haven't used in years.

After a week or so of utter chaos, my home is finally clean. I know that if I stay on top of it and put things away after I'm finished with them, that it will stay clean. The environment that I do most of my creating, relaxing and living in feels so much more free and safe.

My healing process from my trauma, heartbreak and through my recovery from addiction has been almost laughably similar. I started working through one thing that was really bothering me about myself, and while doing the work to fix it, I started uncovering some hidden traumas that I wasn't even aware that I had. These traumas unearthed some personality defects that I had formed in response to the trauma to keep myself safe. But those traits were no longer serving their purpose and had become detrimental to the life I am now living.

The cycle continued until the next thing I knew, I was sitting on the floor crying over something I though I had long ago moved past. My emotional "mess" felt like it had puked up all over the place. Yet, as I sat there crying, something strange happened. Even though I felt worse than I had in ages I also felt better. It was the strangest sensation. It was as though everything was starting to click and fall into place while I was simultaneously falling apart.

I'm starting to see and feel the growth that is happening. The healing process has been long and arduous, and for well over a year, it felt as though it was just hopeless. But I continued to persist, to push through the pain, to hold onto the hope that things wouldn't always be so bleak, that I wouldn't always be so...broken.

As we start to unpack emotional baggage and trauma, we learn to discard the things that once got us through but are now toxic traits to the life we are trying to build. Learning to honor these things and thank them for their purpose, then letting them go helps us move forward. Likewise, as we learn to accept our feelings and emotions as they come, allowing them to serve their purpose, and then releasing them, we set ourselves up for success. If we handle things as they come, instead of trying to suppress them, it saves us the work of having to unpack them later.

This isn't Always possible of course. We also don't have to do it alone. There are many people that exist in this world that are professionally trained to assist with the "Spring cleaning" of our minds, hearts and spirits. I don't just mean psychologists either. There are Peer Wellness Specialists, Peer Recovery Specialists, Mental Health Peers, etc. These are people invaluable resources because they have been there themselves. It is so much easier to work on yourself and unpack your baggage when you have company that understands what you're going through because they too have been there.

Healing is not linear. Some days are easier than others. Hold on to the hop that it does get better. Brighter days are ahead. If you can't see it now, hold on a little longer and trust the process. There is a method to the madness. And if no one has told you today: I love you. You are beautiful, you are worthy, and you matter.