Building Stronger Relationships

Throughout my life, I have always struggled to build relationships with others. I am autistic, so I don't pick up on social cues, or my tone of voice might not match the words I'm saying. Going through life with people not liking me very much, I became so desperate for friendships or love.

I hate to admit it, but I didn't have any standards. And over time, this meant I was settling for the bare minimum. I changed myself to fit in because I was afraid of being alone. Because I was settling and changing myself, of course, none of these friendships lasted. The foundation on which they were built was unstable to begin with.

Eventually, I realized something needed to change. I felt drained by the people I was with. Going out felt more like a chore. And at the end of the day, I had all these people I called "friends", yet I didn't trust anyone and still had no one I could really talk to.

One day, I sat down, and I made a list. I wrote out the names of everyone in my life, how they made me feel, how they treated me, and why I was friends with them. Looking at the list, I was honestly shocked at the results.

Results

How they made me feel: Most of them made me feel sad or drained.

How they treated me: Most ignored me, only called when they needed something, or made jokes at my expense.

Why I was friends with them: My why for 95% of the list was "I'm afraid if I cut them off, I will have no one, and will never find anyone else."

Moving on

This was a big wake-up call for me. And after I made this list, I made the tough decision to remove myself from these situations. I didn't announce it, and I didn't do it all at once. Slowly, I stopped being the first one to call or text and started saying no to things I didn't want to do anymore.

It was hard at first, but it was made easier when I saw the outcome. I realized I was the one keeping these friendships alive. When I stopped reaching out, 4 out of 8 still reached out. Out of those four, 2 of them only reached out when they needed something. And when I said no, it ended with them being mad at me and not reaching out anymore.

Getting rid of these relationships was hard. I grieved the fun times and the memories. And then I was forced to sit face-to-face with my biggest fear: Being alone.

At first, it was scary, and I remember thinking

"I shouldn't have done this."

"What if I'm alone forever now?"

"I made a mistake."

After a couple of months, things took a turn. And God showed me he had a plan all along, I just had to see it through.

I reconnected with an old friend, and I got involved in our church community and made connections there. The difference in these friendships is night and day.

I feel okay now to let my mask go sometimes. I don't feel pressured anymore into saying yes to things I don't want to do. And I leave these interactions feeling uplifted and happy instead of drained.

While I will always remember each person who has entered my life and cherish the good times, I now understand that sometimes, you have to let go of things that no longer serve you to make room for better things.

I used to think having standards or boundaries meant you were being "picky" or too "harsh." But now, I know that's not the case. My standards are not based on materialistic things or appearances. They are based on character.

Green VS Red Flags

I put together a list of green VS red flags in friendships. There are also video summaries after each list for more detailed explanations.

Red Flags

• Only calling when they need something
• Making fun of you with "jokes" or backhanded compliments
• Feeling drained, sick, or tired after interactions.
• You have to wonder if you can trust them, or feel like you must hide certain parts of yourself.
• They ignore your boundaries
• They willingly do things for others, but never do it for you. (see video for a modern-day example)
• They never support you. They are always there for the bad, but stay silent when you win.

Green flags

• Feeling happy, uplifted, or inspired after interactions.
• Mutual 50/50 support and respect. When either party makes a mistake, we can acknowledge, apologize, and learn from it.
• You feel comfortable and safe. You can be yourself.
• They support you when you're down, and also when you win. Through the good, bad, and ugly, they are there.
• They understand your boundaries, and you don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do.
• Both parties can (and should) ask for help if they need it, but they understand if you have to say no, or not right now.

Overall

Learning to have discernment, boundaries, and standards in your relationships with others is so important. I know a lot of us have gone through experiences in our lives that make us feel we should shrink ourselves or accept anything that comes our way.

But that's not true.

We deserve respect, kindness, and love just as anyone else does. We were all created in God's image, and He wants us to love others, but also ourselves, just as He loves us.