Journey to Self

“Love many. Trust few. Always paddle your own canoe." These were words that my dad wrote in my memory book as I transitioned from junior to senior high school. The year was 1968. Fifty years later, I was just beginning to truly understand how those words had entered into my spirit and shaped my personality. I learned to love many. I also learned to trust no one. And my independence, or rather my attempts at paddling my own canoe, alienated me from the one thing I'd always craved - unconditional acceptance and appreciation.

Early disappointments reinforced the idea that no one was to be trusted. My parents stressed non-conformity. Be a leader rather than a follower. I can remember one of my parents, probably my dad, saying that they would support me in whatever choices I made as long as it was my choice.

But the deep-seated need for acceptance and appreciation convinced me to set my own ideas aside and adopt the ideas of whatever group I sought acceptance from. And that could change from one day to the next.

Besides "do unto others as you would have them do unto you", the golden rule my mama taught me was "to thine own self be true." However, lacking an understanding of self, I tried very hard to be true to everyone else around me. And that left me with a hole in my soul that I have spent years trying to fill.

I realize that those attempts at trying to fill up that hole in my soul have been feeble ones at best. And rather than finding the fulfillment I seek, I have just been widening the breach. I've kept myself so busy that the weekends are only opportunities to do more. On those days that I attempt to just be, I find it difficult. I need physical, mental and spiritual down time. A time set apart. But most days I tend to give more than I receive.

Discontented. Dissatisfied. I’ve felt this. Frustrated, for sure. On a lot of levels. Accepting that it is what it is doesn't quite do the trick. I realized I was suffering. And it showed.

Recent events have had me re-evaluating my life and my role as a mother. Long ago, I realized that my sense of self-worth was tied into my children. Their failures were mine. Their successes were mine. The problem was that the failures disproportionately outweighed the successes, which were few and far between.

No one could have prepared me for my current reality. It certainly did not fit the fantasy of well-rounded, self-sufficient adults who invoked warm thoughts of pride and accomplishment. Why in the world would I expect such a thing?

If the old adages are true: the fruit don't fall far from the tree and you reap what you sow, then I have certainly paid several times over for the sins of my childhood.

Considering that my multiple pregnancies could have ended with several different outcomes, the reality is I chose to give birth to these particular people. And regardless of the motivation, it was a conscious decision that I made.

I work hard not to compare my reality with the reality of friends and loved ones. But it's difficult when those I know, especially those close to me, brag about the accomplishments of their offspring. And I have not often had the opportunity to do the same.

On my journey to self-discovery, I realized that I am my own greatest critic. And sometimes, my own worst enemy. Because my failures, of which there have been many, loom so much larger than my successes, it doesn't really matter how much I accomplish. All it takes is one "mistake", one "failure", to send me spiraling back into the pit of self-loathing. And for whatever reason, I just can't seem to avoid it.

My life had taken an unexpected turn. Although if I was to be honest, it was just the most recent event of many. I often wondered what had I ever done to deserve this. There was no answer to that.

I have spent many years teaching others how to value themselves. But when it came to practicing what I preach, I constantly struggled. However, I was so good at covering up that no one noticed my struggle.

So what had brought me to this state of.....despair seemed to be too harsh of a word. I had long ago realized that I do pretty well in fielding situations when they came at me one at a time. But when there were multiple situations at once, I tend to get overwhelmed. And overwhelmed I was.

Professionally, I'd done well enough. Educationally, I could have done more. But I realized that material wealth never held much fascination for me. My main focus had been making sure I could provide for my family comfortably. But I found myself at a crossroads, confused as to which direction to go.

I took stock of my life. Children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. And at any given moment, someone need something from me. Incarceration. Homelessness. Drug addiction. Co-dependency. Abusive relationships. Medical issues. There was always something going on. And some of these issues had been going on for years. They were not my issues at present. They had been at one time. They were the issues of my children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

I seem to spend a great portion of my life taking care of others. All I ever really wanted was someone to take care of me.

Whoa! That thought sent me scrambling. I'd learned very early that I could not depend on others. I became independent and self-sufficient but I always yearned for a mate. I’ve had two husbands but neither of them were truly mine. It was difficult to admit this need for an "other" to myself so I certainly was reluctant to admit this to anyone else.

A constant refrain that has run through my mind lately: "What about me? When will it be my turn?" Yes. I was in my feelings. And my feelings were all over the place.

And then COVID-19 happened. Someone called it a reset. Someone else called it an awakening. All I know is that I’ve been given an opportunity to sit still. And in the stillness I have come to notice the little things that I had been overlooking. The down-time has given me an opportunity to re-evaluate my priorities, my goals, my values and my beliefs. You see, everything has changed. Nothing will ever be the same. But I am still on this journey.

And it's READY, SET, GO!