Filling Up The Hole In My Soul

Have you ever had everything and felt like you had nothing? Have you ever felt down in your gut a void that seemed like a bottomless pit? Have you ever had a hunger or a thirst that you couldn’t satisfy? You could never get enough. You have a hole in your soul.

My earliest memory is of me being the center of everyone’s attention which led me to wonder whether or not my self-centeredness was a learned behavior. On one side of my family tree, I was the only child born to an only child. On the other side, of course, I was the latest addition. And from all reports, everyone doted on me. Even when my siblings came along, I continued to fight for the attention. I’d since come to realize that my being the center of attention resulted in me always seeking attention which resulted in a hole in my soul that I spent a lifetime trying to fill.

A number of events during my formative years taught me that I couldn’t depend on anyone else. Yet my attention seeking always had me looking for something outside of me to satisfy me. My parents tried to teach me to be self-reliant, yet I would bow time and again to peer pressure. I wanted so badly to be liked, to be popular, that I sacrificed the values that my parents instilled in me for the acceptance and approval of others.

I fell into the habit of making comparisons. I would look at others, then compare myself to them. And I could always find ways that they were “better” than me. I also realized that I never had an original desire. Because I always sought fulfilment from outside of me, everything I have ever wanted, I wanted because someone else had it.

Although I excelled in academics, none of my accomplishments could fill that void. So I created a fantasy, a reality that wasn't real. As a child, I believed in fairy tales. I was fascinated with Disney. I believed in magic. I believed in happily ever after. That fantasy carried over into my adult life.

I sought relief in drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, money, property and prestige. I ran for years seeking the next thrill, the next high. But nothing could fill the void. Impulsively, I made choices that appeared to lead me in the direction I thought I should go, but ultimately I would find myself trying to figure out how I ended up where I ended up. When asked why I made some of the choices I made, I’d reply that it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I managed to fumble my way through a four year stint in the United States Army, attendance at four colleges/universities to finally obtain a Bachelor’s degree, two marriages and five children, and still nothing was enough. I could never find the fairytale ending. What I didn’t realize was that as long as I was living, there was no ending. The journey always continued.

I was taught, and I believed, that there was something bigger...something beyond what I could see, hear, touch, smell or taste. I could find it in the still, small voice that came from within. Occasionally, I would listen because I knew what this higher power could do. Most days I would choose to find my own solutions.

Eventually, I had no choice but to surrender. And in the surrender, I realized that the pain and chaos and confusion in my life was primarily self-inflicted and the result of struggling to fill a spiritual void with material things. Nothing was ever enough. When I stopped struggling, I found peace. And the hole in my soul started to close.