Chaos.

Start writing..And one day you just wake up and you feel better. Not 100%, but you feel more yourself than you have all year.. more than you have the past few years. And that's the funny thing about getting comfortable in all the chaos.. you dont even know that it's wrong or how bad you're feeling until it's gotten way out of control but then you're too scared to leave it behind because you dont know who you are or who you will be without it. And usually chaos will still be chaos when you try to leave, and chaos will try to pull you back in and chaos will try to hurt you and itll probably get to its worst point and you will feel like you've hit your absolute lowest..especially when nobody believes that there is so much chaos in your life or when they choose to believe that you are in fact, the chaos. Itll be so lonely but keep going. One day you'll wake up and tell chaos to fuck off and you'll keep telling it to leave you alone and each time you do you'll be a little bit stronger. The storms it brings each time..the storms you've had to shelter your children from, will seem less and less because you've already gotten through the hurricane and the storm attempts really just seem pathetic. You'll look outside and shrug your shoulders at another rainy day and go about your business and show your children that there is still so much sunshine and warmth in their lives.. and you do this until the rain gets tired and stops, and you realize you really dont need the validation of others "believing you". Then that day comes.. you realized it's been a year and yes.. you wake up happy. And your friends and family who have held you and have tried for years to keep gluing back all your broken pieces, the ones you've pushed away because " it's not that bad, I can change the chaos, I can make it peace". The ones who have cried with you and wiped your tears because you felt so defeated. The ones who have talked you off the ledge, the ones who were there for the worst moments of your life.. they look at you and say "you look happy". Those are words you havent heard in a long time.. and you say "I feel happy" and for once you mean it. It's okay not to be 100% but knowing chaos doesnt have a place in your life or heart anymore.. looking at your children and seeing them smile and sharing moments of laughter with them without feeling the need to fake it to stop them from seeing pain is probably the best feeling you can have. The feeling of peace within yourself, the feeling of being free, the feeling of love in ways that weren't in the plan. I say alot "this isn't the life I planned for myself, I'm scared of doing it alone. I'm scared I wont be enough for them" and fail to realize that life has put me through what I needed to go through and life put me exactly where i needed to be. I'm finding who I am, and I'm NOT perfect.. I too have made storms where storms didnt need to be.. I have said things that should have been kept to myself because chaos shouldnt have been able to bring me out of character, that's on me and I own up to not being a perfect person but I try my best everyday to be who I need and want to be. I am enough because I love them and they know I love them, I'm enough because despite not being perfect they don't know the difference.. to them I am. To them I'm mom and mom is always there, "even when we dont understand why things are changing and it seems scary, mom is there to hold us."