Finding God Through Community

For most of my life, I’ve known all too well what it’s like to be alone. I am neurodivergent, which means the way I interact with others is a little different. I don’t like eye contact because it feels physically painful. I can sometimes miss social cues, and socializing doesn’t come naturally to me like it seems to for others. Because of these differences, I became the target of bullying during my school years. I’ve been left out, teased, called every name imaginable, and even physically targeted.

Suddenly, it didn’t feel safe to be myself. Because being myself meant opening myself up to more judgment. All I craved was a sense of belonging, and I began searching for it in all the wrong places. I found myself in groups and situations that I had no business being in. I stayed “friends” with people who didn’t truly like me simply because if I let them go, I would have no one.

There were many times when this feeling of being alone grew into something deeper. I started to believe that no one cared about me. I thought I was unlovable. By the age of 16, I had already tried to take my own life multiple times. I truly thought that if I died, no one would even care. I thought people would genuinely be better off without me. And as life continued on, I grew more and more afraid of people. People continued to hurt me, and I felt like I was wandering around aimlessly through life.

In June of 2024, I decided to go back to church after exiting a particularly rough period of my life. I walked through the doors and wanted to immediately turn back around. I grew up at this church, so I knew all of these people. But I suddenly found myself not trusting any of them anymore. People came up to me to welcome me back, gave me hugs, etc. And all I could think was “You have to do this because we are at church.”

My heart had been hardened over the years of hurt I experienced to the point where I was rejecting people who I now know had nothing but good intentions. Sitting and listening to the sermon that day, something changed. The topic was eerily spot-on with my life. And I remember there was a voice telling me that this was exactly where I needed to be. I believe that was God speaking to me.

I started showing up to church every Sunday. Each week, I felt a little more comfortable. And I found myself wanting to be there more. So I started showing up on Wednesdays. A year later, and I’m involved in so much more. Going back to church was a wake-up call to me. It brought all my past pain and traumas to the front. Realizing how skeptical I’d become of good people who only wanted to love me was a huge reality check.

Getting involved in this community, I got to know some amazing women. These were ladies I grew up with, but had never gotten to know on the level I do now. Despite everything, they welcomed me with open arms. They took the time to sit with me when I was alone, invite me into their home, talk with me, and get to know me where I was at. Realizing that there are good people out there who would accept me for me gave me confidence in other areas of my life outside of church.

Slowly, I started to trust more, and I found my voice, which had been silenced for so long. I realized that I can do this. I went from entering the church hopeless, not even sure if I wanted to live another day. And now, even though I still struggle sometimes with these same thoughts, I have a support system and community to help me through it.

I prayed almost every day for 12 years to find good people, for peace, and for community. And as we know, God’s timing is never our timing. So what felt like for many years an unanswered prayer ended up being a prayer answered in divine timing.

In John chapter 9, it talks of “spiritual Blindness.” The main interpretation is that if you know of God/ Jesus, but you still choose to ignore the truth, you are “spiritually blind.” Just like the Pharisees saw Jesus and His miracles, they still chose not to believe. However, as it relates to this post, sometimes we can be “blind” to what God is trying to show us.

When I walked into church and started immediately rejecting people and coming up with every reason why their intentions couldn’t be good, my eyes were closed to what God was trying to show me. I was so attached to my fears and untrue beliefs that I was, without meaning to, rejecting the truth of Jesus. Once I let some of those fears go, my eyes were “open” and I was able to see the truth. I saw that God brought these people into my life, and I was able to accept it, which in turn led me deeper into my faith.

I believe that as humans, we all strive for basic connection and community. Life wasn’t meant for us to go through alone. Finding a positive, good community has been crucial to my journey. But sometimes, we do have seasons where we feel disconnected, alone, and like we have no one. But the best thing I have learned is this.

Whether we are actually alone or in a room full of people who aren’t paying attention to us, God is with us. We are never truly alone because wherever we go, He goes also.

“ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

This has been my favorite Bible verse for many years, and it's a good reminder to stay strong and remember God is always with you.